Speaking the Truth
On the 20th of June this year I underwent my routine mammogram at BSV, albeit 2 or 3 months after I was actually due. As I was about to leave I could see my *pictures* & immediately asked the ? technician what is that white mark & which breast is it? She stated that she was not qualified to read the films, but I shouldn't worry, it was probably a cyst *or something* & if there was a problem BSV would contact me.
Well 13 days later I got a phone call asking me to come back for further testing. I told the counsellor who rang me that I had been expecting her call. Two days later, 5th July, 2012 (now embedded in my psych FOREVER!!!!) I returned for another mammogram & ultrasound, after which I was informed that I do indeed have breast cancer! While I was sitting in the waiting room, awaiting my second mammogram, I remember looking at the other women there & thinking "I wonder which one of YOU poor women will be the "one" diagnosed with breast cancer today"? Never in my wildest dreams did I think it may be ME!!!
After the initial shock "announcement/diagnosis" I was fleetingly teary, but that was more for my darling husband who I married 14 months ago - 2 & a half years after he was widowed (through a tragic car accident). How would I begin to tell him & my 2 daughters, one who had only been married 8 weeks & was 8 weeks pregnant? Also, I knew I had to tell my young step-daughters who live with us fulltime. I then met with a Professor of Surgery/Oncology who explained the diagnosis & the need for a biopsy to take place before I left that day. & the insertion of carbon He discussed routine treatment for this stage of breast cancer & gave me information for a trial, which he believed I would qualify for.
I just wanted to run out of there.................. but I didn't! After spending some time with one of the counselling staff (who was brilliant), I made some phone calls, including the one I dreaded most - to my hubby & also rang my bosses to get someone to cover me for work that afternoon.
So those first few days post-diagnosis saw me telling the people I love most in the world of me predicament!
Then I returned for the biopsy results, attended the Breast Clinic, had radioactive dye inserted into my breast - I can't tell you how much fun that was - altrhough in reality, I'm sure those reading this will get it!! Followed by a lumpectomy & removal of lymph nodes the next day as a day-patient. (One week ago).
These last 20 days have neen one hell of a rollercoaster ride. People ask me how I am, they ring, they email, they send gifts, they call my husband, & daughters. They send me constatnt text & facebook messages. They post "Get well soon" cards in the mail (a novelty these days). My gorgeous GP rang to tell me she had received a letter from the Prof, informing her of my diagnosis & dropped the *F* Bomb when she read it!!
Old ladies who I may have met once, but know my husband through Freemasonry call me to tell me about their experiences, other women who I barely know share their experiences with me, others tell me about their friends *War Stories* & how from now on I'll have to pay for mammograms & other stuff, because I am no longer in the category of routine screening!!
People treat me like I have no more than a F***N cold!!!! Some just choose to ignore it! I wish I could bloody ignore it!!! I keep thinking I'm going to wake up in a minute & think S***T - that dream went on for a bloody long time. I feel so desperately, overwhelmingly, sad at times & find myself reeling at it all. If I start to feel like this I think - "Do I have right to feel like this"?? I mean "they" keep saying - we've caught it early, you're so lucky!?! What defines "lucky"?
I want to race back to my Catholic roots which I abandoned so freely at 16!!! I want everyone to pray for me, support me, love me, guarantee a cure for me ...................& my family. I want someone, anyone to make this go away!!!!!!
I HATE THIS!!!! I F***N HATE THIS!!!!!!!
So there you have it - I AM speaking the truth!!
Comments
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Hi CheleC.
I think alot of us ladies here, have had ALL those emotions and feelings. And quite right in them all.
Sorry to say, but it won't go away, and you ... like us... you will deal with it . You must think that you are lucky and that you have caught it early. And now you are going to get better and have treatment.
We here, are all blunt in what we say. But also know that we ALL understand.You can jump on this website and ask any questions and know that one of us has probably gone or going through the same.
You do find the courage and determination to get through this.
Please let us know, what your treatment will be. And its great that you vent out here- we all have big shoulders and can take anything.
Love Julie XX
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Hi Julie,
Thanks so much for your reply which I read before I went to bed last night, it made me feel so much calmer. Yesterday was my first day back at work after surgery & unfortunately I woke this morning with a shocking headache & feeling nauseated, so decided to give work a miss today. I'm fortunate to be able to step back when I need to.
In reality, I think my phase of denial is over! In my heart of hearts I KNOW I am lucky. It's inherently in my nature to think the worst, but I do hope for the best. I have so much to look forward to. It's all so bloody unexpected & has caught me unawares.
My personal support network is SO strong & in the last few weeks I have seen human nature at it's absolute best. People's reactions to my diagnosis have blown me away. The overwhelming sentiment from everyone has been YOU are such a strong woman - if anybody can beat this you can. In a way it's nice to know what people think of you while you're still here to hear it.
For now, I continue to await my appointment with my *team* to get my results & treatment plan, which is booked for next Monday. Today, I feel more positive, although I guess this can change from day to day, but I will keep looking for the positives rather than the negatives. I will let you know what Monday brings.
Thank you SO very much for caring, Julie & I send you my very best wishes.
Love, Michele
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You have stated so well what we all feel when we first get that bc diagnosis. It initially puts us in shock cos it comes out of the blue.Shock goes to denial and we keep thinking it might just be a bad dream.Once we get our heads around it all and we have a plan then we go into battle mode.It's hard to believe but in the "cancer world"we are considered the lucky ones with ebc(not in the real world though).When we get our pathology and it's hormone positive,hercept neg.and no lymph nodes affected,well we think we've won the lottery! Another aspect I find strange is that I felt great when I had breast cancer but I sure didn't afterwards-for a long time.Anyway,I've jumped on here to tell you that I've been on this bc journey twice and beat the little suckers each time.I had it in 2003(a lumpectomy,full node clearance and radiation)and then again in 2010,same spot so mastectomy then chemo.I don't like to jinx myself but I am fine now,just over 2 yrs.This site is wonderful place to come for support,information or to vent.Someone always has the answer or a tip-we are one big collective brain! It sounds like you have great family/friends to support you and now you have your "pink"sisters here.Let us know how you go on Monday.
Tonya xx
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You have just been through the toughest time, and you are allowed to get scared and angry and vent as much as you like.
It is easier to deal with one hurdle at a time on this roller coaster - and the first 30 days for diagnosis/tests/surgery/results is utterly awful and my heart goes out to you. We have all been there, and as Julie and Tonya both said, we deal with it and go into battle mode, and a positive attitude is a huge plus on this journey.
After Monday, you will have a plan of attack, and some of the helpless feelings will lessen. Please let us know how you go, and what they decide for you - we care and we will be waiting.
Let your family and friends help where they can - their support will be such a comfort to you and to them - they will want to help and won't know how.
This site is amazing and always there for you - sending a big hug,
Michelle xx
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Aaaaah love, I am almost halfway through chemo, was diagnosed 9th may and am still going through those feelings. It's a crazy roller coaster we are all on, I think you have to enjoy the good days and allow yourself to feel the bad days.
I have mixed pathology ER/PR positive (good) HER2 positive (not so good) Sentinel node clear (good).
Sometimes it's hard to focus on the good and you find yourself focusing on the not so good.
Be kind to yourself and use all the resources you have.
Good luck love
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I returned to see my surgeon yesterday & he had some wonderful news for me! My cancer is Grade1 & my sentinel node is clear.
He even went so far as to say that he & the Prof consider me to be *cured* - BUT - I will have 5 - 6 weeks of radiotherapy as insurance & Tamoxifen for 5 years.
So now I sort of feel like a fraud................................. !
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I returned to see my surgeon yesterday & he had some wonderful news for me! My cancer is Grade1 & my sentinel node is clear.
He even went so far as to say that he & the Prof consider me to be *cured* - BUT - I will have 5 - 6 weeks of radiotherapy as insurance & Tamoxifen for 5 years.
So now I sort of feel like a fraud................................. !
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