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LAMA70's avatar
LAMA70
Member
7 years ago

What do I do?

My baby sister turns 42 next week. She is facing the end of her life with breast cancer now in her bones, liver, lungs and brain. Every moment I have left is a moment I treasure. I want to scream, I often cry and when I am with her I always try to smile. She is the bravest woman I know. I would be so grateful for any ideas about how I can be just as brave and graceful for her. 
coping
inspiration
palliative-care
  • kmakm's avatar
    kmakm
    Member
    7 years ago
    Hi @LAMA70. How are you and your sister doing?

    My younger sister died from breast cancer at 47 two and a half years ago. It was an excruciating time. I wish I could offer some comforting words but there just aren't any. It's moment by moment, being present and attentive, accepting of the rage, the tears, the laughter, whatever each minute presents.

    My sister left two young children in my care, and seemed to draw comfort from reassurances that they would be loved and cared for.

    Thinking of you, K xox
  • Brenda5's avatar
    Brenda5
    Member
    7 years ago
    Ask what she would like to do on a 'good day'. My neighbour badly wanted one last walk on the beach so with the help of a couple of friends she got her wish. Seems a small thing to us but to her it was priceless.
  • Karenhappyquilt's avatar
    Karenhappyquilt
    Member
    7 years ago
    Very sorry for your great loss.

    When my dear sister in law was dying from metastatic cancer, we tried to take our lead from her.  In her case she was very happy to see close family and a few friends.  She always seemed so happy to see us and we visited often.  Often not for too long because she tired easily.  

    We often bought food with us for her husband so she wasn’t exposed to cooking smells which made her ill.

      One day she wanted to give her jewelry to my daughter and she talked about every piece. It was very moving.  

    When I said how sorry I was that she was dying she said “ we all die”.  

    She had such grace and calm and I get very moved now thinking about this. 
  • Beryl_C_'s avatar
    Beryl_C_
    Member
    7 years ago
    Is she missing her friends? I read of a very sick patient who asked a few friends to afternoon tea in her bedroom. She was too ill to participate other than a listener who could smile and squeeze a hand. The guests were asked to talk about their lives, their hobbies, to bring their knitting, sewing etc. - she was at the event on her own terms and experienced pleasure and a sense of connection.

  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    7 years ago
    @LAMA70 If you do want to try Otis, do tell them about your sister's prognosis.  It makes a difference to how they will try to fit in a booking as they try to prioritise in this situation.
  • primek's avatar
    primek
    Member
    7 years ago
    She might welcome a family and friends gathering to celebrate her 42 years. Of course being so unwell it will be challenging but a life celebration is special . My sister had one for her 60th and died within weeks. She wanted the chance to see everyone whilst she was still able. It would need to be with her consent of course. Everyone is diffetent. Kath X
  • LAMA70's avatar
    LAMA70
    Member
    7 years ago
    Thank you @arpie and sister, its very comforting to read your words. I looked up the Otis Foundation, they seem amazing.
  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    7 years ago
    @LAMA70  Just what @arpie has said.  I was in a similar situation losing my big sister to this bitch of a disease.  You don't say what her health is like at the moment and whether she is still doing things for herself or is in palliative care.  Be with her, laugh with her, let her cry, and cry with her.  Something that I felt when my sister died was it was just me who carried the memories of who she was pre-adult and responsibilities, so talk about those if she wants to - with photos and all.  If she's got kids, maybe she would like to record those things...maybe you would if she's okay with that.  I know that you have said that she is so strong but let her know that it's safe to rage with you if she wants to.  Of course, ask her what she wants out of this time.  If she's still well enough, maybe a couple of days at the beach or something (Otis Foundation may be able to help).  Or a drive if she's not.  Just love her. There's no magic words or things that will help.  You being there will be everything to both of you.  I am so very sorry that you and your sister are in this place.
  • arpie's avatar
    arpie
    Member
    7 years ago
    I am SO sorry.   My heart goes out to both you and your sister and your families ..... 

    Having you with her as often as you can, supporting her and her family is the most you can do.  

    Let her know that you're willing to listen — and never underestimate the value of your presence. Even if it feels as if you're not doing anything, your presence sends an important message. 

    Does she have young children?  Perhaps encourage her to talk about her life - create memories for the children. Talking about memories can also help affirm that the person's life mattered and that they will be remembered.  

    Being able to do that with a smile is so tough.  I don't know what else to suggest - other than what you are doing.  I am guessing she is confined to home at this point?  

    Does she have a favourite treat that you can share with her?  (I'd be sucking on Rum & Coke, myself!) 

    I am thinking of you and your sister and sending big hugs to you both.

    Everything else we are going thru just pales into insignificance.  :(   

    take care xxxx