Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Well done @Blossom1961 - that 'scanxiety' never really leaves us, I think! :(
My 2 year 'end of active treatment' was last week ..... finishing rads the day before Good Friday. - Oh, that dreaded 'scanxiety'. It returns every year. Glad it is over for you and that you were given an indication that all is OK.
Celebrate well. - April 24, 2018 had the mammo, u/s and biopsy that confirmed BC. Today I had my two year mammo and u/s. I see the Onco in two weeks but have already been given the all clear. Some of the old panic started setting in before the u/s in case I needed another dreaded biopsy, but I doused it. Happy dance 💃🤸🏼♀️🎉🥂
- You too, Kate xx
- Onwards and upwards @arpie. K xox
- 2 years today since I received the actual confirmation of BC diagnosis ..... I'd been pretending it was cysts up til then ...... as I walked into my GPs room, I raised my eyebrows at her & she nodded. I knew then & there it was BC.
I had a good report from my Rad Onc in early December - and I won't be seeing her again until my next MG & US next Oct .... I see my surgeon at the end of Feb, which should just be routine ...... and then check with my Onc again mid year. So far, on Arimidex I am going OK - just the odd hot flush & just now, a very sore right foot - on the ball of the foot, making it tricky to walk without a limp! grrr . Even the oils don't seem to be helping that!
SO .... I am looking forward to a better 2020 - and personally feel incredibly lucky not to have been a part of the fires when they hit our town in early November, scary tho it was, with the closest one just 500m from us. My heart goes out to all of those so badly affected by the fires - I reckon most will know someone or someone's friends who have been badly impacted. We also have members who have been badly impacted.
Take care, look after yourselves and each other xxx - Fabulous @Harvey1903. Love to hear good news xx
- Hi Had first anniversary mammogram today. Went into the same room, looked at the bed and thought I remember that! Only one boob this time, all good :) so now on checks 6 months with onc and yearly mammogram. Hoping I can now put this experience to bed, but I know I will still look over my shoulder. Thanks to everyone for support and advice. Hugs to all :*
- @Blossom1961 Excellent!
- Nope. But hubby taking me out for dinner did!
