Screaming inside
Allie_P
Member Posts: 8 ✭
I need to vent. I want to scream, slam doors, hit something
Two days ago my daughter visited & told me she has been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. She was strong, composed, not emotional
as she talked about it being treatable, not curable, talked about updating her
will. I think I am still in shock. We have since spoken on the phone,
particularly about how & when she will tell her two children. We are taking
her tomorrow to her first chemo appointment & I need to remain calm, as that
is what is necessary.
When I told her in 2011 of my diagnosis of early breast
cancer, we were calm & positive together, though she did blink away tears.
I always felt throughout my journey that things are more difficult for the
carer than the patient - now I am experiencing that role & I can't stop the
tears. My dear husband is quiet as he always is, but I know he is shattered. Now
that he has gone to bed I can let tears flow & write this.
We are angry - why didn't she have regular mammograms after my diagnosis? Why
did no-one pick it up earlier? I feel guilty - is it genetic - my mother,
myself - even though both diagnosed later in life? Guilty too because I just want
to hold her while we both sob – but that won’t help her.
Fortunately she has a best friend, one who supported her
through her marriage breakup; there are also other friends, but my help will be needed too & I must be strong when I feel like collapsing in a heap. Any advice, suggestions on how best to support her & the kids would be welcome.
Tagged:
6
Comments
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Cancer is a random demon and wondering why it's suddenly in your house won't make any difference. It will only consume more energy. Don't beat yourself up or second guess your daughter's actions.
Focus on what you can do--keeping that cool head on display when you can and take care of the practical aspects. And scream. Drive out into the country and sit in the car screaming until your throat is raw and you feel vaguely ridiculous. It's tempting to get a bit of a Doppler effect going by screaming while driving but probably best not to. Hang in there. Mxx5 -
I agree with Zoffiel. Get out and scream. It gets rid of the pent up angst. You may need to do it more than once over the coming months but the release is lovely. Sending big hugs to you so you can have a sob knowing we are here for you.
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Crying in front of her will not help! I have never cried over my diagnosis and perhaps that is how your daughter will be! Certainly cry and scream and anything in between in your own space but being composed and practical will go a long way to helping her. Take her cues! From what you say she's had a lot of stress already so perhaps her coping mechanisms are in place ready to roll!
There's no rhyme or reason so as others have said waste of energy going through the what ifs!
Even though you have experienced same I thought I would put up a link to the BCNA website that maybe beneficial for you and or your daughter and a gateway to the BCNA website for further information
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/
Take care
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@Allie_P - I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's diagnosis and of your own family history with BC. It really is a bitch of a disease. With the family history - further down the track, genetic testing to see if she has the BRCA gene may well be suggested, so the kids can be aware of their risk as well. Do not blame yourself at all - it is what it is.
Sometimes family members & friends go into denial when someone close to them is diagnosed with BC & are scared to get checked - so don't have mammograms - are you sure that she wasn't checked? Either way, I wouldn't bring it up again. I wonder if she has dense breast tissue? It is more difficult for mammograms to pickup BC as both the dense breast tissue & cancer show as 'white' on the screen - with many cancers not being detected until the it is larger and more advanced? If she has daughters, it is something they may need to be aware of too.
How old is your daughter? The kids? What town/city do you live in? Some of our Members may be aware of specific services in the area that may be useful to them. There are also groups who may be able to help the kids as well - Canteen is one (I think the kids need to be over 12 to join that one.)
That is terrific that she has good friends to lean on as well as yourself and your husband, shocked & stunned tho you are - the kids will need your love & support to help them thru this as well. We have many members with Mets who are living productive, even happy lives on medication and who are many years down the track. Some advanced cancers are slower growing than others - fingers & toes crossed that hers is. (You may like to join the Mets Group here, to ask more specific questions as your daughter's treatment progresses.) She may like to join as well once the shock wears off. If you think your 'name' is a giveaway to her - you can ask the mods to change it to something less recognisable.
Your anger & level of upset are totally justifiable - do what you have to do to remain calm & supportive in her presence. Tho sometimes a good cry together can be quite cathartic. I was pretty strong until I saw my best friend who lived in the country - we'd been thru school together - and we both just dissolved into sobs in each other's arms. I nursed my husband thru cancer 10 years ago & thought I 'knew all about it' - but when I was diagnosed 2 years ago, it hit me like cricket bat to the head.
All the best for your daughter's first chemo session - and our thoughts are with all of you at this time xxx4 -
@Allie_P, you have already done something really beneficial and that is to vent here, we all understand the unfairness of cancer.
I cannot imagine how hard it is to watch your daughter go through this, that must be horrendous. I find it much harder to watch others battling this disease than going through my own treatment because I know how I feel and how I am coping.
I cannot be positive all the time, so I stopped trying which was a relief.
It may help to visit a psychologist, it has made a huge difference to me. I am also an advocate of Zoffiel's advice (screaming in the car) it is very therapeutic
We will all be here if you need to vent again x5 -
Sorry to hear of your daughters cancer. Yes she should have a will. She should also get a health directive done.
When my dad got a massive bowel infection, doctors wouldn't touch him unless they saw the written directive. We had to go home and get it so they would give him antibiotics for goodness sake. He was palliative though and perhaps your daughter is not anywhere near that stage but it is good to know. Dad would never face his mortality but between a nurse and myself we got him to agree to a directive. He wasn't happy about it and went in to depression but he came good and had some happy times afterward with his other children and grandchildren coming to visit and he didn't have that worry over his head.
Cancer treatment can be a day to day getting through, you do learn to adjust. Atm you are just stunned as your daughter probably is. Look to the brighter blessings as best you can and work through it all.
We are all with you as support. Hang in there, you got this.
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Thanks everyone. No doubt I will be back here for more support.
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Message Sent
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Everyone can understand the devastion you are feeling. Let those tears flow.
Your daughter is in shock and is doing all those practical things she must do to ensure things are in order.
No there isn't a cure but metastatic disease can be managed for years for many. My sister lived to see her children have babies. She got to spend time with them. It's ok to have hope.
As to anger, guilt and all those emotions. Yep...it will happen but soon you need to just let it go and focus on what is in your control. Put your energy in that.
Be there when she needs.
Help her plan what she needs to, however painful that is.
Treatment is tough, you know this and have rare inside knowledge.
Treasure every moment you can, and we all have hope that there will be many more special moments to come for all of you. X7 -
Hi @Allie_P
I agree with everything others have said and love the picture and kind thoughts that @jennyss has posted.
Thinking of you and your daughter, especially during this time of 'festivity and cheer', not to mention public holidays and people taking holidays, which can cause anxiety by delaying appointments etc.
Very best wishes
xx1 -
I know everyone is different and I too stayed strong for my daughter and cried in private...but in hind sight I wish we screamed cried and hugged together 😢2
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Sending you a private message @Hendrix1
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I bottled up my feelings so much when I was going through treatment. Do what is right for you, your daughter will love you whether you have a good cry together or not. She would realize you understand.1
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Thank you again to all who have taken the time to respond - your support is very much appreciated
I have finally worked out how to reply using individual names!
@suburbangirl, you are so right! It is difficult to keep such news from others when everyone comes together to celebrate.
@jennyss - thankyou for those kind thoughts.
@primek - such a positive post, with a factual example of hope - thank you.
@arpie - my new late night confidant
@Brenda5 - so sad about your dad, but I am glad he came to be at peace with having a directive.
@Nefertari - yes, I'd gladly change places with my daughter, as watching her battle will be much harder than going through my own, far less serious, journey.
@iserbrown - like you, I did not shed a tear throughout my journey, but it is much more difficult to watch a loved one endure this. Thus far though, I have managed to keep a brave face in her presence. Thanks for the link.
@Blossom1961 & @Zoffiel - thanks for permission to scream! The vision of screaming while driving is particularly appealing.
Crying in the shower is also good as the water drowns out the sound. 5
