Husband not coping
Brownowl
Brisbane Member Posts: 21 ✭
Does anyone have any advice dealing with a husband who is not dealing with a diagnosis? He’s leaning on me for emotional support and has spent most of the holidays drunk (he was a heavy drinker before) but he just sees the diagnosis as using drinking as a way to cope. I’m trying to stay strong and recover from chemo while caring for our daughter. I’ve been dealing with things pretty well but his outlook is just causing tension and frustration. I understand he’s doing it tough but I need support now. I nursed him through a cancer diagnosis 5 years ago but he says he can’t handle it because it’s me. Sorry for the rant. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Everyone deals with the diagnosis so differently, but it is really important that you get the support you need. I am in no way qualified, but I can really recommend giving the Cancer Council a call as they have support services which may be able to give you some ideas about how to handle things.
You are not ranting at all and this is a great place to come to for support and understanding. You need to be supported. At the moment the priority is your health and allowing your body time to heal. In the meantime, could you try doing a couple of day activities that you all will enjoy - picnic; beach trip - things that don’t really present the opportunity to drink so that you can spend time with your daughter and kind of break the routine.
Take care and I am sending you a hug - the road we walk can be just so exhausting, but we are here for you. Mx
One thing that may help you is to realise that it is not up to you. Your husband is a grown man who is, no matter the reason, making choices. For many of us, we spend so much of ourselves trying to make things right for everybody that it becomes so instinctive that we don't even realise we are doing it. Only you know how you feel but it may be that another strategy is to take a step back from trying to solve things and concentrate on yourself and your child. For practical things, ask family or friends for assistance (meals, driving, etc). If you can afford it, maybe get a cleaner for the hardest stuff so that you can focus on you. I'm not telling you what I think you should do, but suggesting other ways.
This is tough stuff. Whether you take action or not, make sure that you are doing what you can handle. Sometimes we feel pressured (often by ourselves) that we should make a stand on something that we are just not ready to deal with. Take care.
If you have been dealing with his dependency issues for a while you have probably weathered similar storms, but the holiday season (curse it and the bloody reindeer it rode in on) can tip folk over the top. Like the others, I can't give you any personal advice and this is a particularly challenging time to get any professional help.
If you haven't heard of the Otis Foundation https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/ maybe try to book some time away without him. That won't help today, but it will give you something to look forward to where you can spend some quality time with your daughter and not have to clean up anyone else's mess--emotional of physical.
If you feel unsafe please make sure someone close to you knows that and keeps an eye on your home situation. If you fell threatened go and stay with someone, pretty much anyone, and tell him you will discuss things when he is sober. Mxx
Take care of you and your girl. If you feel safe and can talk to him about the effect it is having on you, try.
I would wait until he was sober. Some days his reactions were better than others.
When you are feeling stronger it might be the time for you to think about really facing the issue but right now just do what you can to feel safe.
I understand what a stress this is on top of everything else.
Hopefully in a sober light the message gets through.
Best wishes as you navigate treatment
Not sure if you have enlisted the aid of a McGrath Breast Care nurse to help you through your treatment/recovery. I did & found her help,advice & support invaluable & all for free! We would email or ring each other when I had a silly question to ask or she would contact me to see how i was going. She also visited me personally when she was in my area.
When i first started seeing her, she said that her service was not only for me but for ANY family member/relative/friend who had questions, concerns & wasnt coping with my diagnosis. She was wonderful & these nurses offer free counselling for any relative. i wondered if this may be of help to you as it wouldn't be as confronting as going to see a GP/counselor/psychologist at their rooms when she could possibly come to your home. If it was included in a support visit for you, then your husband could speak to her during the visit & maybe your daughter too.
I hope you stay strong & positive for you as you need to look after number one & care for your daughter. I know it is hard for family looking on as they often feel helpless in this situation & your husband maybe reliving his own cancer journey but that is no excuse for not supporting you through yours. If anything, he should know how you feel & he may not mean it, but his actions are a little selfish when you need his support. Sending love, strength & prayers to you & be kind to yourself xxxx