Dealing with cancer while dealing with my own

JusttoomuchJusttoomuch Member Posts: 9
edited March 18 in General discussion
Hi everyone. 5 years ago today I had surgety for DCIS. 4 years and 9 month later I was diagnosed with early BC. Surgery, radiation, ovaries removed, Arimidex. The whole program. I feel physically fine but the emotional side is a different matter. I have great support and my husband is my rock. Here comes the kicker. Just before my diagnosis in November a close friend of ours went into hospital for cancer related back surgery. His wife has been my support person last time. One week later my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Fast forward to now and our dear friend has passed away and my father in law is recieving palliative care with days to live. I am trying so hard to keep it together. My 2 biggest supporters are suffering and I feel I should be helping them. My wonderful husband has lost a friend, is losing his dad and is trying to help me. How much more can he take? How can I ease his pain?

Comments

  • lrb_03lrb_03 Member Posts: 992
    Oh wow, that's such a lot for you all to be going through. It's a wonder either of you are keeping it together. 
    I'm no relationship expert, so my only suggestion is to be there for and with him. Let him know that whatever he's feeling is right for him at that moment. Grief is not neat, it's messy and doesn't follow a set path, although some would have us think it does.

    Glad you've found your way to us, you'll find lots of support here.

    Sending a barrel load of hugs your way
  • Giovanna_BCNAGiovanna_BCNA Administrator, Staff, Member, Moderator Posts: 947
    Hello @Justtoomuch
    I am sorry to hear your news.  Please dont hesitate to call our helpline on 1800 500 258 if you would like to speak with one of the cancer nurses for information and support.  Take care of you
    kindest regards
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 6,838
    I feel you @Justtoomuch. I have had similar events in my life. In August 2015 my sister-in-law died from a brain tumour at 53. Our families were close, our kids grew up together, having family dinners every week, and I mean every week. Six weeks later my father-in-law moved in with us.

    Ten months later my sister died from breast cancer at 47. Six months later her two young children, 11 and 8, moved in with us. We spent a year renovating our home to accommodate the extra three people which has expanded our family to seven.

    17 months after my sister died I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

    It was, and is, just all too much. My reserves were gone by the time I was diagnosed. My one foot in front of the other way of proceeding evaporated. It's been incredibly hard to cope. But what can you do? I accept help, get counselling, come to grips with the fact that I'm not as strong and invincible as I once thought I was, keep loving my four children, try to keep my relationship with my husband going and plod on. I'm taking baby steps to rebuild my life. I'm trying to keep my health as good as possible. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

    The last few years have made me much better at staying present, focussing on the now. All I can say to you is strive to live one day at a time. No predictive grief, no crossing bridges until you come to them. Grieve your losses, but if you find yourself getting stuck in your grief, get some counselling. Get some counselling now. I sobbed and sobbed in the office of one I saw during treatment. She completely understood, and it was such a release to let the emotion out. You have to go through it to come out the other side.

    Hang in there my fellow traveller on this very rocky road. We have to believe that it will get better. K xox
  • jennyssjennyss Western NSWMember Posts: 479
    Dear @Justtoomuch

    Best wishes from jennyss in Western NSW
  • ArtferretArtferret MelbourneMember Posts: 195
    @Justtoomuch ;
    Keep the lines of communication open, being aware of each others moods, lots of hugs and just being there for each other. My cancer diagnosis came a month after my husband's prostate cancer diagnosis. I'd only just settled my brain on that when mine came through. And yes my hubby was my rock as i was his but it hit me more emotionally. At the end of it all we came to the conclusion that we were more worried about each other. I ended up seeing a psychologist which helped immensely and we both started a gym program, a small thing but it helped to gain control over our lives again. For us it worked, particularly me. All of this takes time, patience and love. Be kind to yourselves at this really difficult time and know that things will get better. Hugs to you both, Cathxx
  • Cathy_b1961Cathy_b1961 Member Posts: 6
    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Just be there supporting each other is the best I know it sounds like a cliche but it works. My hubby and I married in October 2018 he was diagnosed with a melanoma in the eye in November and had it removed New Years Eve. Two weeks later  I was diagnosed with Bc her2. It has been a full on 5 months and we both feel like we are waitng for that other shoe to drop. Eight weeks from diagnosis to removal for him and eight weeks from diagnosis to starting chemo for me. In the interim his daughter has just been diagnosed with a thyroid tumour and is undegoing surgery next week. Thank goodness we come from fabulous families and have the most wonderful neighbours who mow and walk the dog. I am usually a very queit private person who lives a quiet life  ut ghis time I put my hand u p and said HELP.
  • ArtferretArtferret MelbourneMember Posts: 195
    @Cathy_b1961 i totally get where you're coming from.  I've always believed that not so nice happenings/events come in threes though not necessarily connected. We had our three, you've had your three. Lets hope there's no more. Hope your hubby's daughter goes well with her surgery. Hugs, Cathxx
  • JusttoomuchJusttoomuch Member Posts: 9
    There are so many stories, so many journeys and many of then so much harder than mine. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other telling myself I am fine. But it is the really little things that I find hard to deal with. I finally put 2 infections after surgery behind me and was given the okay for some intimacy. But before I got there I now have painful tears. Just as I think a bit of normal returns I am proven to be wrong. Again. I am so frustrated about getting emotional because let's face it, these are such minor issues but they really knock me down.
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 3,376
    It's all relevant, frustrating, emotional and everything in between.  It's a rollercoaster that eventually we all hope to disembark and find some normality.
    There are various groups on the forum that are private and you may find beneficial. 
    Please don't be too hard on yourself it does get better
    Take care of you
  • Blossom1961Blossom1961 VicMember Posts: 920
    @Justtoomuch The emotional roller coaster. Yep. I hear you. My hubby said “On any other woman I expect it. But not you.” I get so frustrated with myself and am constantly telling myself everything will settle down eventually and if not, I am just going to have to deal with it. Hang in there. Big hugs. Sometimes I give myself a hug to let me know I am worth it.
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 6,838
    @Blossom1961 You so are didi. K xox
  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 3,376
    @Cathy_b1961
    What a beautiful caring post! Best wishes with where you are at with treatment and lots of cuddles and talks with your golden lab
    Hugs
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