This might seem silly.

Lol I had an iced finger bun to mark the occasion! Yeeha!  I felt like I should do something but was actually so anxious and teary on the day and on the table that just getting home was my goal. I was a real wuss and just totally emotional.  The rad nurse talked to me after and that helped.  Again it was big questions ... what now?  I'm supposed to be happy I've got through the hard part...just got herceptin etc till Sept. Meanwhile I'm teary and depressed.  Time for some counselling.  @Sister ... everything you said resonates with me.  I feel exactly the same and although I wish you didn't...I'm glad I'm not alone with crazy thoughts. A woman I met who'd had a double mastectomy was telling me that she often has trouble relating to the 'positive' aspects of breast cancer that she reads about and feels guilty she doesn't want to sky dive or bungee jump lol!  I said it's probably a case of not wanting to pick up a magazine or flyer about all the awful things people have gone through, hence the positives are highlighted. But I think there is room in the room to talk about what some people are actually feeling, not all, but some of us struggle with smiling and joking our way through things whilst still feeling a disconnect.  I was wondering if in my case it's a history of depression and anxiety which cancer hasn't exactly helped.  But my friends say I'm always joking around and have a positive attitude. I thank them but in my blog I do say that it's not an accurate representation of how I am 24/7 and that it does get messy at times. @kmakm  What you said reminds me of the title of the movie Girl Interrupted.  Although that was to do with mental health, I do think the title sums some of us up - Women Interrupted.  I do hope something good come out of it all - new skills, new visions, who knows.  Unfortunately I don't believe that everything happens for a reason (Like Forrest Gump I just believe that Sh&t Happens!) but if you can find a reason, do. Quite seriously, grab hold of whatever gets you through the night.  PS.  A lady in a shop told me she took part in the Great Wall of China walk for cancer after her sister died.  I was saying how inspiring ... she said 'not so much - my friend and I fell off the edge and 80 metres downwards'.  It took 8 hours to rescue them and she hurt her leg badly but trees stopped the fall.  I said I thought it was just a walk weaving up and down but she said you have to climb up to the wall from humid jungle and in some stages on the wall itself you are walking at a 45 degree angle.  She said it was the hardest thing she'd ever done physically but in retrospect the fall was quite funny!  I might just learn to quilt for cancer...;)