I can relate to all those things you say. I get teary when I hear a baby cry as I think of how I would love to hold a granchild (my children are only 5,7 and 10). I look at the old people at the shops and think about how I am very unlikely to be like that, enjoying coffee with my kids and grandkids. I look at the kids finishing school and wonder... I burst into tears the other day with some friends as they discussed their daughters getting their periods because I wondered how on earth my husband was going to teach her how to use a tampon let alone discuss contraception and sex and buying bras.
I often think about life for my kids and husband once I am gone and it makes me sad - I know they will be fine but altered because of our experience with cancer, I just want to be there with them. It also makes me a little envious at times to think of them enjoying all those things like weddings, babies and grandchildren and possibly a step mother. I don't begrudge my family getting on with life once I die. I want that with all of my heart but the crux of it is, I'm not ready to go yet. My husband too won't talk about it. He knows clearly how I feel about him repartnering and that is that I am all for it. I couldn't bear him being lonely.
Today I swam at the beach - I wondered not only if it would be the last swim of summer or my last swim ever - crazy? Maybe, but I soaked up every moment, I watched the water glisten and ripple over my skin, I watched my son laugh as the wave tossed him under, I still got a little cranky when my daughter threw sand on me.
I think we all have moments like this when we are dealing with secondary cancer. I sometimes wish I was more in denial. Josie - maybe talking to someone else who is comfortable with it will help - then at least you are talking about it and that may help you.
Congrats on making a yearly profile change - here's to marking another one next year!
Amanda xx
