Pre-surgery Emotional Ups & Downs

Hi Melhay

give yourself a break!!!! You are going through huge turmoil  yourself  and you're entitled to have low tolerance. Us wife's, mothers, daughters and sisters are so good at guilt aren't we? 

My boys were  18 and 20 when I was diagnosed. All I can suggest is having open and honest conversations with your family, preferably before things blow up. Tell them you bullshit meter is at an all time low. Tell them you are struggling to cope. Tell the kids to grow up and that there are more important things than stupid arguments. Tell them it's ok for them to be confused and scared and struggling with the changes in you and your family situation. Tell them you are feeling the same way. It's really hard on everyone but the fact is you are human too. This is the one time where they might just have to fend for themselves a bit or rely on other members of the family to get their support as you have to concentrate on you and getting through this the best way you can.  It sounds selfish as we are normally the one who holds the family glue together but it's not selfish at all. It's going to be a steep learning curve of you all. Hopefully it might take some of your daughters focus off of herself and her issues and may even be a step to her regaining some resilience. The word cancer has such a negative connotation but there will be some positives to come out of the experience. I wish you all the very best. Karen xox

Hi Melhay,

You're striking me as totally normal and its not surprising that your tolerance is low - try not to focus on the unhelpful feelings of guilt around this, try to make space for some kindness to yourself and do what you need to do to cope, even if its just for the next hour. You'll get there. The amazing thing is that even with all of this going on with your health, the reality of the here and now (i.e your daughter's struggles) is still there - I guess its a reminder that life is for living now. Don't be too hard on yourself for not juggling everything so well right now though. You'll be multitasking again before you know it. You no doubt will be modelling for your daughter the importance of self care, doing what you need to do to cope, and taking care of yourself when times are tough.

I remember when I was on day 3 after diagnosis, I took the kids to school and then walked back in the door with my baby (who was crawling at the time), put her down and just totally lost it. I was an absolute mess, crying and just feeling so guilty and scared and helpless. While all this was happening I wasn't really aware that she had crawled into my son's room and after a while I noticed a banging sound. I walked into the bedroom blubbering and she was banging on my son's lunchbox that he'd left at home. I had to pull myself together and go back up to school with blotchy eyes with the lunchbox. It was a stark reminder to stay grounded despite how horrible you feel and to know the world still turns and your kids still need you - that said, its totally ok to lose it, you just allow space to do both and do what you have to do to get through, hour at a time. I'm on the other side of it now and you will hopefully be too soon.

best wishes x

Hi Melhay, you have heaps to think about and sound a bit overwhelmed. Is there some way that your husband and other family members can take on some of your responsibilities. From my experience, those around you want to help, but don't know what to help with. By giving people some tasks to do not only relieves some responsibility from your shoulders, but helps those around you to feel that they are supporting you. Take care, Tracey B ??

Hi Melhay,

My heart goes out to you.  It's hard enough raising kids without the worries of your own health as well (I have two).  I often thought of my teenage daughter as a toddler in a woman's body, especially in the early teen years. Hormones flying around the place, trying to make head and tail of the world.   It's sounds like you've been the glue that holds everything together when it comes to helping your daughter.  The only thing I can suggest is perhaps seeking support from family and friends to communicate how you feel and the support you'll need to recover.  Kids often rise to the challenge and feel important with responsibility of something, no matter how small. Is it possible to speak to her drs or counselor? It's a hard one.  Keep the lines of communication open.

Don't be too hard on yourself for being cranky and snapping.  I find in my treatment, I've had to be a little self absorbed, rest when I need to rest, etc.  (I'm trying to cope with chemo after mastectomy 5 weeks ago).

Thanks for coming on the network to share.  Writing it down and putting it out there can help.  Sorry if I'm not much help.

All the best with your up coming surgery.  Be kind to yourself in these early days.  It is such a roller coaster ride.

Karen xx

Hi Melhay, 

This is a long journey you've embarked on and it certainly puts our life into perspective. 

You will need all the support and nurturing from your family that you can muster up. Sounds like you've been the nurturer for so long, with very little reward. 

Maybe it's time to call a family meeting and set things out on the table - you expect the complete maturity and support of your family now and for the coming 12 months. This is your time. Accept nothing less than full support.

This process has a way of making sure we put the necessary focus on ourselves.

I don't have children, so I cannot pretend to understand how hard this is for you.

I have just had a right mastectomy and axillary dissection on Friday, after 3.5 months of chemo. Next is recovering from this surgery and getting my head around 5 weeks of radiation. I was diagnosed 8th January and will finish radiation in September. 

Cath