Learning to just .... be

Tracey62

My story began May last year. Like so many of you I "accidentally" found a lump, my heart stopped for just a moment, then life got really busy, and really challenging. Like you I endured treatments that I never wanted to, but I pushed myself to do what I had to. Because that's what Mum's do. We push ourself to the limit, then we push beyond what we thought we ever could. But why? Why do we do that to ourselves?

I pushed myself to return to work, pushed to get back to full time, pushed to get back to 12hr shifts. When I had pushed beyond the physical challenges of the last year, that's when the tired little girl inside of me said "what about me" in a voice so soft, scared that anyone else would hear. And I fell apart emotionally...

I didn't want to go through all of this, I didn't want to push myself over and over, I don't want to keep up the facade that everything is back to the way it used to be, because it's not. Like you, my life will never be the same because of the trauma of bc. 

So I stopped pushing myself, and guess what? Nothing happened, life still went on, home still managed even with dirty floors and an empty fridge. When we run out of dog food, he eats mine, but not vice versa :-) I found that no one else was pushing me, but me.  So I'm learning just to be me and be easy on myself. Sometimes that's being exhausted to the point of shaking all over,  sometimes it's not coping well with stress and grief and crying far too easily, sometimes it's just letting life pass me by because I simply don't have the energy to engage. It's learning to live with aches and pains and hot flushes and insomnia, but still do life anyway. But what a relief to take that pressure off myself and simply enjoy being me.

primek

So many woman feel they have to soldier on regardless. But we don't. Stop. Rest. Recover.
..then decide what you can and cannot do. Great post. Kath x

Mira

I love this post ... especially the bit about not eating the dogs food!  Be kind to yourself

SoldierCrab

Hugs Tracey, Like you I have learnt to just be 

Melhay

Beautifully written & so very true! 

Glad to hear you've discovered & are enjoying the new you! 

Mel xx

socoda

Hi Tracey, Excellent post!! I reckon we can all relate, except my dog is a garden decoration so he doesn't eat much.. Sounds like you've found the meaning of life and it wasn't the number 42!!! Take care and enjoy Xx Cath

Nadi

Oh Tracey, I can so relate! It is so good to hear from you. I am so happy that you have decided to put yourself first. I have had to do the same. I was really nervous at first to let go of the expectations I had of myself, and to stop working for a bit but now I feel so much better that I did. Life's not great, pain, hot flushes and lack of sleep still overwhelm me but at least I no longer feel like I am hanging on by my fingertips. I don't know what will happen to me financially but I am sure everything will work out, maybe not like I thought it would but as you say nothing will be the same after BC. Keep well

Lots of hugs, Nadine

melclarity

Tracey!!

I think we certainly all agree, and I remember this dawning on me in the midst of being incredibly ill through Chemo...when I let go of all expectation of myself and life and just let everything be what it was going to be...total relief! I need to work but things worked out and I used to be a workaholic and I will NEVER EVER put work above myself again or anything else. I finally found myself a little and its not selfish at all...it cant be when its so important to love YOU above everything and everyone first and foremost. 
Hugs Melinda xo

Brenda5

Almost a year since my nightmare of bc and my mum can't understand why I am not out and about much, not renovating my house, not unpacking all the boxes from early last years move, not cleaning house much and just sitting around doing jigsaw puzzles on the veranda, chatting on the internet and just enjoying every day. I'm not feeling guilty. Everyone has their own lives and I am in charge of mine. I like doing nothing.

Tracey62

Hello everyone, thank you for your support and understanding. It's such a relief to have a safe space to vent and know others will 'get you'.  I wish I could respond to each of you individually but it seems the new site only lists posts in time order. So forgive my rudeness in including you all in one reply.
Had some trouble with the change of website where I could continue to read all your posts but not reply. That's all sorted now thanks to the lovely Ann-Marie. I just want to say what an encouragement each of you has been to me in following your journey.

Mel, I'm so sorry you have to go through this all over again, I guess that's what we all dread. I so admire your attitude.

Cath, you gave me a good chuckle with 42! Not many people get that these days 

Nadine, you're about due for some good luck after the year that you've had, I really feel for you xx

Like you Brenda, so many of us have been in the thick of it for around the same time. Makes sense to take it easy, I'm only just starting to realise that recovery is so much more than physical. 
So thank you lovely ladies, for being their when I need someone to lean on. 
Love and hugs,
Tracey