Feeling Down
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Kiwi Angel
Member Posts: 1,952 ✭
I have been feeling quite sad the last couple of days. I don’t know if it is cause the whole BC experience this year has hit me or it’s this time last week we were supposed to go on our holiday and we got delayed a day and had to cut it short - silly I know but I had been so looking forward to it and I don’t seem to take disappointment as well at the moment. I have so many fun things to look forward to - it’s our wedding anniversary on Monday so we are going out for a fancy lunch on Saturday, have a fun overnight planned for hubbys Birthday next month, he is taking me to Canberra for the weekend for my birthday in September and I have a couple of weeks off in October. Just feel over the last couple of days like I have lost the joy in life. I used to be a full time smoker but for the last several years I have been casual but the last week all I feel like doing is smoking and drinking on the weekends (silly I know after what I have been through). The worst thing is apart from sore muscles and hot flushes I almost feel like my old self again. There could be some apprehension about starting the tamoxifen tablets on Monday and how they are going to affect me. I find it really tough when I feel like this (last happened when I lost my mother and then my father) as I’m such a strong person that likes to pride myself on “sucking it up and getting through it”, which I have done going through BC all this year. I know this can be a normal feeling and a lot of u are going through the same thing. I have got a mental health plan from my doctor so might be time to make an appointment t with the shrink. I know I will get through this but just thought I might feel better to put it out there.
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Hey lovely.
It's ok to feel like that every so often. It's normal.
Those of us who normally "suck it up" or just put it away aren't used to it and it kind of feels like we are becoming someone else. That was one of my biggest fears also. If it makes you feel any better, I have been meaning to quit smoking all year. I swore I was going to do it after the cancer thing, but the will power is still a bit lacking in tackling the big jobs. you would think I would have dropped it like a hot potato, but no. It took me close to a year to start teaching riding again I just really couldn't be bothered. I was supposed to start another side to my business as well, but that still seems too big. I'm getting better though.
I also drink on the weekends. It makes me feel normal if that makes any sense, having a social with friends. Don't beat yourself up over it. In the big scope of things I don't think a weekend drink is going to make any difference. I guess there is this expectation that you are going to change your diet, exercise yourself to death and give up your vices but it just doesn't work like that does it.
I hope you feel better tomorrow.
No guilt, no regrets
xoxoxoxoxo
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So sorry to hear you're feeling like this Steph. I've been open about how I'm feeling as you know, and I don't have any answers, as you also know! We just have to plod on and wait for it to pass.
Definitely have a chat with a counsellor. Just as putting it out here is helpful, so is that unbiased ear of the paid professional. Good valve release.
Now that chemo is done you're probably giving yourself time and space to grieve what's happened to you, your loss of innocence. This just has to be be gone through, to get to the other side. Hang in there, try to do little nice things for yourself every day and yes, keep avoiding the ciggies! No good will come of smoking... the money alone!! Big bear hug, Kate xox2 -
I'm guessing from what I feel and what I've seen from this forum - it's probably a little about the timing. First the shock, then the understanding about the treatment and getting through the scary stuff, then the blues. Around the 6 months mark, I reckon. Of course, physically our bodies have been through the proverbual wringer which has to affect mood.3
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@kezmusc - just hate feeling weak - which I know makes no sense as I wouldn't of made it through all this crap if I wasn't strong. Like you I'm finding it hard to get back to the things I love - I feel quite apathetic about a lot of things these days. You would think we would live our healthiest lives wouldn't you but it just doesn't work like that.
@kmakm - thanks for the virtual hugs love - I'm going to ring the shrink today that my oncologist recommended and find out what days she works and look at booking an appointment.
@sister - you are pretty bang on - about 5 1/2 months since I was diagnosed - think it is just such a whirlwind and then its just over!
I find it hard too that treatment is over but emotionally its not over. People around you now think of it being completely over and just to get on with it. I haven't actually spoken to my husband yet about how Im feeling yet so cant include him in that statement.
Thanks ladies for the support and words of wisdom xoxo
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At least you've got lots of lovely things to look forward to - I'm screaming out for a change of scene and some social life. Mind you, I get it not being enthusiastic - I look forward to things and when they get here I just want to crawl back into my shell.0
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I’m normally very outgoing but have little patience for people and their trivial problems these days - I have always been abit like that but worse now.0
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Yep, sympathy gets a bit low on the list I reckon. I remember my husband when he went for a shoulder MRI. He's really claustrophobic and had to come out of the machine for a bit. I just looked at him. rolled my eyes and said "seriously get back in there you sook at least you don't have your boobs hanging through the thing." Oops. He looked like a little lost puppy and toddled off back inside.
I listen to the younger nurses at work complaining about putting on a kilo, how this dress now looks on their "huge butt" dear lord I have to watch my mouth. There appears to be very little filter these days LOL.1 -
Hi @Kiwi Angel . As others have said in facing what we have faced, though all different, life comes into perspective and what is important to us now has changed significantly. The triggers for "down" times are usually varied and if thought about as a collective can be overwhelming however can also give us insights to develop a new strategy. I know for me my ways of coping with the every day-ness, the trivial and the hum drum is very different now. My tolerances have changed both for the good and not so good. Going through what we have, really does impact our perspective. I have also found helpful to just sit with the down times, not beat myself up in them but acknowledge this is for both new reasons and old baggage that remains with me. To help I am now journaling each day, working with one word a week that are opposites (like fear and courage; fretful and calm) and exploring them to gather resources to reflect on and remind myself of the who I am becoming now. I hope you can find some space through the support you are seeking, to gather hope and peace around you, while recognising you are you and you are unique. Hugs to you..2
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@kezmusc - there is a girl at work who knows what I have been through and her biggest problem is her very expensive hair extensions aren't lasting very well - talk about 1st world issues!!
@steplightly - thanks for your kind words - I will get there - just having abit of a down period like we all do. xo
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You've pushed yourself pretty hard, Steph, and its not over yet, so no wonder you are feeling a little jaded. The mood swings thing is very difficult, particularly when you are at the low end. I was nearly ready to throw myself down the well a couple of weeks ago.
I knew if I went home after my interview yesterday I'd have made myself miserable 'what iffing'. So I took the hound, a trailer and my chainsaws with me into town (as you do) parked awkwardly where I shouldn't have, had a red hot go at selling myself then drove 150km to see a friend, cut a load of nice dry red gum, wandered around their house all night having online chats with odd people then drove home at first light. I'm what iffing' myself stupid now, but at least I've got a couple of weeks warming to show for it. Redneck rehab, the ultimate distraction.
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@zoffiel that physical activity would do wonders for your mood and Im sure a chainsaw is good for working out any crankiness!!
Hubby knows Im down so he booked us a nice hotel to stay in after lunch in the city on Saturday - an afternoon spent soaking in the tub with a beautiful bottle of wine our friends bought us from the States.
I really hope you get good news from you job interview xo
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Now I feel like an overtired toddler who should have had more than 3 hours sleep and less wine and cigarettes. Is it too early for bed?0
