My Journey so far
On new years eve, I had a small get together with friends from interstate. My girlfriend was telling me that she had a mammogram (which came back all clear). 2 days later I was sitting in my lounge room reflecting on our fun New Years Eve, remembering Belinda telling me about her mammogram, and realised I hadn't checked my breast for about 3 months. To my horror, I found a lump in my right breast. Just that in itself was surreal. The thoughts going through my head...No...it cant be etc. I went to work the next moring and threw myself into work. An hour into working I decided to make an appt with my Dr for the thurs (my day off). After a few hours, and constantly feeling the lump, I call the Dr's back and said I wanted to see him that night after work. He of course found the lump but said he didnt think I should worry however, I should see a Breast Cancer specialist. 2 Days later, there I am, sitting in the waiting room of "The Breast Care Centre". Surreal huh!! My appointment was at midday, Mammogram, fine needle biopsy. I sat witht the Dr and he said that I would know the results in a 2 hours but it didnt look good.
That is the moment in life that I will never forget. I collected my girlfriend from waiting room and just broke down. I could breathe. We went out to the garden and just sat there. Silent. Then we went to the pub and had a couple of drinks. I have to say...that helped!!!
Back in the office at 3.30pm it was confirmed. That moment in time when life as I knew it changed forever.
I am a single mum with a beautiful 4yo daughter. The only time I cried was when I thought of her. How will she cope? How will I cope with her? This is going to change my baby forever. And you know what .... it has. She is an amazing child. She has been amazingly brave and I am so proud of her. It was very very hard for her at first because she was being cared for by family here and there. And I wasnt there for her. I have never said to her that I had Breast Cancer although she has heard that word a lot. I sat her down and told her that mummy has a sore in her booby and the dr wants to take it out.
At that stage I was going in for a partial mastectomy.
That happened on the Wednesday and on the Friday I was home alone with my girl waiting for her dad to come and get her for the weekend when I got the call. They couldnt get a clear boundry and found another cancer. On top of that, my "healthy" tissue was completely littered with pre cancer cells. The breast had to go!!! It was the first time my daughter saw me sob with tears and fears. 20 minutes later her dad arrived and we all cried together. I think of the fear I felt back then and cant imagine the fear my girl was feeling.
This time I had to tell her that mummy's booby was still sick and the Dr has to take all of mummy's booby. She was very very upset and I looked at her and said.....honey, it will be ok because the Dr's will make mummy a new booby. She stopped crying in an instant, looked up at me and said.....really mummy, can they do that? The innocence of youth shining through. This made her very happy to know this.
So back to hospital I went. Pathology confirmed, they got it all which was a releif!
Then I had to tell her about chemo. How do you tell a 4yo?? I sat her down and explained it like this....You know how mummy had a sick booby? Well now the Dr's want to give mummy medicine to try to stop the other booby from getting sick. This medicine is going to make mummy feel a bit sick and I will be tired all the time....her come back was....but mummy, I dont want you to be tired anymore....I assured her that it wont be forever and then I said to her in a high upbeat tone.....and guess what, all of mummy's hair is going to fall out! She turned away from me and said.....I dont want to live here anymore. It broke my heart but I kept smiling and said to her...come on Mackenzie...dont you think mummy is gonna look soooooo funny with no hair. It is going to be so cool!!! She warmed to the idea a little and then her dad arrived to take her for the weekend. The first this she said to him was....Daddy, mummy is going to lose all of her hair. Her dad said...yeah I know. I reckon mum will look real cute with no hair..dont you think...to which she replied...Mummy you will look sooooo cute with no hair. All of her friends a daycare think it is really cool that I have no hair and I think that has helped her a little.
I started chemo 3 weeks after surgery and ended up in hospital on day 10 with absolutely no white or red cells. I was very sick. They got me back on track after 4 days in hospital with 9 IV antibiotics and 2 units of blood. They told me that this only happens to 10% of chemo patients!! On my second chemo I had a very bad allergic reaction. Again they told me that this only happens to 5% of chemo patients. They again got me back on track again.
I and had my last chemo treatment last thursday. I am enjoying those moments of ....."Thank god that's the last time I have to feel this or go through that"
Now that the fog has cleared a little and I have had time to find me feet again I have been considering having the other breast removed. My Dr has told me that I am now High Risk with my healthy breast. I have almost made my decision but will wait until I see my surgeon next month. Breast cancer is really a year out of your life and I just dont want to put myself or my daughter through this again. I could happen in a year, 5 years, 10 years or never. I have already explained to my daughter that I might do this so she is ready for when I make my firm decision.
My focus has been my daughter. I have made this entire journey a positive and funny one for her. She gets frustrated that I cant do things with her but I also keep telling her it wont be forever. Her dad has stepped up had her more often and i also found that when I was unable to care for her when I was in hospital the best place for her was either at her dad's or our home so I would have mum come and stay with her there. Her own environment proved to be better for her. The first 2 hospitals visits she didnt want to come and see me. By the 3rd hospital stay, she walked in like she owned the joint....very funny!
I have proved to be quiet resilient myself but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed at the change of direction in my life. I still dont know where I will be in 12 months because I still have decisions to make. But I know I can do it. I would be really interested in hearing from anyone who has had reconstruction. I have only just starting researching it. I wasnt ready before.
My surgeon told me when I was diagnossed that surgery was actually the easy part.....He wasnt kidding!!!
I am feeling better every day and cant wait until I have the energy to clean the house or do my washing or go to the park with my girl. Its getting close!
Tania
Comments
-
I had an immediate reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy, using a silicine implant.
I am having the other breast off, when chemo is finished, as like you I am at high risk of it returning (I have a VERY strong family history and am also waiting for genetic testing to see if I have the breast cancer genes).
I decided the day Iwas told I had breast cancer (at 40 yrs old), that I didn't want them, if my breast were trying to kill me, I simply didn't want them. I didn't need them and wanted them gone. My surgeon agreed to my plan, with a slight change, in that we did the cancer breast and then the other one at a later date, which is what we did, I had my mastectomy (nipple sparign and partial skin sparing) and reconstruction on the 3rd Feb and started chemo on 2nd April, I have 6 cycles of Chemo and 18 of herceptin, they are still not sure if I am having radio, becasue for me with my medical history and family history they think the risks are going to outweigh the benefits, but I see the radiation oncologist again in 5 months after I finish chemo to make the final decision.
ALthough I don't have kids, I did have to tell my 2 little nieces (4 and 6) who I see regularly about the cancer - we told them that I had germs in my booby and the doctors were going to get rid of them for me, and now we have told them that the Dr's are giving me special medicine to kill of any germies that might be left (I will be emailing them photos of my very short hair (at present my hair is about 8mm long, and falling out fast), and then of me bald so that when they come to visit they are prepared to see their Aunty Sharon bald, so that they don't get scared) we have told them (their Mum and I by phone and email that the very special medicine the Dr's are giving me, will make all my hair fall out for a whil ,but it will grow back (we thought we had better tell them it was veryspecial medicine so that they didn't think all medicine made your hair fall out :-) )
Yes your surgeon wasn't kidding about the surgery is the easiest part, but then I haven't had the side effects that yo have (in fact I had very little side effects from the chemo - sure some nausea, a lot fo fatigue, and a sore tongue and other minor things like mucles pain and the like).
Good luck with your post chemo recovery and with making your decision (remember that the 2nd amstectomy willbe easier becasue you wont need chemo or anything because you are having it as a preventative, and don't have cancer in the breast).
0 -
Hi Tania, what a journey you've had! Thanks so much for sharing it here. I wanted to let you know I've added some tags to your post to make it easier to find, because I think some of our members going through the same challenges might enjoy reading it. You're welcome to edit them if you want, just click on the edit tab at the top of your post and add or subtract in the 'tags' field.
Thanks again for sharing and good luck with the rest of your treatment (if you type 'reconstruction' into the search field up the top right of the page, you will see other posts on reconstruction).
Di
0 -
Hi Tania, what a journey you've had! Thanks so much for sharing it here. I wanted to let you know I've added some tags to your post to make it easier to find, because I think some of our members going through the same challenges might enjoy reading it. You're welcome to edit them if you want, just click on the edit tab at the top of your post and add or subtract in the 'tags' field.
Thanks again for sharing and good luck with the rest of your treatment (if you type 'reconstruction' into the search field up the top right of the page, you will see other posts on reconstruction).
Di
0 -
Hi Tania
You made me cry from beginning to end. Your story was so inspirational.
Your daughter a true " angel" It's cute what kids say.... they speak to truth don't they?
I have just begun my "journey" as we say. So reading your blog, truly makes me realise there is an end to the "tunnel".
Thanks for your post and keep blogging , and your daughters cute comments.
Hope all goest well and keep positive.
Julie XX
0 -
Hey Julie,
I am so glad that my story is helping you in some way. If you ever need to chat, just get on here and I am happy to help in anyway I can. I also found when I was reading stories here that the tears just rolled down my cheeks. I find that I dont let myself cry around people because I dont want them to feel uncomfortable so I come here and let my emotions do what they want.
What stage are you at with your journey? I wish you all the best
Tania
xx
0 -
Thank you so much Di,
I will go and check that out
xx
0 -
Hi Tania
Just at the beginning of chemo, FEC is my first chemo treatment. I had my first chemo on Friday 27/4, and after about two hours I felt like "crap" - sorry. I had nauseous and a bad headache, and that last few days, I have felt a little nauseous, tired and like a hangover. I have gone for a few short walks, just when my body says enough.
I know what you mean, crying in front of family is hard now. I just try to get on with it. My pace now is quite slow - like a snail. But I know it will get better.
You are truly inspirational, and thanks once again for your story. I wish you well.
Julie XX
0
