Well-meaning help
My well-meaning mum went shopping for me last night after she brought me home, and bought me a 3 litre-milk which triggered an emotional tirade from me. Nothing that can't be fixed of course, I just REALLY need to feel like I can do some simple things for myself while I'm home alone during the day.
My well-meaning mum is a NURSE (ffs!), but she's also a MUM, and she's beside herself because I got cancer and she didn't. Of course. I would be a basket case if it was my daughter. I get it. But GEEZ.
I wish I wasn't so sensitive about this, but I am. This morning I'm going to take her around the whole house and move everything I need to where I can reach it, and replace any of this that is too heavy for me to lift.
And then send her home. I think seeing me is making her worse.
The house needs to be set up so I can look after myself during the day. Then when the kids get home from school and work each evening I'll stand with them while they do all the things I can't do (laundry, sweeping, dishwasher, etc).
My surgeon has indicated the team will probably send me for chemo and radiation next, though they meet next week and I will get the final decision then. So home life must change anyway. It's time to start some new rituals.
Comments
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Hi Keiley, it must be frustrating for you, and sometimes family don't know what to do to help, so they do too much. Sometimes it's just nice to spend time with each other and talk. Would it help if you make a list for your Mum with the jobs that you do need help with, and then let her know that the kids can help you with the rest ? Sending you a softy cuddle, Trace ??????
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Hi! I started to smile when you said about 3 litre milk as I'm thinking whoa that is too heavy to use but of course it can be decanted and the other part of this is the old saying, crying over spilt milk!
You'll have to give her a little list of things to do so that she feels she is helping even if it is doing the laundry! It doesn't matter if it is a mundane task it all helps!
I hope you are recuperating well from the mastectomy. I did! I had lots of visitors that always brought cakes; never seen so many cake forks in the washing up and some thoughtful friends who brought around meals.
Hubby took up the mantle and did all the mundane chores, including the meal preparation and dishes. I soon took on the laundry again as I can walk from the laundry to the maiden (clothes horse) with one item at a time.................I saw it as good exercise and hang the clothes. Plus I felt it gave me independence.
Good luck with it and take care
Christine xx
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Oh Keiley I SURE GET IT...
I have a mum who is an absolute control freak and in her desire to help and make sure I am look after become a regular bully...
I know she means well BUT...
She is that overzealous that I have made a decision not to tell her about my diagnosis and we hid my surgery. Not the easiest task but managed this far. Luckily she goes on an o'seas holiday in 10 days (I start Chemo Monday) so now we have 1 more week to 'cover up' my BC then I can breathe out for 2 months.
I know sometimes I wonder if I have done the right thing in hiding it until Chemo is over but then I think about the pressure I would deal with if she did know.amd it reinforces that all this hiding and working hard and covering up the surgery and the diagnosis is for the better.
There are just days when I need to be 'normal' and not be seen as a 'patient' so I sure get you.
I do hope you mum tones things down when you need her too and if you ever need to vent and get the stress off your shoulders we are here and we really do get it
Hugs
Jel.
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Hi Keily,
Seems to be part of a mum's DNA. Mine is the same. I know how frustrating it is!
Good news is my mum lives a day's drive from me ... and she doesn't drive.
Bad news is my sister is bringing her down to visit for a few days at the end of the month, when I'll be starting radiation ... and she is insisting on coming into the rad unit with me! OMG!!! You, me and everyone else knows she won't be able to do that, but I can just picture her on the day!
My sister and I have already decided to give her a couple of small household jobs to do while she is here. I know she just wants to help and to be be made to feel useful, but she is elderly and it will be more a point of us looking after her!
Still, she's my mum and I'd be complaining if she wasn't around right now, so I'll find simple things for her to do, the things I hate! Maybe a basket of ironing while watching television or something similar.
Good luck with you and yours! I know it is an old cliche, but you will be laughing about the 3 litre milk down the track.
Take care
Hugs
San-Dee
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Hi Ladies - I hear you're moans about your Mum's being over-protective but please remember you are lucky to still have your Mum! I don't nor my Mother-in-law and at times of this BC journey I wish they had been here to comfort me through the journey. Remember they love you and it is their instinct to protect you that is paramount in their actions.
Take care all of you
Christine xx
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During treatment you will probably get too tired to care. You will be frustrated, angry, feel useless and in general just feel like killing someone sometimes. Try not to load it on your mum or your family. Come in here and kick and scream and rant. We get it. XXXXX
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Hi Keiley
freaking out over the 3 litres of milk is just the catalyst. Both you and your mum are feeling out of control and there's nothing you can do to change things. This won't be the first or last outburst. Talk to your mum and tell her what you are wanting to achieve and why. Getting her to help you make things user friendly for you is a great start. This will help mums feelings of uselessness and will help you feel a little more in control of what's happening to you. Remember, you will all get through this. Take care. Karen xox
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Hi I understand the feeling of your mum trying to hard, but you know what she is worried about you try and think about how you might react if it was your child. I have no mother or mother in law and when I went through my trip my father wasn't there for me at all. This trip we all go through effects us all so differently, take care of yourself and one day at a time xxx
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Hi,
yes, I hear you loud and clear, you want some control over your life but at the same time you mum needs to do something for you too - any little thing . She can't fix you so she's fussing because that's what mums do . Be kind and let her fuss a bit and tell her you loved her help but you need to do things yourself now and she's only a phone call away if needed. Wish you well . My mum was like that for me but unfortunately the second time I got breast cancer she had died and I missed her ??
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Thank you Tracey, it sounds like you understand what I needed to hear. And I definitely need softy cuddles!
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Thank you Christine! We laughed awkwardly about the milk fiasco and sorted it easily. I was surprised at my reaction to this little thing - it was quickly obvious to everyone here that I'm pretty scared about being home alone and not being able to look after myself. I'm recovering well, and feeling well, but feeling really vulnerable and weak and a bit useless of course.
So we just found a smaller jug and each morning before everyone leaves the house I get them to make me my own milk container.
Really, the rate my son drinks milk there's soon only a litre to pick up anyway! I've always teased him about growing a tail and cloven hooves like the calf he is.
I'm going back for my check up and results and plan for next treatment in a few days, and mum is coming along for that one. If I were her I would want to know what is happening to my daughter next and be there when she finds out.
However, It will make it tougher for me because she suffers anxiety and depression and is the carer for my dad so of course our 'mother daughter' relationship is complex. I'll need to be mindful of her instead of 'letting it all out' with the BC nurses this time. That's ok. I can call them later when I'm alone.
On the upside, my son is now proudly doing the laundry! He learned fast, and now tells us all how to do it his way. Love it.
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Jen, your response has really made me think. I can really understand your decision here, but I know that no one else can truly understand how difficult a decision like this is!
I've carefully orchestrated which appointments, which parts of this journey is 'safe' for my mum, for me, for my kids (as her grandchildren). My mum is the way she is and she can't help it, but I have these mechanisms in place so that I can keep a relationship with her. So far it's working to keep these visits positive experiences. I did use this blog as an outlet for my frustration, disappointment, and my fear around how vulnerable I feel right now. I think you can understand the layers of that vulnerability.
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Thanks San-Dee, I see your relationship with your mum is not straightforward and I know what that is like! Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not the only one here.
I'm doing all I can to protect the relationship I have with her so it's not sabotaged while I am in this vulnerable state, it's a dangerous time! I find out on Thursday how much chemo is ahead for me, and asked her to come along, so we can work out what will be best for everyone.
We're not all dealt the same cards in life, are we?
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Hi Keiley,
I hear you.... while I was going through treatment my mum drove me insane, so I worked out what worked for me.... then set about making sure that I was the priority in the situation. I like many others have that uneasy relationship with my mum.... VENT all you need in here. For those saying to Keiley be grateful etc.... She is grateful she needs to vent what is happening for her to have a sense of control in this uncontrollable journey we take. BE gentle on her and others in your response. Keiley I want to say I had to tell mum to go home please as she was walking me at 5am when she woke asking are you getting up yet!!!!.... when in reality I had gotten to sleep at 4am due to insomnia from the Chemo. I collapsed and was hospitalised had been in Hospital until they sent me home at 3am. she woke me at 6am saying was I ready for a shower.... NO I bloody wasnt... but I said no thanks smiled and realised I needed to set some boundaries to help us survive this journey.
Please feel free to vent we need to take care Soldier Crab
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Thank you SC, your reply helped me so much! I had a good cry, realising how grateful I am for this forum because it has really brought my relationship with my mum to the fore. This is after 20+ years of re-setting boundaries, therapy, etc.
Cancer is not just physical. You've helped me see what I'm dealing with and how others are dealing with it too.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.
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