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Allie_P's avatar
Allie_P
Member
6 years ago

Screaming inside

I need to vent. I want to scream, slam doors, hit something
Two days ago my daughter visited & told me she has been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. She was strong, composed, not emotional as she talked about it being treatable, not curable, talked about updating her will. I think I am still in shock. We have since spoken on the phone, particularly about how & when she will tell her two children. We are taking her tomorrow to her first chemo appointment & I need to remain calm, as that is what is necessary.
When I told her in 2011 of my diagnosis of early breast cancer, we were calm & positive together, though she did blink away tears. I always felt throughout my journey that things are more difficult for the carer than the patient - now I am experiencing that role & I can't stop the tears. My dear husband is quiet as he always is, but I know he is shattered. Now that he has gone to bed I can let tears flow & write this.
We are angry - why didn't she have regular mammograms after my diagnosis? Why did no-one pick it up earlier? I feel guilty - is it genetic - my mother, myself - even though both diagnosed later in life? Guilty too because I just want to hold her while we both sob – but that won’t help her.
Fortunately she has a best friend, one who supported her through her marriage breakup; there are also other friends, but my help will be needed too & I must be strong when I feel like collapsing in a heap. Any advice, suggestions on how best to support her & the kids would be welcome.


family
new-diagnosis
  • iserbrown's avatar
    iserbrown
    Member
    6 years ago
    Crying in front of her will not help!  I have never cried over my diagnosis and perhaps that is how your daughter will be!  Certainly cry and scream and anything in between in your own space but being composed and practical will go a long way to helping her.  Take her cues!  From what you say she's had a lot of stress already so perhaps her coping mechanisms are in place ready to roll!

    There's no rhyme or reason so as others have said waste of energy going through the what ifs!  

    Even though you have experienced same I thought I would put up a link to the BCNA website that maybe beneficial for you and or your daughter and a gateway to the BCNA website for further information

    https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/

    Take care
  • Blossom1961's avatar
    Blossom1961
    Member
    6 years ago
    I agree with Zoffiel. Get out and scream. It gets rid of the pent up angst. You may need to do it more than once over the coming months but the release is lovely. Sending big hugs to you so you can have a sob knowing we are here for you.
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    6 years ago
    Cancer is a random demon and wondering why it's suddenly in your house won't make any difference. It will only consume more energy. Don't beat yourself up or second guess your daughter's actions.
    Focus on what you can do--keeping that cool head on display when you can and take care of the practical aspects. And scream. Drive out into the country and sit in the car screaming until your throat is raw and you feel vaguely ridiculous. It's tempting to get a bit of a Doppler effect going by screaming while driving but probably best not to. Hang in there. Mxx