Reoccurrence fear
Milly21
Member Posts: 122 ✭
in Day to day
I was diagnosed last December with early breast cancer,then had surgery,radiation now on tamoxifen.my doctors said I have a good prognosis ,I had multifocal stage 1 ,3 tumours. I found doing treatment you just get on with it, but now finding it hard to move on ,have moments of great panic about it coming back or if it has already spread or sometimes I feel like it's just a matter of time before it comes back. i hope with time this eases.
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It can be very hard, especially early on, not to worry about recurrence. And you are quite right, active treatment keeps you busy with other concerns, and reminds you that you are daily doing something constructive. Just taking tablets doesn't fill that gap. Then you start wondering what if...? It's very natural but it's also a result of looking back to fear and uncertainty rather than looking forward to being well and living your life. I found actively seeking positive things to do and think about a help. Do at least one thing a day you enjoy (may be quite small). Most of us have to go into training a bit to get back to assuming things in the world are going to be good rather than bad! Laughter is good medicine too. It will get better, but will get better faster if you practice. Best wishes.2
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I agree with @Afraser about th need to actually practice something positive daily until it becomes a habit. I fell into a bit of a hole after treatment ended but am digging myself out with simplest of things - a daily one hour walk - I am not an exercise person but found this helped a lot with my headspace as well as my health. Some days it’s not easy as I take Letrozole which causes joint pain but find I can walk through it. It also helps me relax and I no longer need to frantically fill in time which was my go to once treatment ended.I also do a gentle stretch and balance twice a week for an hour which also helps. Exercise seems to help with anxiety.1
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I think I was told once exercise releases endorphins in the body which give you natural “ high”0
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I think most of us can resonate with you in your fear of recurrence. Treatment can be a whirlwind of tests, surgery, appointments and treatments. Then once over you are just are let go to try and pick up the pieces of your life.
In the back of your mind is the thought...is it gone? Will it come back? When will it come back? All those thoughts are normal.
In communities we hear if all the women that don't make it. But in reality there are many many women that do. Joining cancer support groups, attending dinners etc connect you with survivors. I never felt like I was one until I stood with hundreds of women at the BCNA forum...all survivors...and sang. Yes some of those women had recurrence but they were inspiring. ..living a life worth fighting for.
Recently I attended a Pink dinner in my own communitu and stood with fellow survivors. Women I met during my treatment...we stood together and sang. ..I am woman. ..of course. I so believe those words in that song . I do feel stronger. I do feel I have grown. I do feel I can make a difference supporting those coming behind me. Doing that gave me another purpose in life.
Will my cancer return? It might. But in the meantime I'm committed to reclaiming my life, filling it with love, fun and purpose. Doing that helps crowd out those dark thoughts that suck the joy out of life. Finding how you can do that is now your personal journey. It could just be supporting just one person you might meet at the oncology appointment. I did. We became close friends. Sharing fears with others really helps. Helping others can make you feel stronger . I've connected with many women here and have made sone wonderful friendships I believe will last a lifetime.
I compare it a little to becoming a Mum. Before I was frightened of doing lots of things. Once a Mum I did things I was scared of to protect my children. (Fending off an attacking rooster is one event I will never forget). I was still scared but got on with it anyway.
BCNA have some information that might be helpful to you, link below. Take care. And keep checking in. Kath x
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/fear-of-cancer-recurrence/
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Well said Kath, I remember when i finished treatment that I no longer “felt protected” like I was during chemo. I knew that chemo was keeping the nasties at bay if there were any hiding even though no lymph nodes involved and all scans. And because mine was triple negative I couldn’t take any of the medications that hormone positive survivors take so felt very vulnerable at first but I walk daily too really early in the morning and have done even during treatment that I finished in October last year and that helps me too mentally and with the osteo symptoms and getting back to work and now my breast cancer fundraising stuff all helps and I’m feeling great and have done for some time and I really don’t think about it anymore. I am reminded of it each day when I look in the mirror at my double mastectomy but now I say doing that saved my life and that’s a good thing. Hope this helps. Margie xx
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@Milly21 I agree with all comments above, I needed to seek professional help, I got a mental health plan which allows me up to 10 visits per year to a clinicial psyhcologist. That has really helped me I am 5 year survivor now released from active check ups scary but also good....
Im involved with BCNA online forum , my local support group and help run 2 facebook groups
why because like PrimeK I want to help those coming after me...
Showing that I am here A survivor reclaiming my life my joy that I kicked the bitch to the kerb...
Time does help ease the anxiety,
Hugs
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Thank you to all you wonderful ladies for your suggestions and comments.i have gone and got a mental health plan and think I will make a appointment to see a psychologist. It is nice to know that my worry and fear is normal and that as time passes hopefully my worries will become less.its nice to hear off ladies that are years down the track and doing well as when I was first diagnosed I pretty much had thought gee that's it for me as I was 40 years old when diagnosed.i think training myself to be positive is a good idea .i have started meditation too which I'm finding helpful.xx2
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Petrea King has a few good meditation cds .... I like her relaxation one.... you can get a cd or download from itunes https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/relaxation/id3304975990
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@Milly21 I too was diagnosed last December with stage 1 multi focal 3 tumours removed just had my 12 month mammogram and ultrasound yesterday.. I have been living my life trying not to think about recurrence but yesterday brought back many emotions. I see breast surgeon on Tuesday with results
we have to live in the moment everyday I feel blessed to be here the fear will never leave us but we have to find a way to live with it.. love and light to you xx0 -
hi @Pammy46
we call that Scanxiety.... whenever we have tests and review appointments it is normal to get anxious.... acknowledging that we have it is the first step to overcoming it.... it has got easier as my yearly reviews have come along but it doesn't go away.
xoxo
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I went against my husbands thoughts that nothing was wrong with my breast and saw the doctor and got a bc diagnosis. Most of us know when somethings not quite right and I imagine when/if it comes back in any form I will know again so I take confidence in myself. Anything untoward, I will know and we'll get it diagnosed early again. I don't so much have a fear now but almost an expectation. It's my defense that I won't be surprised again.0
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Thanks again for all these inspirational comments,I have just gone through and read them all again to boost myself up again as have been very upset last two days after hearing about a woman I know who has breast cancer stage 4 and Is very unwell now ,it has brought up some very strong emotions as I feel so terrible for her and her family,I have been in tears on and off last two days but reading all these messages has helped.0
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@Milly21 I can so relate to how you are feeling! I have had a horrid year and lost 3 as a result of this wretched disease! I am glad to see that the posts and sayings that we put up are helping! Take care and take time to indulge yourself in some downtime, it is never easy! Sending you a virtual hug from Christine xx0
