My 8 year old
My 8 year old is really struggling with my breast cancer.
He wont talk to anyone but has asked if I am going to die.
He cries all the time and seems very angry. I dont know what to say to him - Any advice would be great.
I was diagnosed in Dec 2011 and have only had surgery at present. I am now waiting to start treatment.
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Hi Kee,
With much emotion, I know exactly where you are at.
When I was diagnosed in 2007, my youngest daughter was 5. It was such an emotional time for us all, but more so her. THere's no parent manual at the best of times, let alone for a cancer diagnosis!
Firstly, if you can get it, get a copy of My Mum Has Breast Cancer! AMAZING!!! The Author, Lisa Seward is also a member of BCNA and she wrote it along with her son Harrison who was 6 at the time. Its fan-bloody-tastic! The illustrations are all by her son. I cant recommend it highly enough. Here's the link: http://www.bcna.org.au/news/information-resources/reviews-books-and-other-resources/books-children/my-mum-has-breast-cancer
I ended up taking my daughter to a Psychologist (under the Mental Health Plan) to talk through some things and to help her understand. This was AFTER treatment, so she was about 7. It really helped.
She still gets angry with me and I find our relationship has "changed" since diagnosis. She seems to oush me away alot but then gets really upset if I'm not "there for her". Its a tough time but the best thing I can offer for you is, a) get the book and b) be flexible with his emotions and keep him informed with ALL of what you're doing (age appropriate, of course) treatment wise.
Good luck and lots of hugs!
Sam x
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I know the Cancer Council Victoria ( Support Services and Helpline phone no is 13 11 20) has a new publication about talking to the children of women diagnosed with breast cancer. Give them a call and they'll post it out to you regardless of where you live.
It may be that your son may require some counselling sessions to enable him to work through his emotions. Ask his school to refer him to their counsellor or ask your treatment team at your hospital for their psychology department's help.
Hope this helps
Love
Joy K
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Hi Kee,
I am one of the BCNA online network administrators and I thought I would also post a link to 'My Mum Has Breast Cancer" which can be ordered through the BCNA website - http://www.bcna.org.au/store/products/my-mum-has-breast-cancer
Good luck - Cheers, Daina
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Hi kee,
I too have the same going on at my place. I was diagnosed & had a right mastectomy in early term 4( oct) last year. My 8 yr old daughter has been ok, but my 6 yr old son is really struggling. He started getting upset every morning at school for the last month of term 4, then cried most nights during the holidays saying he didnt want me to die, and now back at school he is continuing to be upset each morning.luckily his teacher has had his same experience in that her mum had breast cancer and mastectomy 7 yrs ago, and so she has been very supportive. I will get my self one of those books mentioned above and if things don't get better, I will seek out a counsellor.
It is heart breaking to see them struggling with such an adult issue, and all the hugs in the world don't seem to be enough.
Goodluck and keep us posted on how you are both going.
Love Sam xo0 -
Yeah I think that's the tough part knowing how much info to give them, but I guess I knew with my 8 yr old daughter who can read and hears everything, that I needed to give her a fair bit of info as she was making me cards from day 1 of diagnosis saying I love you and thank you for all you do for me. So even before she was told she was clearly worrying that things were very wrong with me. And once we chatted she seemed to be happy enough to get on with her stuff. My 6 yr old boy though is a different story. Ordering that book mentioned above will help though, I hope.
Goodluck kee.
Sam xo0 -
Hi everyone, I'm reading all the different comments on how as a parents you all choose the best way you felt was right for your family I an absolute awful situation. I don't know if I chose the right way or not, whether it will back fire. I hope not!!! But for me my children were 6 and 4 at the time of my diagnosis. My conversation with my children was very simple, I have a bad germ in mummy's boob, unfortunately they have to cut it off!! If they don't I will get sick and we don't want that. I also have to have some medicine that will make me sick and my hair will fall out. So mums going to look a bit scary for a while but I have the be out amazing doctors and it's going to be ok!!! Now do you want to come and help me find a wig so mummy doesn't look like an egg!!!! " lots of laughter" so we went together and picked out a wig and we called it " Gloria" this was incase when I was taking them to school and it wasnt sitting quite right they wouldn't say" mum your wigs not straight" they would come over and say in a little voice" mum is that Gloria ?? I live in the country so I had to leave my boys for all my treat then fly back the next day. When it was time for radio I would fly out on a mon and home on a fri. Always with a little gift , always with a great big smile!! Don't get my wrong, I have been in the darkest of places with this awful thing, but the one thing it was not going to take was their childhood. I continue to be involved not only in their sports but have also continued with my fitness. I'm throwing everything I have at this , being fit, what I put in my mouth and trying to have peace of mind. The last one is a little tough. When they eventually realize that is was in fact cancer, I hope they think back and instead of getting angry at my for not telling them the whole truth. They look at my and think how strong not only their mum was but their dad , grandparents and their whole family. Like I say to them all the time, bad things happen to good people, fit people. My niece was born without a hand, she is swimming for state, my son at age 5 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, he is the fastest 100 mtr boys 8yr onl ATM . You just have to keep fighting!! Strength to you all, and keep telling those precious kids how proud and how much you love them everyday. Xxx0
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so they recently held a morning at their school to talk about " people with cancer" kids with cancer!! How they are no different than you even if they look different. When they came home they were telling me all about these kids that wre sick with cancer and how they lost their hair. Hoe brave etc I said to them, do you know anyone that has had cancer?? They both said no, but we no someone who lost all their hair!!! Killing themselves laughing ... I took a breath, there will be a day they will ask, and there will be lots of tears. We can only do our best. Xx0
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Hi Kee,
This is Annie from BCNA's Policy Team. We hear from so many women who have young children and often don't know what to say or how to help them, so in this regard you are certainly not alone.
We have some information on our website which you may find helpful. At the bottom of the webpage is a link to some other resources, including a couple of websites that have been written especially for youngsters who have a parent with cancer. The websites are designed for children who are slightly older than your son, but you may like to have a look at some of the information yourself which may help you to talk to your son.
Finally Kee, the Cancer Council helpline (13 11 20) often have useful advice for people dealing with cancer, and may have some suggestions to help you.
All the best,
Annie
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