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Kari_2015's avatar
Kari_2015
Member
10 years ago

Relationships - Stronger or Weaker???

Hi All

Not sure I even want to type this - once its out there I then have to deal with it!! I am now at the end of chemo/rad and going back to work on the 7th. My treatment is obviously not over (pesky little squatter in my vertebrae) and I haven't yet started on the hormone medication. I fear that social media leads us to believe our lives and relationships are not so great as they don't meet the standards of those that like to post only the good times. Throughout this whole cancer journey I have heard of so many stories of wonderful partners/spouses and their fantastic support. My story is opposite to this - I am not blaming just him - and I was wondering if there are others with this experience and how their relationships are once things have returned to "normal". I. I have always been very independent and probably didn't ask for help when I needed it, but I also felt that it was up to him to keep asking what was next, how can he help, etc, etc. Instead he seemed to hide at work (using the reasoning we needed extra money with me not working) while I was left at home to manage the household and his 3 children. There are been good and bad from this experience - the kids and I now have a better understanding of each other (their mother has all but abandoned them), but by not being around and engaging in home life as much, I don't feel like he is a part of this "new" life of mine. He is a very caring person and I suspect he is struggling to deal with it. I have suggested and given him all the info regarding cancer help available, but in the end the decision is his. The gap between us prior to the diagnosis had started to widen so it isn't like we have gone from a loving, happy couple to this, I am not a very affectionate person which I was trying to work on prior to BC. He has his own health issues, nothing serious, but have lead him down the path of being overweight/depression. I am so torn between putting time and effort into working on our relationship to just not being bothered and getting on with this type of lifestyle where we co-habitat and giving myself time to heal and deal with the cancer. Walking away is not an option for me as I have made a commitment to the kids (18,14,14) that I wouldn't leave them at least until schooling is finished and unfortunately I am the stable person in their life. What makes it even easier for me to stick my head in the sand is that I work away and initially will only be home for 3 nights a week.

I would love to hear other's stories - both inspiring and not so......

Kari

family

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  • primek's avatar
    primek
    Member
    10 years ago

    My journey has just begun but my husband has been there. But this has only occurred because I had health issues and major depression before and we both have done counseling. What I learned was to tell my husband what I need. I told him when I cry I just need a cuddle. I told him I can't  do this and that. Men are very different from women and really lack that intuitive aspect that most women have. We are very good at being annoyed they didn't guess what we wanted and becoming angry when they don't do it. Lack of communication does destroy marriages...it nearly destroyed ours. But having that scare and telling him what I wanted and visa versa has made the difference. My husband was distant and basically lead a separate life...that conversation returned us to a couple. Good luck. Kath 

  • rowdy's avatar
    rowdy
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi ladies so sorry to hear your partners have not been there for you. I'm not going to say mine was perfect because we both struggled. We were having issues just before I was diagnosed and I was getting help but he always thought that it was my issue and there was  nothing wrong. I have come to the conclusion that over the 33 years we have been married I have changed and he hasn't. In his defence he did come to every doc visit and chemo and most of my herceptin. Since I have finished treatment he thinks I'm all well now and I can do everything, NO not happening. I now have a diary that I write in for things we are doing together and things that I expect help with. The advice I got from my counselor was accept that he is never going to change and find a way to deal with it. The diary has helped heaps. Thankfully my husband was never critical of my appearance and loved my bald head

    I have come to the conclusion that I do love him but some times I don't like him. I have always believed that we only have one life and we need to be happy and now more than ever. Take care of yourself sending you a hug xx

  • Beppie's avatar
    Beppie
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Kari, 

    Mine is the same. I had breast cancer in 2004 with a lumpectomy and radiation and it returned same breast in 2013 and I had a mastectomy and 6 months of chemotherapy this time. My daughter took every Tuesday off to take me to chemo and my husband worked 3 days a week to look after me - the only thing he did was cook dinner at night - huge horrible meals that I couldn't eat and he'd get the shits. He admitted years earlier that he doesn't do sickness , he's not interested and doesn't really want to know about it, the selfish prick! I looked after myself with some help from my 3 kids. First time they were aged 9, 11,13 and my husband doesnt remember me going to radiation every day for 7 weeks in 2004 and sometimes I'd have to take them too as I had no one to mind them. I wasn't allowed to put anything or dressings on my breast and I'd cry myself to sleep and no pat on my back or a cuddle or any comfort from him. Same as the mastectomy , never looked at it or asked how I felt - a big fat zero, like it wasn't happening. When I was bald he wanted me to put on my wig before sex, not exactly a positive for my self esteem. I was fat, bald , had one breast and slept /cried every day for 6 months. So like you I always look after me and my kids, always have and the kids all know what their father is like too. I raised them and now they are 21, 23 and 25 . I love my husband but I don't like him at all. In the last 2 years he's turned into a nasty , mean , know it all old man. My youngest is still at home and has 2 more years of Uni to go and has just been diagnosed with Chrohns disease. After that I'm gone !! As the song by Moving Pictures says " What about Me" ! Ive looked after everyone the best years of my life and indulged , cared , loved then all and put myself last but that's going to change. I no longer want to put up with negative people and creep around on tippy toes in case he's in a shit mood.  I want to enjoy what left I have of my life and hopefully not get cancer again for the 3rd time! Life is too short and you only get one go so I'm going to make the most of what's left!  Why is it always up to the woman to try and fix relashioships when the man does nothing! You  deserve to be happy too and live a peaceful life . Hope you do??. Sorry for the long rant !