Dont follow me Im lost too
Im about a year out of active treatment and I seem to be in a slump. I experienced euphoria and gratefulness for being alive following treatment and some days since Ive felt genuinely happy but more r...
Forum Discussion
It’s not always a work thing Michele. A lot of the time it’s things outside work. We realise we have been living like robots, as you said with lots of constraints. Lots of obligations. These things have been getting to me too. I feel like they always did, but it’s especially obvious now as I too have a lot less tolerance for things I consider time wasting. And my heart also craves doing things I find joyful, which aren’t always in line with what society and its demands expect of me. But I haven’t exactly always agreed with society. Now even less. There are things I feel are just really nonsensical, and so I refuse to live by them. They agitate me a lot. And this is what I meant when I said I’m not scared to do what I want anymore. I don’t care if others judge me, or feel it’s wrong, or this or that. As long as it doesn’t harm anyone, I will do what I feel is the right way for me. If it means some friends and family won’t be happy about it and will avoid me, so be it. That’s on them. I’m no longer responsible for other people’s happiness, and making myself miserable to satisfy them. I’d much rather be alone and happy, than with lots of people and very unhappy. I find that we’re mostly depressed or unhappy when we don’t listen to ourselves. We all know what we really want, we’re just too afraid to go after it. We’re scared of being shamed and judged. But if the only opinion you care about is yours, and you have a clear conscience when you look in the mirror, then nothing else should matter.
Also, please remember, people’s intentions are not always genuine. A lot of people are miserable, and get upset when others have the courage to live like they want and be happy, so they’ll try and drag you down with them. They’ll shame you into giving up what you want, so you’re miserable together, because if you’re brave to get what you want it just makes them feel even more shit that they’re not living according to their happiness. It’s hard to accept this but unfortunately it’s true.
You’re not wrong to feel really disappointed that friends didn’t react to your expectations when you had a life threatening illness. You’re not wrong to have expectations either. The truth is, people are just scared little kids inside. They have no idea how to deal with these situations. They should try and learn if they don’t, and ask you for what kind of help you’d like, but they were never taught that. No one showed them how to truly help another person, and they didn’t figure it out on their own either. I don’t think you should necessarily lower your expectations, but find the ones who will reciprocate your level of care, and stick with them. It could be someone you haven’t even met yet, that’s why I said sometimes you need to let go of the old. I’ve met better friends since this whole shitfest started. It kickstarted me into finally releasing ties with people who didn’t fit my world anymore. Not fighting with anyone, just energetic ties. And don’t expect to go back to what once was. Why would you want to? Cancer happened for a reason. You now know what you know, so you can act on it and change what wasn’t working. What could be, I think, is a lot lot better than what once was. Life is chaotic, but there’s always a way to get joy out of it. Just don’t rely on others for it. You’ve seen, people can be so disappointing. And it’s not their fault, they’re just dealing with life with what knowledge they have. Take people on the ride who are ready for it. Choose as you need to. It’s your ride, you make up the rules. Whoever isn’t happy with that can bugger off.
Don’t rush to move forward. You will, but think about what is making you feel constrained, and that’s what you need to work on. Whatever makes you feel unhappy tells you a lot about changes that need making. The answers are all there, you just need to be brave enough to see them.