My well-meaning mum went shopping for me last night after she brought me home, and bought me a 3 litre-milk which triggered an emotional tirade from me. Nothing that can't be fixed of course, I just REALLY need to feel like I can do some simple things for myself while I'm home alone during the day. My well-meaning mum is a NURSE (ffs!), but she's also a MUM, and she's beside herself because I got cancer and she didn't. Of course. I would be a basket case if it was my daughter. I get it. But GEEZ. I wish I wasn't so sensitive about this, but I am. This morning I'm going to take her around the whole house and move everything I need to where I can reach it, and replace any of this that is too heavy for me to lift. And then send her home. I think seeing me is making her worse. The house needs to be set up so I can look after myself during the day. Then when the kids get home from school and work each evening I'll stand with them while they do all the things I can't do (laundry, sweeping, dishwasher, etc). My surgeon has indicated the team will probably send me for chemo and radiation next, though they meet next week and I will get the final decision then. So home life must change anyway. It's time to start some new rituals.

Hi Keiley, it must be frustrating for you, and sometimes family don't know what to do to help, so they do too much. Sometimes it's just nice to spend time with each other and talk. Would it help if you make a list for your Mum with the jobs that you do need help with, and then let her know that the kids can help you with the rest ? Sending you a softy cuddle, Trace ??????

Hi! I started to smile when you said about 3 litre milk as I'm thinking whoa that is too heavy to use but of course it can be decanted and the other part of this is the old saying, crying over spilt milk! You'll have to give her a little list of things to do so that she feels she is helping even if it is doing the laundry! It doesn't matter if it is a mundane task it all helps! I hope you are recuperating well from the mastectomy. I did! I had lots of visitors that always brought cakes; never seen so many cake forks in the washing up and some thoughtful friends who brought around meals. Hubby took up the mantle and did all the mundane chores, including the meal preparation and dishes. I soon took on the laundry again as I can walk from the laundry to the maiden (clothes horse) with one item at a time.................I saw it as good exercise and hang the clothes. Plus I felt it gave me independence. Good luck with it and take care Christine xx

Oh Keiley I SURE GET IT... I have a mum who is an absolute control freak and in her desire to help and make sure I am look after become a regular bully... I know she means well BUT... She is that overzealous that I have made a decision not to tell her about my diagnosis and we hid my surgery. Not the easiest task but managed this far. Luckily she goes on an o'seas holiday in 10 days (I start Chemo Monday) so now we have 1 more week to 'cover up' my BC then I can breathe out for 2 months. I know sometimes I wonder if I have done the right thing in hiding it until Chemo is over but then I think about the pressure I would deal with if she did know.amd it reinforces that all this hiding and working hard and covering up the surgery and the diagnosis is for the better. There are just days when I need to be 'normal' and not be seen as a 'patient' so I sure get you. I do hope you mum tones things down when you need her too and if you ever need to vent and get the stress off your shoulders we are here and we really do get it Hugs Jel.

Hi Keily, Seems to be part of a mum's DNA. Mine is the same. I know how frustrating it is! Good news is my mum lives a day's drive from me ... and she doesn't drive. Bad news is my sister is bringing her down to visit for a few days at the end of the month, when I'll be starting radiation ... and she is insisting on coming into the rad unit with me! OMG!!! You, me and everyone else knows she won't be able to do that, but I can just picture her on the day! My sister and I have already decided to give her a couple of small household jobs to do while she is here. I know she just wants to help and to be be made to feel useful, but she is elderly and it will be more a point of us looking after her! Still, she's my mum and I'd be complaining if she wasn't around right now, so I'll find simple things for her to do, the things I hate! Maybe a basket of ironing while watching television or something similar. Good luck with you and yours! I know it is an old cliche, but you will be laughing about the 3 litre milk down the track. Take care Hugs San-Dee

Hi Ladies - I hear you're moans about your Mum's being over-protective but please remember you are lucky to still have your Mum! I don't nor my Mother-in-law and at times of this BC journey I wish they had been here to comfort me through the journey. Remember they love you and it is their instinct to protect you that is paramount in their actions. Take care all of you Christine xx

Well-meaning help | BCNA Online Network

16 Replies

Brenda5
Member
10 years ago
During treatment you will probably get too tired to care. You will be frustrated, angry, feel useless and in general just feel like killing someone sometimes. Try not to load it on your mum or your family. Come in here and kick and scream and rant. We get it. XXXXX
iserbrown
Member
10 years ago
Hi Ladies - I hear you're moans about your Mum's being over-protective but please remember you are lucky to still have your Mum! I don't nor my Mother-in-law and at times of this BC journey I wish they had been here to comfort me through the journey. Remember they love you and it is their instinct to protect you that is paramount in their actions.

Take care all of you

Christine xx
San-Dee
Member
10 years ago
Hi Keily,

Seems to be part of a mum's DNA. Mine is the same. I know how frustrating it is!

Good news is my mum lives a day's drive from me ... and she doesn't drive.

Bad news is my sister is bringing her down to visit for a few days at the end of the month, when I'll be starting radiation ... and she is insisting on coming into the rad unit with me! OMG!!! You, me and everyone else knows she won't be able to do that, but I can just picture her on the day!

My sister and I have already decided to give her a couple of small household jobs to do while she is here. I know she just wants to help and to be be made to feel useful, but she is elderly and it will be more a point of us looking after her!

Still, she's my mum and I'd be complaining if she wasn't around right now, so I'll find simple things for her to do, the things I hate! Maybe a basket of ironing while watching television or something similar.

Good luck with you and yours! I know it is an old cliche, but you will be laughing about the 3 litre milk down the track.

Take care

Hugs

San-Dee
jd48
Member
10 years ago
Oh Keiley I SURE GET IT...

I have a mum who is an absolute control freak and in her desire to help and make sure I am look after become a regular bully...

I know she means well BUT...

She is that overzealous that I have made a decision not to tell her about my diagnosis and we hid my surgery. Not the easiest task but managed this far. Luckily she goes on an o'seas holiday in 10 days (I start Chemo Monday) so now we have 1 more week to 'cover up' my BC then I can breathe out for 2 months.

I know sometimes I wonder if I have done the right thing in hiding it until Chemo is over but then I think about the pressure I would deal with if she did know.amd it reinforces that all this hiding and working hard and covering up the surgery and the diagnosis is for the better.

There are just days when I need to be 'normal' and not be seen as a 'patient' so I sure get you.

I do hope you mum tones things down when you need her too and if you ever need to vent and get the stress off your shoulders we are here and we really do get it

Hugs

Jel.
iserbrown
Member
10 years ago
Hi! I started to smile when you said about 3 litre milk as I'm thinking whoa that is too heavy to use but of course it can be decanted and the other part of this is the old saying, crying over spilt milk!

You'll have to give her a little list of things to do so that she feels she is helping even if it is doing the laundry! It doesn't matter if it is a mundane task it all helps!

I hope you are recuperating well from the mastectomy. I did! I had lots of visitors that always brought cakes; never seen so many cake forks in the washing up and some thoughtful friends who brought around meals.

Hubby took up the mantle and did all the mundane chores, including the meal preparation and dishes. I soon took on the laundry again as I can walk from the laundry to the maiden (clothes horse) with one item at a time.................I saw it as good exercise and hang the clothes. Plus I felt it gave me independence.

Good luck with it and take care

Christine xx
Anonymous
10 years ago
Hi Keiley, it must be frustrating for you, and sometimes family don't know what to do to help, so they do too much. Sometimes it's just nice to spend time with each other and talk. Would it help if you make a list for your Mum with the jobs that you do need help with, and then let her know that the kids can help you with the rest ? Sending you a softy cuddle, Trace ??????

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