I miss her
I have lost my mum very recently (May 13th 2014) She was diagnosed with triple negative metaplastic breast cancer on New Years Eve 2012. She had a mastectomy a month after diagnosis, agressive chemo then radiation which took us up to Nov 2013. She developed a sore back during radiation and it was found that it had spread to her spine. She had a spinal fusion and corpectomy in Jan 2014, more radiation but none of it helped. It then spread to her lungs and finally her brain.
She had me very young, she was 21. We were very close for many years but after a second marriage we drifted apart and didn't speak to each other for a long time. Both my daughters still had a lot to do with her but it was easier for us to keep our relationship like that.
She told me about her diagnosis and of course I was by her side. I took her to every appointment, every scan, everything. I was sure that she was going to beat it. She was such a tough strong person and she could do it. But she couldn't. I'm so grateful that we had that time to reconnect and become as strong as we ever had been.
I spent the week after her funeral keeping really busy organising the funeral that she wanted. I didn't have to think too much. The week after the funeral I was busy organising the legal things. Now this last week I feel completely lost. I'm so emotional and exhausted but can't sleep. Small things make me upset and I can't understand why people can't just understand that I miss my mum and that's all there is to it. There is a lot of division with my step family now and that is creating so much more stress than I can deal with but I promised her I would carry things out for her. I know shes watching me and I know she's pain free but she was 61 and I wanted her to be around a lot longer than she was.
People tell me to think of the things I am grateful for. She adored my 2 daughters, her only grandchildren and they were lucky to have had her in their lives but why should they have to go through the rest of their lives without their grandma. She watched them grow into beautiful confident women (She was also a young grandma) and she was very very proud of them. But I wanted her to see more, love more enjoy more. It's not fair that she isn't here with us anymore. I miss sedning her a text goodnight and good morning. I miss complaining to her about my husband. I miss talking to her about the football. I miss the little things. Like holding her hand, brushing her hair buying her little gifts.I miss so much but the pain she was in was excruciating and it was so hard to see her dealing with it. If only things had turned out differently.
Comments
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Jessieamy,I just want to say that I am so sad for you .Yes,she was your Mum,and you want her back.It is too soon to have to think of things that you are grateful for.I think that people think they are helping when they talk like that,but at the moment,you only need to feel sad.I lost my Mum when I was young also,and it takes a long time to be able to feel as though you can move forward on your own.I know you don't know it yet,but in time,you will start to feel a little better.You have memories that can never be taken away,and in time,you will be able to share them with your children.You WILL be able to talk about your Mum without crying,but these things take time.It is wonderful that you were able to reconnect,and that you were there to care for her when she needed you the most.Im sending you a big cyber hug,and hope that in the days to come,you will start to have some moments in the day when you can feel some peace.Take care xoxoRobyn. Also,thanks for posting on this blog,as this is the sad side of breast cancer that is not often talked about on here.I feel sure that there must be others in a similar position as you.Just remember,it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling .xxxx0
