husband not coping with my physical appearance since failed reconstruction

Hi
I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and unfortuantely that has happened.
'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself.
My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it.
I think he has been in denial and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast.
Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him?
He is v resistant to counselling....:(
I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction on breast that was prev radiated - I was aware of risk might fail and unfortuantely that has happened.
'I am left with a mound with nipple and v confronting to look at as sort of collapsed on itself.
My husband is really struggling with my appearance and cant bear to look at it.
I think he has been in denial and now cant avoid fact.. he is quite angry and tells me is more that he is put off/disgusted by fact have put on weight(about 8kg) that fact have no breast.
Does anyone know of a support group for partners/husbands or any ideas how I can support him?
He is v resistant to counselling....:(
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Comments
I can understand him not being able to deal with the fact you got breast cancer and being scared by it all. That’s a normal reaction.
hubby for a while if he refuses counselling for it, please do it. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I’m a little stunned at your situation. Beauty should never be just about physical appearance. We are humans, not dolls. We don’t know what can happen to any of us, that’s why we need to have people around us we can count on in situations like these. And atm, sounds like you’re going into minus. I know your hubby doesn’t mean it, he’s prob not aware of how he’s coming off. But that’s why he needs serious counselling. If he doesn’t want it, this shouldn’t be your problem.
BCNA have a resource booklet for men called’how can I fix it’(or similar title) You could ring and have it posted out? I think we all adjust in our own way and time.When I had my mastectomy, I preferred to cover up in bed and not let my husband see or touch my scar.I felt more comfortable that way and he was ok with that. We’ve been married for 41yrs and he loves me no matter what.I guess I’d feel pretty hurt if he was reacting like your husband.But perhaps he needs more time to adjust?I’m sorry your recon didn’t work out as planned- such a difficult time for you.Tell your husband you need his support more than ever and keep communicating together.
You are beautiful and lovely with and without boobs and don’t deserve this BS.
Sending love and a million hugs to you
Caz xxxxx
my husband is really supportive - this has been a loong journey for both of us - started 6 yrs ago w 1st breast ca and a multitude of bizarre life threatening events unrelated to bc ...
it was v unlike him to respond like he did and prob good that he could vent a bit but guess thats why I was so taken back and upset.
He just really wants me back like I was but thats not going to happen and he is only coming to that realisation now...
In a weird way I find when look at failed recon area all it says to me is YEAH no 3rd BC!!!.
Will get booklet for him and am going to see if he will come w me to my psychologist which he has said will do previously...
love and hugs to everyone - thank you so much!
I was single when I had my first episode and I can tell you that dating was a pretty daunting experience. Despite being told that things were not pretty in the tit department, I still had a couple of rejections when the gentlemen concerned got their first eyeful of the mess. Thankfully I persisted and now have the sort of partner I wish I'd had years ago.
My response to male queazinesss? 'I'd prefer you concentrated on what is going on between my ears rather than what is happening under my shirt.'
Because that's what I want. I won't accept anything else. I might add that with one notable exception the failed suitors where not exactly perfect physical specimens either. Everyone--male, female, young, old, beautiful or not -- is one fraction of a second away from a life changing disfigurement or loss of function. Something men need to consider since so many of them find their dicks stop working properly in later life
We can't get our old lives back and it's pointlessly cruel to suggest we have failed because of that. No-one choses this shit. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide what he can, or can't, tolerate; we all know the feeling of pointlessly thrashing around in a state of denial. Those of robust character get over it, let's hope he's one of the good ones. Even though a few of us would probable give him a swift kick up the bum at the moment. MXX
where/how did you find your current evolved partner? I've been single for too many years...got any dating tips?
@Zoffiel - thank you ,what did you end up doing after failed recon - ? think we all had really high hopes that if this recon worked then this year could put BC behind us in a way - but now thought of needing more surgery is too daunting - am not going to do anything for a year as my daughter starts yr 12 - too hard on all of us....
it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and you seem to be putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. What about you? Is there any chance you can take some time out just for yourself? I took myself off for two nights away on my own recently. Did a bit of tootling around the countryside doing what I wanted when I wanted. I had a good cry - without someone trying to stop me! Very cathartic. Get it all out. Sob. Scream. I stayed in a historic house converted into a boutique hotel. Note - "boutique" does not necessarily mean "luxury" - but it was interesting.
@dodg113 I've had my implants replaced twice and have had more revisions and repositioning than I can count in the last 14 years. They are a tortured twist of gristle, scar tissue and mangled silicone and they HURT.
Before anyone suggests seeing another surgeon or fat grafting etc, thanks in advance, but please don't. I'm over it.
The last episode, a wide excision and level three node clearance, more chemo and rads has left me a little jaded and the damage firmly beyond repair. So be it.