Not doing so well tonight

Sazbe · March 2019

I had my breast reduction local wide excision with 3 nodes removed yesterday.
My partner did not offer to come in, so he went to work and I did it on my own. I was a bit disappointed that he did not offer, but as he lost his wife to metastatic melanoma I do understand that this is confronting for him. He came in to visit last night, and brought me a coffee on his way to work this morning.

The breast care nurse came to see me yesterday, she was great, gave me lots of information, fitted me for a Berlie bra and said she would be in to day with some soft forms.

I woke up last night in recovery in a lot of pain, that they had a hard time controlling. And I'm in a reasonable amount of pain now.

Surgeon came and saw me this morning. She has taken out about 250g including tumor and surrounding tissue. She also said the nodes felt quite firm. She said that can happen with reactive nodes, but I know she was preparing me in case it's not good news when I see her on Wednesday.

A different breast care nurse came to see me today, she asked me if I had any questions and I couldn't think of any. I was still feeling pretty groggy from waking every hour last night.

My partner has not come in to see me tonight, he has not called to see how I am. I'm in pain. One of my boobs is half the size of the other and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

iserbrown · March 2019

Dear oh dear! It will get better! Huge trauma and adjustment for you and your partner.
Take care of you and don't sweat the small stuff
Take care

kmakm · March 2019

Oh @Sazbe you poor love, you are really in the weeds.

Someone here said they were once told by a medico that there was no clinical purpose for pain. Can you get some stronger painkillers? There really is no point in suffering if you don't have to. I had quite a lot of pain with my WLE but it subsided quite quickly, in a couple of days, apart from movement related pain.

General anaesthetics can make you feel low, as can lying there with nothing to distract you from the big bogeyman. Have you got something you can listen to on an iPod etc? A podcast, talking book or some meditation?

As for your husband, I'd like to suggest that you put aside your expectations, as clearly they are not going to be met. My mother said that for a long time in her marriage to my father, she hoped that he'd give her thoughtful, meaningful and lovely birthday and Christmas presents. She'd drop pointed hints, but it rarely worked. Early on in my marriage I was making a similar complaint about my darling husband, and she told me I'd save a lot of heartache if I stopped expecting and just bought the gift myself. She was right! So apart from the odd moment of wistfulness for a grand romantic gesture, I've let go of it.

I think the definition of madness being doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different outcome could apply here! Perhaps letting go of your expectations of your husband will save you both some considerable angst and woe.

You are clearly very considerate of your husband's grief and pain. Perhaps through this BC experience you could designate someone else to be your 'person'. A relation, or a best friend? Maybe even two people. Sometimes you find that it's not your closest mates who step up in times of crisis, but the circle beyond the inner one, or a colleague. People surprise you, and with a few exceptions, always want to help.

As for your uneven boobs, well the rogue one will settle a bit and time will tell whether you really go on to care about the uneven nature of them. Lots of women decide they don't, and you can always see a plastic surgeon about augmentation or reduction to match if you do. Care that is. Give it time.

Breathe lovely. Be kind to yourself. And remember you're never alone here. The Whale of Doom has got you at the moment. You'll feel better in the morning. Big (but gentle!) hug, K xox

AllyJay · March 2019

My dear @Sazbe, I wish I could come over and give you a big gentle hug too. I agree with @kmakm about a breast friend...a sort of breast doula, who could fill in the gaps which your partner seems unable to fill. Perhaps it is his past traumatic experience with his first wife or maybe it is just his underlying nature. I've been married for nearly thirty nine years now, and my Bearded One is an Aspie. (aspergers). It took me a good few years to learn to spell out my needs and wants very clearly. He doesn't get hints and finds it very difficult to read people. I learnt early on not to say something like "Ooh, a cup of tea would be nice"...as his typical response would be "That sounds like a good idea, I'll have a coffee thanks". I had to say "Lovey, could you please make me a cup of tea?" ...and he would, quite happily. I also had some stupid brain fart, after about four of five years of marriage. I was feeling quite emotionally neglected and sobbed... "You never tell me you love me anymore..." His response was "I told you I love you when I married you. If the situation changes. I'll let you know" So Romeo, he most certainly isn't, but his deep love for me is something else. He has cared for me in his way for all these years, and all I had to do, was drop my expectations of him being able to show his love for me in a way that he simply couldn't. Any more than expecting a colour blind person to tell red from green, he just can't. Pain is another story...don't put up with it. Tell the staff you need either more of what you're getting, or more frequently, or perhaps something different. If drug A isn't doing the job, perhaps you need drug B. Be gentle with yourself, and remember, this isn't just a physical attack on your body, it's an attack on your soul and your inner peace. There is no magic bullet for that, but it will improve. The night time nasties will become easier to put into perspective when your physical pain lessens, and then your inside healing can begin. We are all here for you, and can give you an electronic shoulder to lean on, and we will, day or night. I hope you get some rest tonight, and that you feel a bit better tomorrow. (((hug))) Ally.

Kiwi Angel · March 2019

@Sazbe. I feel badly for you. It’s such a terrible time physically and emotionally. Don’t start panicking until u get definitive results - u have to concentrate on looking after yourself now. I would be asking for more pain medication too if u are uncomfortable. Do u have a good friend that can come and visit? Big hugs xoxox

Annski · March 2019

@sazbe, I feel so sorry you are going through this, apparently alone - as others have said so wisely, first priority is to get your pain under control and next is to get someone as your supporter who you can rely on to be with you through the diagnosis/pathology/treatment phase. If your partner simply cannot do it, then he can't, but you do need another set of ears to help you take it in. If there is anything you need to know beyond what your immediate medical team tells you ask here, and if you need to let your feelings out, here is a good place for that as well. Where are you located? Most hospitals have social workers or counsellors attached, who could be helpful once this first phase is managed. Also your breast care nurse might be good to talk to as soon ss you feel up to it. Thinking of you and hoping you feel a bit better soon. Annski.

Sister · March 2019

The others have put it so well @sazbe. I understand your pain at not having your partner there and I don't know the reasons but do remember that being there is not always a sign of great love and care. It is important that you have someone with you though if you can - a friend can be that someone instead of a partner.

You're going through a very emotional time and, if like many of us, you're used to being the one who gets on with it, you may find yourself shocked by your fragility. Now is the time that you have to look after you.

Ask for more pain meds but also make sure that you're not becoming constipated. It can sometimes be something that the medical staff don't follow up.

Take care.

SoldierCrab · March 2019

Hi Sazbe,

I see by the above posts the ladies have embraced you with the support which we give here (via online supports).

Pain relief is the most important thing here.

I remember your first post.... Not only will your partner be dealing with the emotional baggage of losing his first wife to Cancer but he also has the children to look after.... they might all be struggling at this time...

I agree you might need to embrace a friend/sister who can support you emotionally during this time.

your partner sounds like he is avoiding the hospital situation because then he can pretend this is not happening... it doesn't mean he doesn't care deeply about what is happening but perhaps cares too deeply. If that makes sense.

If your BC Nurse comes in today ask about if there is a local BC group.... your supports might come from there.

It is OK to feel overwhelmed, you might feel better after a good cry some women do....

But please ask for more pain relief until you have relief.....

Breathe and remember this shall pass and you will take the steps you need which will enable you to Live.

Gentle hugs and support
Always know the forum sisters/brothers will listen and support you

Soldiercrab

arpie · March 2019

What a wonderful post, @AllyJay xxx

@Sazbe - I was very lucky in having a guardian angel who is 5 years clear of BC as my mentor - she lives in Qld, I am in NSW. I was able to put all my fears & tears past her & she was able to calm me down & put me on a steady course - she is also a nurse. I hope one of your buddies or a family member will step up to the plate in this caring role - as it is important to have someone who you can be totally truthful with from the start.

My husband has dementia and is supportive 'in his way' but is not always 'there' for me ..... I really feel for both you and your partner - I can only imagine the stress that he is going thru since your own diagnosis - which only compounds your own stress.

Where abouts are you (town/city) - some of our members may know of BC services available in your area. Has your BC nurse given you a pillow/cushion for support of your arm? Mine was invaluable.

Definitely keep up the pain killers on a regular basis for at least a week (whether you think you need them or not) as once the pain breaks thru the meds barrier - it takes even longer to control it again.

When you DO go home - be aware that every bump in the road may 'jar' your boob - and it may well hurt (I know mine did!) I was grabbing my boob at every known bump in the road at my home town (and there are hundreds!)

As the others have said - be kind to yourself, make haste slowly - it will take time, but it will get better.

take care, thinking of you xx

Brenda5 · March 2019

I don't often listen to my mother as she has some wacky thoughts but she did once tell me, men are doers. If there is something they can physically do or get for you they are happy.
Perhaps your hubby apart from bringing a thoughtful coffee, can't think of anything else he can do for you?
Breast cancer stresses the heck out of husbands. I am a 3 year survivor and my hubby is still on happy pills to cope.

kmakm · March 2019

Hey @Sazbe, how are you getting on? K xox

Sazbe · March 2019

Firstly I wish to thank everyone for your very kind replies. Although I was not able to respond at the time, they were very comforting to me and just what I needed at the time so thank you.

@kmakm, I'm doing ok. I'm back in hospital so your timing is perfect!

I had 1 of 3 node positive so has an axillary clearance done yesterday.
I did not get the pain properly controlled so let the anaesthetist know. He use more morphine which still didn't cut it so I ended up with a fentanyl PCA yesterday. It controlled the pain but made me feel horribly sedated, meant I needed to stay on oxygen, have calf compressors and IVT, which meant I was off to the bathroom every 5 minutes overnight. Oh and some vomiting, So I was thoroughly fed up with it by this morning and decided I preferred the pain!

They have given me palexia which is working a treat now, no pain and feeling well.

I had a good talk with my partner the other night. I have been trying to protect him through all of this and realise that he can't support me if I'm not letting him know how this is affecting me. He was blissfully unaware of my fears going to see the Oncologist this week as I knew I would get my staging results (all clear).

So I start chemo on the 8th April followed by 6.5 weeks of whole breast and supra clavicular radiotherapy.

I have long hair half way down my back, so I'm planning on getting a pixie cut next week, and thinking about donating my hair.

In terms of supports my family is all in NZ. I only told my mum last week. She is going down the lets be positive about this, which is good but I feel like I can't really confide in her when I have my down moments. My best friend is going through her own stuff at the moment. Which is why I came here when I felt like I really wasn't coping. And I really appreciate the support.

@arpie yes I have the pillow it is great, my daughter calls it my handbag

I am in Adelaide.

@SoldierCrab Thank you for your lovely reply. I think you were right about DP avoiding hospital to pretend that this is not happening. He is sucking that up and coming in now, he really is a wonderful man.

arpie · March 2019

Take care, @Sazbe ... make haste slowly - and all the best for your upcoming treatment xx

Sister · March 2019

I am glad that you have been able to talk to your husband @sazbe It's really important that you be able to express your anxieties with your support person.

Where are you going for chemo? Before getting your hair cut, you may want to investigate whether you can access cold caps. I went to Calvary North Adelaide and they do offer them. I gave it a go and for me unfortunately, it didn't work well enough so I didn't continue - that was when I clipped my hair. However, if you don't want to be bothered, there's going to be hair shaving around for blood cancers soon! I believe they'll be using long lengths for wigs and short lengths for environmental clean up brushes.

Best wishes for your treatment.

Pinkcloverss · March 2019

@sazbe wishing u all the best in your upcoming chemo rounds. Im newlu diagnosed and due to start AC chemo in 2 weeks!

Not doing so well tonight

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