Trying to cope day to day
the past few weeks have been a true roller coaster for me. I have found in the past few days, my emotions have hit a low with crying, a sense of anger at the unknown of what lays ahead and last night was particularly bad - I told my husband that I was truly afraid that I might not survive and what if this period of time was all I had to enjoy?
I have surgery next week and as much as the medical team have given positivity - there is an element of fear which comes from the fact "a bloody lump is growing in me!" I know they will cut it out but who is to say it wont come back or turn up somewhere else that is not visible?
My emotions are on hyper drive and I do feel incredibly lonely even with my family doing everything in their power to support me. There is almost a "need" to be positive for them and myself but some days I am so damn tired from doing so. Illogical I know and it is ok to say "Im not doing so well today".
for the first time since I was told "It is Breast Cancer" - where my response was to go into "fight mode" and literally almost pretend it was merely a bump in my life. I woke up from a sound sleep - yelling "I have Cancer!" over and over. Then broke into a hysterical bout of crying, sobbing and quietly screaming as it hit me - I have bloody awful frightening Cancer. It is not a bump in my life - this bloody thing growing in me has the capacity to change everything.
Some days, I think to myself - I will beat this into submission and the power of positivity thrives but in the quiet of night - a multitude of images and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I end up weeping.
The pain radiating from the damn lump that has grown dramatically due to its aggressive behaviour is like an endless ache and as much as I know it is "part and parcel" of the cancer - is a constant reminder that this nasty little visitor in my body has taken some of my control.
I am sorry this is a long chain of thoughts. I just needed to let it out somewhere.
Lois.
I have surgery next week and as much as the medical team have given positivity - there is an element of fear which comes from the fact "a bloody lump is growing in me!" I know they will cut it out but who is to say it wont come back or turn up somewhere else that is not visible?
My emotions are on hyper drive and I do feel incredibly lonely even with my family doing everything in their power to support me. There is almost a "need" to be positive for them and myself but some days I am so damn tired from doing so. Illogical I know and it is ok to say "Im not doing so well today".
for the first time since I was told "It is Breast Cancer" - where my response was to go into "fight mode" and literally almost pretend it was merely a bump in my life. I woke up from a sound sleep - yelling "I have Cancer!" over and over. Then broke into a hysterical bout of crying, sobbing and quietly screaming as it hit me - I have bloody awful frightening Cancer. It is not a bump in my life - this bloody thing growing in me has the capacity to change everything.
Some days, I think to myself - I will beat this into submission and the power of positivity thrives but in the quiet of night - a multitude of images and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I end up weeping.
The pain radiating from the damn lump that has grown dramatically due to its aggressive behaviour is like an endless ache and as much as I know it is "part and parcel" of the cancer - is a constant reminder that this nasty little visitor in my body has taken some of my control.
I am sorry this is a long chain of thoughts. I just needed to let it out somewhere.
Lois.
