Cancer is a Part of Me

Karen_C

I have been living with cancer now for 13
years.   It would be stupid of me to say
that cancer has not changed me over the years.  
My illness is terminal but treatable and I still have a very good
quality of life.    I now accept cancer
as part of my being.  It has certainly
affected me physically and mentally.   
During my journey there have been events that profoundly affected and
changed me.   Having said this, I do
believe I have never lost myself.  “Cancer”
has challenged who I am but through it there has been a lot of self-discovery
along the way.  Some of it good some of
it bad. 

 My circumstance has not
allowed me to forget “cancer”.   Living
with cancer, you overcome one hurdle, feel good for a while, then it’s
back again.   Because of this, I have
lost my personal sense of safety and health.  

 Whenever I am well
enough I take charge by undertaking gym work under the supervision of an
exercise physiologist, which I enjoy.   Yeah, since I made the decision to be as
strong as I could physically and mentally, I have faced new hurdles.   In April 2016, due to long term use of bone
density drugs, my femur shafts became brittle and fractured.   This resulted in having femoral rods inserted
in each femur.  Following my operations,
I refractured twice so this “hurdle” lasted till May 2017!     Easily
my biggest test living with cancer.   Recently I am overcoming brain surgery.  I had a 5cm cyst attached to which turned out
to be necrotic tissue left from two radio-stereo surgeries to a lesion.  Was successfully removed but I experienced
brief visual interruptions before the surgery and continue to have
episodes.  I have been told they are
seizures therefore unable to drive.  My
independence has gone.

None of this is
character building, it tests your resilience. 
 Thankfully I am turning the
corner and my neurologist has allowed me to drive again!  Hallelujah.

  Because of cancer I now have bucket loads of self-discovery,
teaching me to be more tolerant, slow down, be unselfish and compassionate.  I am still working on “me” time.  I think this is difficult for women.

 

I have greater
compassion for people facing illness and adversity, particularly those who do
not have the same level of determination, positive attitude and fighting spirit
which I seem to inherently have.

There is one aspect of my behavior which I’m not proud
of.  My life goal has always been to be
gracious and seek the high road, but at times my actions prove that I am not
quite there. Truthfully, I work hard to ensure that I don’t look like a cancer
patient or inflict my predicament on those around me. After all, it’s no one’s
fault that I have metastatic breast cancer.

At times I have
made some pretty bad jokes about dying.  
I have often been flippant with my husband about my mortality not
thinking how this affects him.   I have
jokingly talked about my mortality to my friends in a non-sensitive way.   I now make a conscious effort to not do
this.   Its upsets them.  

For many years I saw my career as being a big part of my
identity.   As my disease wasn’t going
away, in the end I was treated differently which affected me
emotionally and financially.   What had
been my normal lifestyle was turned up-side-down.    Myself and my family had to adjust to this
big change as I was the major income earner.    
This has and still does test our resilience.  

Technology is keeping us living well despite our
underlying disease, yet we are finding we cannot work.   I would like to see a flexible workforce for
people who are living well with cancer who can work are encouraged to stay
working in some capacity rather than eat away at their life savings and
ultimately find themselves prematurely on a pension.

Now I focus on my
health and my mindset. I have been an excellent advocate for myself and have
actively participated in the management of my treatment. I am a BCNA Consumer
Representative and have enjoyed the assignments that have come my way.  

 By nature, I
am an optimistic person, I am very thankful for my blessings.   I have two wonderful adult boys and a
supportive husband, sister and extended family.   I also have great mates that are a shining
beacon.   When you are faced with a
terminal illness, its these relationships that are your focal point.   Bricks and mortar and material things have
become irrelevant which have been replaced by experiences shared with family
and friends.

 I know it sounds
clichéd, but I take nothing of granted and enjoy every day.

You
never know what curve balls life is going to throw at you, and it's how you
deal with them that defines who you are. For now, I am living with cancer. It is my hope that
we obliterate it, but I am not wasting time worrying about it.  Anyone that has cancer knows that life goes
on and it’s up to you to go with it.

 

Karen C

Cancer Lifer for 13 years

 

arpie

Awesome post, @Karen_C -  you are indeed a very resilient person & have taken the bull by the horns.  Shame about your fractures & surgeries - that would have been hard.  Good that you are driving again.  Having that independence makes SO much difference.

Oh dear - the 'dark humour' - feel free to put anything up here - :
https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/19807/a-bit-naughty-but-funny-show-us-your-naughty-ones-please-note-some-posts-may-offend#latest

I agree re the work issue - anyone who is handling their treatment well & can perform their jobs to the required standard should be allow to continue working ..... 

I'm with you on the optimism ..... I just keep doing what I love doing for as long as I can ... and will face any curve balls as they come.

take care & all the best xxx

Karen_C

Hi Arpie,
Glad you liked the post.  I reckon we all have our cross/es to bare.  We also can have joy.  It's all on our attitude.  You seem to be like me.  Keep on living.
Take good care of yourself.
Fellow survivor.
Karen C

poodlejules

Hi @Karen_C. I pop in here intermittently and am glad I did today. Thanks for your words and all the best,  Julie

Karen_C

Hi Poodlejules
Glad you had a look.  I must say I am not that active so it's a miracle that you saw my blog and take it, it resonates with you.
Take care
Karen C

Shakalker

Hi @Karen_C,
thanks for your beautiful post. So much of it resonates with me.
Big hugs and best wishes for continued good times for a long time yet with family, friends and loved ones xx

Karen_C

Big hug back.
Take care
Karen C

Caz1

What wise words. I’m at the beginning of my journey Karen, and I often wonder about the future.
Hope I can face it with humour and strength like you do. 

traveltext

Great post @Karen_C. You’ve hit on the things we all need, including resilience, advocacy skills, and a good support system. 
I would add no fear of death. Likely with your mortality jokes you have that!

Kingsmead

So sorry to hear of your ongoing cancer ‘journey’. Completely understand your dark humour .. I find myself telling people about my breast cancer experiences and my new ‘boob’ called Tilly, their faces are a mix of horrified, sympathetic, etc.  but I feel the need to let people know about BC. So many people haven’t a clue what’s involved, how if affects you and your loved ones and then we say ‘oh yes I’m fine now’, but of course we’re not. Big hugs to you. 

Karen_C

We are between a stone and hard place.  Its very hard to express what you are going through and frankly I have stopped with the exception of family and a couple of dear friends that have been through this with me.  Mind you I don't reckon they figured they would still be faring me around for 13 years!   But they do and we make the most of it.  Thoroughly enjoy our late  lunches after treatment.      Take care and big hugs back to you.

Karen_C

Dear Traveltext,

Hereunder is an excerpt of something I wrote to politicians when they were debating Death with Dignity.    You might find it interesting.  I am glad that the legislation  got through even though its terms of reference is narrow, at least its a start. 

"However, my body is deteriorating and I had a taste of horrific pain last year and

immobility. Even then I was not thinking of suicide as “survival” is very powerful in the human psychic.

Nonetheless when the time comes where there is no quality of life, I want the option to have voluntary

euthanasia. This is a deeply personal decision.

This issue isn’t about politics, it’s about people’s lives. Legalizing euthanasia or assisted suicide is an

 issue where suffering patients have the right for a peaceful death with dignity.

Euthanasia/assisted suicide is the ultimate civil right,and that to deprive mentally competent,

terminally ill people who want to end their suffering peacefully is an injustice. The other aspect is I

believe doctors commonly engage in euthanasia/assisted suicide surreptitiously. If this does happen, issue where suffering patients have the right for a peaceful death with dignity.

The other aspect is I believe doctors commonly engage in euthanasia/assisted suicide surreptitiously. If this does happen,

it’s an indictment on our society as it’s a burden that no one should shoulder.

I know this is a very confronting topic for us all, but it’s something that I feel very strongly about. I

would love our decision makers to walk a mile in my shoes. I don’t tell other people that they have to

live through unimaginable pain because of what they believe in. Nothing gives anybody the right to

control the fate of another’s life. Personal beliefs and values have nothing to do with it. If the patient

wants to die and they qualify within the rules, it’s their choice!"

You may or may not agree with this but this was my position and still is.

Karen C

arpie

WOW!!  @Karen_C ...  We all really need to re-send your submission (with your permission) to all our Pollies and local members ..... they will all know someome with cancer or other conditionals that may be terminal ... and hopefully have some compassion for those of us, making the ultimate decisions .... 

Right now, animals have more rights than humans, for an easier death ... death with dignity.

take care xxx

kmakm

Good on you @Karen_C. Having watched two immediate family members die young from cancer, it is a great relief to me that these laws now exist in Victoria. It takes away some fear, and comforts me that should it happen to me, my familiy won't have to suffer watching me suffer. It is very humane in the best possible way. K xox

Karen_C

Hi Arpie,

Here is the full story re Dying with Dignity.   If you wish to use it for Queensland go for it.  I did relevant State Ministers, my local MP and also sent it to Federal counterparts.   Also sent to our leading talk shows.  John Fein ABC picked it up and I was interviewed.

traveltext

@Karen_C  Spot on!