Feelings and waiting..

I like to write for my own therapy and figured here would be a good place to do it - for validation, to help others maybe, and just knowing I'm in an environment that understands this roller coaster. I only just got on it (3rd October) and have other health issues I'm waiting on answers for also. This is making things a tad difficult when it comes to appointments and knowing which order things need to be done.
This week, attention goes to my heart. I'm on a beta blocker and we don't get along. It doesn't help my emotions at all and I'm walking around like a zombie. Tomorrow I have a heart ultrasound, Tuesday a catheter angiogram (CT showed blockages), so they will determine what treatment to go with, or put stents in on the spot. In other words, I have no outcome expectation.
Cancer treatment can't start till they fix my heart issue. I have a surgeon appointment on the 22nd, as they'd booked me in for this Tuesday and obviously I was busy :-)
So with all this, and the dr telling me to stay home till my heart is repaired, I have had way too much time on my hands. I try and keep busy, but with the BB slowing me right down and making me feel like crap, I get into lazy mode hugely. I don't doubt for a minute that my emotions re cancer, the unknown (ie still not knowing if I also have bowel cancer), the fear of what is to come etc.. all play a huge part in the downfall of my otherwise 'usually' positive nature.
I also decided it would be ok for people around me - colleagues, friends/family to know what is going on. That can also be overwhelming. A lot of messages, phone calls, support. It's beautiful, but sometimes you just don't want to think about it all. I did the nice (?) thing and caught up with a few people for lunches over the last week, but maybe that was taxing too, how many times do we answer the questions. I know.. it's fantastic people care.. I am keeping my cool, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and imagine it's not there.
So.. yesterday I just broke. I have hardly shed a tear up till now. I have talked to people, shared how I thought I felt, but never - until yesterday - knew exactly how it was that I was feeling...
I am TERRIFIED. I am mourning the old me. I am bitter because now my life is going to be taken over with appointments, feeling crappy, not being able to do a lot of things I love doing for a while. And of course there is that feeling of facing your own mortality.. and having to decide what kind of surgery to go with. That is SUCH a horrible choice to have to make.
I have the hugest admiration for all of you - I can do this (we don't have a choice really hey) but wow, the emotions.. it's going to be a long ride


This week, attention goes to my heart. I'm on a beta blocker and we don't get along. It doesn't help my emotions at all and I'm walking around like a zombie. Tomorrow I have a heart ultrasound, Tuesday a catheter angiogram (CT showed blockages), so they will determine what treatment to go with, or put stents in on the spot. In other words, I have no outcome expectation.
Cancer treatment can't start till they fix my heart issue. I have a surgeon appointment on the 22nd, as they'd booked me in for this Tuesday and obviously I was busy :-)
So with all this, and the dr telling me to stay home till my heart is repaired, I have had way too much time on my hands. I try and keep busy, but with the BB slowing me right down and making me feel like crap, I get into lazy mode hugely. I don't doubt for a minute that my emotions re cancer, the unknown (ie still not knowing if I also have bowel cancer), the fear of what is to come etc.. all play a huge part in the downfall of my otherwise 'usually' positive nature.
I also decided it would be ok for people around me - colleagues, friends/family to know what is going on. That can also be overwhelming. A lot of messages, phone calls, support. It's beautiful, but sometimes you just don't want to think about it all. I did the nice (?) thing and caught up with a few people for lunches over the last week, but maybe that was taxing too, how many times do we answer the questions. I know.. it's fantastic people care.. I am keeping my cool, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and imagine it's not there.
So.. yesterday I just broke. I have hardly shed a tear up till now. I have talked to people, shared how I thought I felt, but never - until yesterday - knew exactly how it was that I was feeling...
I am TERRIFIED. I am mourning the old me. I am bitter because now my life is going to be taken over with appointments, feeling crappy, not being able to do a lot of things I love doing for a while. And of course there is that feeling of facing your own mortality.. and having to decide what kind of surgery to go with. That is SUCH a horrible choice to have to make.
I have the hugest admiration for all of you - I can do this (we don't have a choice really hey) but wow, the emotions.. it's going to be a long ride



Tagged:
1
Comments
Being fed slowly into a mincer is a deeply unpleasant experience, particularly when you also have to decide whether to go in head first or feet first.
Telling people about it is difficult, and their reactions can range from comforting to infuriating. It would be nice if we could control the conversations, but once that cat is out of the bag, there is no shoving it back in again. Loss of self is shitty enough without some expectation that you should try to explain it to bystanders who have no bloody idea what it feels like.
Ah well, you are not on your own here. As a senior member of the Twisted Bitter Sisters Club (I just made that up, but I think I might be onto something) I can assure you that though your circumstances are different from other people's, the emotional train wreck is an all too familiar event. Hang in there. Mxx
I have been reflecting over the last few days about mindsets. The thinking goes that everyone has an inherent natural setting, be it on the positive side or the negative one, and that you will return to that mindset whether you get fired or win the lottery. I think that mine is naturally fairly positive but damn it's had some knocks over the last few years and they seem to just keep on coming, so I feel out-of-kilter most of the time.
Take care @aussiee13 and all the best for the coming week's scans.
He said my condition is not life threatening, so it CAN wait till I have my breast surgery (whichever way I go) and we can go from there.
SO glad I found out now before the stent went in.
The lady beside me had pricked her ears up also, she is a BC survivor and was SO lovely to talk to. I learned a lot from her and she was quite teary having someone else to talk to about it. It has given me a different persepective and I am now over confused with what choice I am going to make re surgery.
Feeling happier today because I'm not about to die of a heart attack ;-)
But.. having the stent issue understood and all - makes a huge difference for now.
I think I'm talking in circles
How good was it that the lovely lady was able to chat with you - I wish you well on the order of things - and have got everything crossed that it all works out for the best result for you xxx Big hugs coming your way xx