Forum Discussion

chemostyle's avatar
chemostyle
Member
14 years ago

In Search of understanding my own feelings towards ?friends?

Friends becomes EX-friends or my own post bc anti-social behaviour??

Funny that as a BC survivor - I am kind of bit lost in this "evaluation & prioritising" life & thinking about "WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE" stage.  Adjusting back to normal life again.   I am finding myself again as you go through during your teens. 

We have changed, our priorities have changed, in feeling fractured we become whole by putting the pieces together.

As I have to decide whether I will attend an old friend's 40th birthday party.  I started to question myself  do I really want to go?, am I going because of my I have a 20+ years history with these friend before cancer.  I thought we were close.  But I sort of catagorise them as "share a laugh but not when I cry".   I learn after cancer, that I DO NOT have to do things out of obligation anymore.   BUT with self doubt, am I being judgemental about people that may be unable to deal with friend with cancer?  But were they really friends, if they don't how to support you or even send a well-wish msg via email or sms. My feelings towards these friendship seems to carry some "judgemental" bagage.  I NOW find it very hard to relate?!!  Or this is "anti-social" behaviour?  Or am I more selfish now that I only have time that I feel good with?  I guess I find it very hard to relate to these group of old friends who stayed away during my 2 years of treatment.   My husband question my reasons to stop going to social functions, but does my reason matters?

 

I guess my ill-feelings towards old friendships are not alone .... In my search of reading other survivors' feelings towards this topic'.   I like to share with you a response that I found quite touching ...

http://cancerconnections.com.au/content/had-cancer-got-no-friends

Adults I believe are mearly children blown up by age. We hear someone has cancer and we become self centered and how it makes us feel - friends are no different. I have had the same issue and its the old adage - laugh and the world laughs with you cry and you cry alone. It is confronting, having cancer is confronting, treatment is confronting but if people dont have to deal with it, they wont.

 

So here we sit, as cancer survivors, sometimes wondering where everyone went. We have changed, our priorities have changed, in feeling fractured we become whole by putting the pieces together. We are the blessed and we are the lucky ones who will turn our lives around, who will perhaps or at least I hope make a difference.

6 Replies

  • chemostyle's avatar
    chemostyle
    Member
    14 years ago

    Liberated .. and feeling grounded. Thanks for your reply - always good to vent and get some clear perspective from others.  At times, I am still have "hang ups" with old habbits esp obligation, guilt and negative thoughts ... learning to trust me & respect my feelings aren't easy  - am now listening to my heart more each day ..

    Like my mentor warned me when during my treatment, "you will oneday shake of all the dead leaves from you friendship tree". 

    hugs your way ...chrs Amy

  • pisces_tas's avatar
    pisces_tas
    Member
    14 years ago

    hi amy, ( chemostyle )

     first look after number one; get your path right, and all else will fall into place. each day is a gift, yes.

    you have embarked on a journey no one wanted to go on, but it does have its blessings too.

    i too have thought about trying to give back more, in my own small way.

    be true to yourself. perhaps the old " friends" you knew were ok then, but you may have moved to a " new " place, and they cannot relate to it.

    it is ok " to let go ", and nurture new friendships. i am happy you have met a new friend, who has introduced you to others. it sounds like you are getting on with life again.

    i have made new friends. some of my old friends are still there, but i have slowed down a lot with treatments, and ageing. some of my new friends are 10 years older it seems.

    i have thought that " we are ALL on our own really, but we have each other."

     you are ok, just as you are.

    all the best... love kathy. OOXX.

  • pisces_tas's avatar
    pisces_tas
    Member
    14 years ago

    hi amy, ( chemostyle )

     first look after number one; get your path right, and all else will fall into place. each day is a gift, yes.

    you have embarked on a journey no one wanted to go on, but it does have its blessings too.

    i too have thought about trying to give back more, in my own small way.

    be true to yourself. perhaps the old " friends" you knew were ok then, but you may have moved to a " new " place, and they cannot relate to it.

    it is ok " to let go ", and nurture new friendships. i am happy you have met a new friend, who has introduced you to others. it sounds like you are getting on with life again.

    i have made new friends. some of my old friends are still there, but i have slowed down a lot with treatments, and ageing. some of my new friends are 10 years older it seems.

    i have thought that " we are ALL on our own really, but we have each other."

     you are ok, just as you are.

    all the best... love kathy. OOXX.

  • pisces_tas's avatar
    pisces_tas
    Member
    14 years ago

    hi amy, ( chemostyle )

     first look after number one; get your path right, and all else will fall into place. each day is a gift, yes.

    you have embarked on a journey no one wanted to go on, but it does have its blessings too.

    i too have thought about trying to give back more, in my own small way.

    be true to yourself. perhaps the old " friends" you knew were ok then, but you may have moved to a " new " place, and they cannot relate to it.

    it is ok " to let go ", and nurture new friendships. i am happy you have met a new friend, who has introduced you to others. it sounds like you are getting on with life again.

    i have made new friends. some of my old friends are still there, but i have slowed down a lot with treatments, and ageing. some of my new friends are 10 years older it seems.

    i have thought that " we are ALL on our own really, but we have each other."

     you are ok, just as you are.

    all the best... love kathy. OOXX.

  • Chris's avatar
    Chris
    Member
    14 years ago
    I'm so sorry you have lost friends. I feel I must be so lucky, as not one of my friends or family have deserted me, in fact everyone seems to go out of their way to see me and ask how I'm going. I feel I've had a double bonus, as I've also met some wonderful ladies who have breast cancer through support groups and exercise classes, who have also become friends. For me, I was upfront right from the beginning and told all my friends about the cancer, and told them all to tell anyone else that they knew who knew me. This worked so well, and I have experienced the best support that I could have wished for, and a very special social life with old and new friends, plus family. It makes me very sad to think some of you ladies are doing this cancer thing alone without your nearest and dearest along for the ride. Perhaps give my method a try. I found that if people knew it was ok for them to know, then they were happy to approach me and ask how I was doing. People never know what to say, and therefore say nothing, or avoid you because it is awkward. If they know you are happy to talk about it, they seem happy to still be around, and really try and nuture you. Love Chris xx
  • Chris's avatar
    Chris
    Member
    14 years ago
    I'm so sorry you have lost friends. I feel I must be so lucky, as not one of my friends or family have deserted me, in fact everyone seems to go out of their way to see me and ask how I'm going. I feel I've had a double bonus, as I've also met some wonderful ladies who have breast cancer through support groups and exercise classes, who have also become friends. For me, I was upfront right from the beginning and told all my friends about the cancer, and told them all to tell anyone else that they knew who knew me. This worked so well, and I have experienced the best support that I could have wished for, and a very special social life with old and new friends, plus family. It makes me very sad to think some of you ladies are doing this cancer thing alone without your nearest and dearest along for the ride. Perhaps give my method a try. I found that if people knew it was ok for them to know, then they were happy to approach me and ask how I was doing. People never know what to say, and therefore say nothing, or avoid you because it is awkward. If they know you are happy to talk about it, they seem happy to still be around, and really try and nuture you. Love Chris xx