husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

dodg113 · November 2020

Hi
I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and unfortuantely that has happened.
'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself.
My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it.
I think he has been in denial and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast.
Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him?
He is v resistant to counselling....:(

ddon · November 2020

I feel for you and your husband both. It is easy to just say ‘well, I am the one whose life has been turned upside down and my body mutilated ‘ but you are being very understanding by wanting to find support for him. Men - In my experience - feel very much the need to ‘fix’ things and they struggle so much with the fact that this can’t be fixed. It’s out of their hands and when they feel helpless they can get angry or just irrational maybe. They need to lay blame on something concrete.

My husband has had support by friends but he hasn’t tended to talk about how he feels. I think gradually over the year he has just come to terms with it all - I have had both breasts off, gained a few kilos on chemo, and generally became a tireder, slower version of myself. He realises he might not have me for the long haul so he has to just appreciate me now however I come 😊 I hope you can find some incidental support if your husband isn’t one for counselling. Mine isn’t either. Take care.

FLClover · November 2020

Hi @dodg113
I can understand him not being able to deal with the fact you got breast cancer and being scared by it all. That’s a normal reaction.

But I understand you more. And what you don’t need right now is to be told that you’re unattractive, especially after having gone through so much heavy surgery. You didn’t choose to have bc, you didn’t choose to need surgery, and you didn’t choose to put on weight (8kgs is not a lot btw!!!). Nobody does. Shit happens. You deal with it. And you’re dealing with it remarkably well. You already had a long reconstruction to try and look as normal as possible again. If you ask me, you’ve done fantastically well. It is a massive bummer that the recon didn’t work, and I really feel for you, as it’s really unfair.

So now you need to be treated like a queen and pampered all the time. You’ve been through the worst ordeal. Throw yourself into self care and self love.

As for your hubby, I think he needs reminding of all this, and a really big reality check. Cancer is hard to deal with, that’s why there are psychologists for all involved. If he’s not into counselling, then he can find a support group for partners. But in my humble opinion, under no circumstances are you the one who should be supporting him. It should be reversed. HE really needs to support YOU, especially now!!! That’s what marriage should be about. I’m not sure he has any clue of everything you’ve been through and still are. My partner just told me 2 days ago that it’s my choice whether I want to have implants put in, or just go flat. He would support me no matter what. And my love handles are no problem either. That’s the kind of support you need right now, so please support yourself in finding it. Whether that means surrounding yourself with family, such as siblings, cousins etc, that will tell you how beautiful you still are, or taking a little break from
hubby for a while if he refuses counselling for it, please do it. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I’m a little stunned at your situation. Beauty should never be just about physical appearance. We are humans, not dolls. We don’t know what can happen to any of us, that’s why we need to have people around us we can count on in situations like these. And atm, sounds like you’re going into minus. I know your hubby doesn’t mean it, he’s prob not aware of how he’s coming off. But that’s why he needs serious counselling. If he doesn’t want it, this shouldn’t be your problem.

I’m so sorry honey, I really hope this sorts out for you. You sound so lovey. All the best 🍀♥️

Sister · November 2020

I don't know how to respond to this @dodg113. I'm inclined to anger but I know that's not the answer. I'm sure there are support groups out there but he will have to make the move whether they are face-to-face or virtual. It does sound like you need support, too.

MicheleR · November 2020

Try the cancer council?

FLClover · November 2020

@dodg113 I wrote you a really long (sorry) response but for some reason it disappeared. Apparently needed to be approved first.

Anyway, it was along the lines of: you should be the one getting all the support right now. You did everything you could to get rid of the cancer and try to look ‘normal’ again by enduring a very long and painful reconstruction. It didn’t work, and that’s not your fault. You actually need even more support because of that.

None of this was your choice, and life happens. Spouses are supposed to be there for each other in these difficult situations. People change, they put on weight etc, this is normal. You should still be beautiful in his eyes.

I understand this is hard on him too, and he probably doesn’t mean it in a mean way. But that’s why there’s psychologists available for everyone involved. If he doesn’t want to see one, that’s his problem, not yours. Please support yourself in getting the support you really need right now.

You sound like such a lovely lady. I really hope you start getting the love and support you need and deserve ♥️♥️♥️

TonyaM · November 2020

Hi dodg113,
BCNA have a resource booklet for men called’how can I fix it’(or similar title) You could ring and have it posted out? I think we all adjust in our own way and time.When I had my mastectomy, I preferred to cover up in bed and not let my husband see or touch my scar.I felt more comfortable that way and he was ok with that. We’ve been married for 41yrs and he loves me no matter what.I guess I’d feel pretty hurt if he was reacting like your husband.But perhaps he needs more time to adjust?I’m sorry your recon didn’t work out as planned- such a difficult time for you.Tell your husband you need his support more than ever and keep communicating together.

iserbrown · November 2020

https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/

Caz1 · November 2020

@dodg113, oh Honey I feel for you. I totally second what @FLClover says.
You are beautiful and lovely with and without boobs and don’t deserve this BS.
Sending love and a million hugs to you
Caz xxxxx

dodg113 · November 2020

wow - thank you so much everyone - some well needed support.!
my husband is really supportive - this has been a loong journey for both of us - started 6 yrs ago w 1st breast ca and a multitude of bizarre life threatening events unrelated to bc ...
it was v unlike him to respond like he did and prob good that he could vent a bit but guess thats why I was so taken back and upset.
He just really wants me back like I was but thats not going to happen and he is only coming to that realisation now...
In a weird way I find when look at failed recon area all it says to me is YEAH no 3rd BC!!!.

Will get booklet for him and am going to see if he will come w me to my psychologist which he has said will do previously...
love and hugs to everyone - thank you so much!

Zoffiel · November 2020

@dodg113 I've got a failed reconstruction too. It is really challenging. After a recurrence in 2016, I've stacked an extra 10 kg on an already 'generous' frame, so I get that as well.

I was single when I had my first episode and I can tell you that dating was a pretty daunting experience. Despite being told that things were not pretty in the tit department, I still had a couple of rejections when the gentlemen concerned got their first eyeful of the mess. Thankfully I persisted and now have the sort of partner I wish I'd had years ago.

My response to male queazinesss? 'I'd prefer you concentrated on what is going on between my ears rather than what is happening under my shirt.'

Because that's what I want. I won't accept anything else. I might add that with one notable exception the failed suitors where not exactly perfect physical specimens either. Everyone--male, female, young, old, beautiful or not -- is one fraction of a second away from a life changing disfigurement or loss of function. Something men need to consider since so many of them find their dicks stop working properly in later life

We can't get our old lives back and it's pointlessly cruel to suggest we have failed because of that. No-one choses this shit. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide what he can, or can't, tolerate; we all know the feeling of pointlessly thrashing around in a state of denial. Those of robust character get over it, let's hope he's one of the good ones. Even though a few of us would probable give him a swift kick up the bum at the moment. MXX

Dory65 · November 2020

Hey @Zoffiel,
where/how did you find your current evolved partner? I've been single for too many years...got any dating tips?

FLClover · November 2020

That’s great @dodg113, I really hope he goes to the psychologist with you. It’s actually quite necessary. This is a VERY tough road for everyone, and quite challenging and confronting too. Him being mean like that is most probably because of other underlying issues, but he obviously needs to get them sorted. For both your sakes, because continuing with that kind of behaviour in any relationship is not going to benefit anyone. Life is hard enough as it is. You are partners. As @Zoffiel said, let’s hope he really is one of the good ones and realises you are still you, that people are prone to changing but we should continue to love each other. And that is could happen to literally anyone. Also, he needs to be aesthetically perfect to complain about you 🤔.

I know it’s probably hard having so many of us ‘attack’ your hubby, especially because you didn’t expect this from him. It’s hard to deal with the fact our partner seems to be turning against us, on top of everything else. But it’s not about judging him, and others. We’re all a little lost and scared sometimes, and act out of character. It’s about us offering support to you that sounds like you really need right now, and hoping he gets the support he obviously needs too. Good luck to you both, I hope the outcome is for everyone’s highest good 🤞♥️

dodg113 · November 2020

thank you everyone.It has been good getting "outsiders" viewpoint as agree I am prob being too generous to him - but at same time really not fair what he said ..and is def not a perfect specimen - also bit fatter now than 26 yrs ago!!
@Zoffiel - thank you ,what did you end up doing after failed recon - ? think we all had really high hopes that if this recon worked then this year could put BC behind us in a way - but now thought of needing more surgery is too daunting - am not going to do anything for a year as my daughter starts yr 12 - too hard on all of us....

Dory65 · November 2020

Hi @dodg113,
it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and you seem to be putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. What about you? Is there any chance you can take some time out just for yourself? I took myself off for two nights away on my own recently. Did a bit of tootling around the countryside doing what I wanted when I wanted. I had a good cry - without someone trying to stop me! Very cathartic. Get it all out. Sob. Scream. I stayed in a historic house converted into a boutique hotel. Note - "boutique" does not necessarily mean "luxury" - but it was interesting.

Zoffiel · November 2020

@Dory65, I bought him on the internet...

@dodg113 I've had my implants replaced twice and have had more revisions and repositioning than I can count in the last 14 years. They are a tortured twist of gristle, scar tissue and mangled silicone and they HURT.

Before anyone suggests seeing another surgeon or fat grafting etc, thanks in advance, but please don't. I'm over it.

The last episode, a wide excision and level three node clearance, more chemo and rads has left me a little jaded and the damage firmly beyond repair. So be it.

husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

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