Newby

Thanks everyone.  It's nice to feel like I can just be myself in the moment without having to put a face on.  I have heard this journey likened to a roller coaster.  I feel like it's more like a luge.  No safety bar, completely vulnerable and not fun!

I shaved my head and now awaiting the hair loss.  I keep having dreams about losing the hair, most recently this morning.  I dreamed I woke up and walked into the bathroom and there was a bare patch above my forehead.  Even though I've done the shave (which was both traumatic and empowering) I'm still anticipating the hair loss with dread.  I keep tugging at the hair but it's still stuck fast, and I know that on TC chemo, people seem to lose it on day 14.  That's this Friday.  I'm glad I shaved it off first, so it's not such a shock when it happens.

I went to work yesterday and today and unfortunately it seems as though the word hasn't gotten out there yet and a lot of people don't know, so I'm having to break the news yet again.  I'm so over it.  I feel like wearing a t-shirt that says "I've got breast cancer" so that people aren't put on the spot and have that weird reaction of shock and pity mixed together.  Someone asked me how my holiday was, as I've been off for about a month.  It was horrible to say "holiday?  No.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer".  Even now I feel like scrubbing the memory of that conversation from my brain.

I'm at a complete stall.  My heart aches for the loss of my aunt.  She was cycling whilst on holiday in QLD and was involved in a hit and run.  Even though this time in my life is traumatic and upsetting, it does not compare to that event.  I miss her so terribly.  She would have been the perfect person to hold my hand through this.  My mother is my support person, and I love her very much and appreciate everything she is doing for me, but my aunty was a trained nurse, down to earth, centred and calm. 

Anyway, that's my whinge for today.  Yesterday I had such a good day.  I had lots of energy and went to work for a whole 5 hours!  Today I only managed 3.  I've got a Zoladex implant during chemo and today I had a breakthrough bleed, which explains my pity party I guess.  Thanks for listening/reading. 

Oh, I made a video of the before and after hair.  Feel free to have a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI4ZbdTDjNM