sleepless nights
Oh God, not again! Another sleepless night...i'm tired enough to sleep, but there is no sleep at the moment. I go to bed and start to nod off. Just on the edge of sleep my brain wakes me up. I try to ignore it, relax and drift away. ZING...there goes my brain again. Then my body becomes uncomfortable and I feel pressure points, I move to another position but it is no better. I kick of the covers and half sit up. No point in half sitting up, so instead I get up, get dressed and here I am. I might as well write what's been happening maybe it will help. Hot cup of tea and some bickies. Hot tea to soothe and bickies for carbohydrate, which can help with sleep. It is either that or take a swig of the Bailey's that has been in the fridge for two months. I choose tea...this time.
I have an surgery appointment next Monday. The surgeon has decided this lump has to be removed and we go from the diagnosis afterward. The waiting is getting to me. Everything has gone into limbo...
My new doctor was obstinate in his urgency to get me in to a surgeon. The appointment was made for the following day. My honey and I went together, and as we waited in the waiting room, I asked him to would he come in with me. he held my hand and said, "Yes, I'm coming". As we waited we looked at another car magazine...and consumed our conversation with the ridiculousness of the prices of certain cars with a "desirable" badge. Wwe waited for about 15 minutes and I couldn't help but wonder if the lady and gent who had gone in before us would come out teary. I sub-consciously hoped not. I didn't think I would hold it together if they did. They emerged from the Surgeon's office and I didn't hear any sniffles which to me would have been evidence of bad news. I think that gave me some sort of courage. "Jennifer", there's my name, it's my turn. After a brief meet and greet, I had my shirt off and the doctor was examining my breast. It was quick and I could get dressed. He sat on the other side of the enormous desk and began to talk to my love as if I weren't in the room, explaining to him why he thought the best way to proceed was to fully remove the lump...as if I would want it any other way! Not likely! He turned to address me. as he spoke ( I saw his lips move) I heard the word, cancer and something else, blah blah blah...more surgery...blah blah blah. "Of course" came my dignified exclaim. "it's like a bad tooth...just take it out..." I described. I think he ignored that, I'm not sure.
We left and went to medicare and then on to the hospital to book in. Thank God there was coffee just inside the front of the foyer. We sat with a coffee as I proceeded to recall all I could for the form that went on for four pages.
When we left for the 20 minute drive home, again our conversation was one that wanted to be positive. But in reality, we both had a tiny nervous temble in our voices.
That was last Tuesday. Today is Tuesday 30th Nov. In just one week the whole world seemed to split at the seams. 'Normal' has shifted position. My compass has a bent arrow...and there have been troubles afoot.