Supporting a loved one with post-cancer depression

lottie123

Hi there, I'm looking for some guidance as to supporting a loved one who has developed symptoms of depression after surviving breast cancer. She has actually experienced breast cancer twice, as well as losing a close friend to metastatic breast cancer, all before the age of 50.

Since completing chemotherapy the last time, she has really struggled. She's lost all self-confidence, lives in fear of it returning, and feels isolated and angry. When she's feeling really low, she asks "why me?" and feels as though she's being punished for something. I just wish she could be happy, but don't know what to do. I can't say anything that helps because I haven't lived in her shoes.

Anytime we mention support groups, therapy or medication to help with her struggles, she becomes very defensive and feels even more isolated. I just don't know what to do. Perhaps if there was anyone who has shared a similar experience would have some insight? If so, I'd really appreciate it.

Afraser

Dear @lottie123

The incidence of depression with cancer (any cancer) is significant, for excellent reasons - it strikes at the heart of one’s sense of mortality, recovering is no guarantee of not getting it again and treatment is at best unpleasant with the possibility of long term side effects. Your loved one has had cancer return, is scared of dying but can’t trust living and probably feels that no one really understands.  I didn’t get depressed but for a short time got a bit confused about who I was likely to be by the end of treatment. I didn’t have any reservations about seeing a counsellor which worked really well for me and a good counsellor would possibly help her immensely, but there’s obviously resistance. Is there anyone she trusts who could advise (such as a long term GP) not only about treatment but about who to see? Or you may consult a professional yourself as to the best way to handle this dilemma? I felt positive about seeing a counsellor because the oncology nurse who recommended her had a pretty astute understanding of me and it was an excellent ‘match’. The counselling had very little to do with cancer and a lot to do with why my ‘normal’ was as frenetic as it was! Cancer can stir up old, possibly unresolved, issues which can compound confusion or even depression. Best wishes. 

Nadi

Hey Lottie

I understand your concern for your loved one and think it is wonderful that you want to help her through this. This is such a hard road for many, and some of us who have other friends succumb to cancer and/or have cancer for a second or even third time themselves are served with more than their fair share.

@Afraser has provided some great advice.

I am not sure how long it has been since your friend has finished her last chemo. I am hoping that all this is a temporary thing and that she just needs more time before she starts to feel better.

But if this is something that has, or is, lingering then perhaps sharing my personal experience which is a little different may be useful.

My mother, while she doesn't have cancer, struggles, quite severely, with depression that has been brought on by some severe trauma in her life. She too continually asks 'why me?'. The trouble with that question is that there is no answer I could give that would provide her any comfort.

It has taken me a long time to realise that when my mother asks "why me" what she really means is:

"I just need to vent. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine myself going through something like this. It has caught me completely off guard. I feel robbed and cheated out of a different life that I thought I would have. Sometimes I feel angry. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people and I think I am a generally good person.  It's not fair. It is so overwhelming at times. I don't know how this happened. Sometimes I worry it happened because of something I did or didn't do. I feel so shell-shocked that I worry about what might happen next. I don't know if I can face anything more. I am so scared. It consumes me. I can't seem to enjoy anything because I am always on high alert for the next thing and that's exhausting. I worry if there is something I should be doing to prevent this from happening again. And even if there is, I don't know what it is I should be doing or even if I had the energy to do anything more. I feel so drained. I wish above everything else, that this will all go away and I'd be back to my old self."

That's what my mother is really thinking when she's says "why me?" And yes, at first I though we just needed to fix this. I discussed seeing the GP, going to see a counsellor, anti-depressants, keeping a gratitude journal, "you have so many good things in your life", "there are some people even worse off than you", "don't sweat the small stuff", "this is just a part of life - there is no answer to the question of why" etc etc etc

And everything I suggested fell on deaf ears and it didn't make my mum happy. Because, it's only recently that I finally realised she's not looking for me to make her happy or to solve her problems or to fix her, deep down she knows I can't.

What she is looking for, is an opportunity to vent, to be raw, to be honest and open with someone who will not judge her or think less of her if she expresses her true feelings, her weaknesses, her fears. What she's also looking for is for me to show empathy and understanding that she is going through something incredibly difficult. She's also looking for me to acknowledge her pain. And in doing that, she may subconsciously be looking for some praise, because here she is, still standing, after all she's been through, and while everything still seems shitty because it's all so much and so scary still, it's remains remarkable that she's still here at all.

When I finally realised that it is not up to me to fix her my whole approach changed. I went from looking for things she could avail herself of so she could recover, to looking for ways that I could support her.

And so, now my approach - which I have only perfected after quite a lot of time of dealing with this - is to: 1. Acknowledge how difficult it is for her 2. Praise her in some way and 3. Redirect her so her mind is on something else. Acknowledge, praise and redirect. Not offer suggestions to solve the problem - that's not what my mum wants or needs.  Acknowledge. Praise. Redirect. This is now my mantra. 

So when my mother is in despair or is "wallowing", basically it goes something along these lines:

Her: Why me?
Me: This has been so hard for you. I still can't believe everything you've had to go through. I wish this had never happened to you. I know you might not feel it, but I think you are so strong and I have learnt a lot through you. But most of all I am so glad to be sitting here with you, being able to have a cup of tea/coffee/talk. I love you so much and really want to celebrate today and this time we ave together. I want to put everything out of our minds and go to the park/shopping/movies/for a coffee?"

My mum seems to react to this approach. She doesn't react well to me suggesting things that takes effort on her part like go to a counsellor because she doesn't really want to or can't. 

I now know I can't cure my mum's depression. I can't make her happy. But I can support her, and for my mum the above is the best way to do that. And funnily, knowing I am supporting her in this way, makes me feel less anxious about her being down at times. I guess I have come to accept her depression as her new normal, and learnt not to let it freak me out as much as it used to. Hope that makes sense.

Apologies for the length of this reply but I hope this helps as I really feel where you are coming from. Wishing you and your friend all the very best.

Nadine

ddon

Nadine, what you just wrote is wonderful and it has helped me in my own mind and situation. Thank you for putting that all into words. 

JennyD78

Absolutely perfect @Nadi My best support person while I was undergoing treatment was a good work friend who would happily listen to me have a moan and just say "yep, that's shit.  come talk to me whenever you want to talk about how shit things are at the moment.  p.s. did you see how good matt's butt is looking in his jeans today?" Exactly what I needed

cranky_granny

@lottie123 @Nadi has hit the nail ion the head. I will vent and moan on hear and its very cathartic. My emotions are the sea-saw variety when I’m  down beside on here i have a friend that i vent to. I dint let my kids know how bad i can get but having that one whoever it is, that can just let you let it all out with is great
it wont happen all at once. But over time it does if you have the right one to do it with

Julez1958

Yes depression ( and it’s close cousin anxiety)  is a very real potential event following cancer.
I prided myself on my resilience and when I asked my breast care nurse if I could get a referral to a psychologist after my mastectomy when she gave me the referral from my ( otherwise fabulous) breast cancer surgeon she said he had said to her “ I am surprised that patient needs this” which just goes to show sometimes you can put up a good show while going to pieces inside .
I only needed 2 sessions but they really helped me as did having a male friend who had gone through bladder 
10 years before ( that was before I knew him) the fact that he totally “ got it” as a cancer survivor was the thing.
He said to call anytime and in the first few months I certainly did that and unloaded big time.
I hope you can get your loved one to get done professional help .