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Anonymous's avatar
Anonymous
14 years ago

I soooo need to blog!

So here I am, still waiting for a treatment plan, which I am to receive on 18th October 2011, including my first bout of treatment. I had my first Psychologist visit today which was very worthwhile. Having said that, my anxiety levels are still high...due to the waiting! I had my first ever full body bone (CT) scan on Tuesday and to be honest, I felt quite traumatised at the end of it. I normally dont have any problems with scans or tests, but because of the seriousness of this one, and what is at stake, my anxiety levels got the better of me and I ended up in tears. Turning around to watch my skeleton on the screen, lighting up in certain areas just freaked me out! I was certain I saw cancer due to the lightened areas, but my sister tried to convince me that I was jumping the gun, as we are not trained to interpret the scans!! The radiologist clearly knew what the results were, but said "I'm very sorry, I cant say anything. I cant give you any good or bad news. You will get your results on Tuesday".......ONE WEEK AWAY! Long time to wait to know what's in store! I already know I have lung mets, and I strongly suspect bone mets too due to lower back pain (although I do not know for sure obviously). So if this is the case what will this mean for me? If I have 2 mets is this a terminal diagnosis? or can these two be treated together? I have so many questions but am scared to get the answers...and the waiting is dreadful...I just want to get treatment started so that I can feel active in all this. I feel terrifed of what I may discover on Tuesday.....that the diagnosis is more serious than first thought. To try to feel some control over this siutation I am changing my diet, meditating and taking supplements (in addition to any treatment I will receive). I feel a little better that I am doing something at least. While I want Tuesday to come around quicker, I am scared too....what will happen? will there be any further shocks? how will i cope...will I be able to "dance in the rain?"

15 Replies

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous

    Thank you Chris. The garden you visited sounds absolutely lovely. Thank you for having me in your thoughts, take care Celeste xx

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous

    Thank you Annie. Yes the waiting is dreadful isn't it? I am lucky that I have sleeping tablets which have worked wonders so at least I get a good nights sleep. I asked for them when I got the news because I know what I'm like...my anxiety levels just go through the roof in stressful times like this and I cant sleep. I have lots of questions running through my head...where did it all go wrong? Diet? Medication? Stress?...but nobody knows. I also wonder why me? but again there is no answer to that either.

    Thank you Annie for your kind words and best wishes. I am hoping and praying that the results on Tuesday will be not as bad as I am expecting.

    Take care, Celeste xx

  • Hi Celeste, Just to let you know, that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope your results are all good and that the waiting won't be too bad. I am in Perth for a few days, and spent 5 hours in the Kings park / botanical garden today. It was truly magical, and one area in particular, called, " the place of reflection", moved me to tears. It is a beautiful garden, for peace, contemplation and healing through nature. I sat a cried and said a prayer for all my bcna friends, and I'm teary again when I read your story. It did my soul good to enjoy the beauty of this park, and to think about all of us with breast cancer and others who are suffering at present. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. Love Chris xx
  • Hi Celeste, Just to let you know, that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope your results are all good and that the waiting won't be too bad. I am in Perth for a few days, and spent 5 hours in the Kings park / botanical garden today. It was truly magical, and one area in particular, called, " the place of reflection", moved me to tears. It is a beautiful garden, for peace, contemplation and healing through nature. I sat a cried and said a prayer for all my bcna friends, and I'm teary again when I read your story. It did my soul good to enjoy the beauty of this park, and to think about all of us with breast cancer and others who are suffering at present. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. Love Chris xx
  • Celeste i am so sorry for you and your pain and anxiety you must be going through.I think the worst part of this journey is waiting.Waiting for treatments, waiting for tests, waiting for results.If only the specialists and doctors knew how hard it is to wait.

    I dont have any answers for you and i cant imagine what your head is doing it so hard to know the right thing to do.Wondering where things went wrong was it diet medication stress? All the agonising questions we run through our heads.I dont think ive slept since all this started which is nearly a year ago, and i know this cant be good for me.

    I wish you all the best and wish there was a magic wand i could give you to ease your burden.I hope tuesday comes around quickly for you and that the results are not as bad as you thinking.sending you lots of good vibes and prayers of strenght to see you through this.

    Annie xx