Forum Discussion
Ellamary98
8 years agoMember
I can't connect with my diagnosis..
Hi there, This is my first post for 5 years. A month ago, I was diagnosed with metastatic bc in my spine and rib, 5 years almost to the day of my initial diagnosis. I am perfectly well, and it was picked up after a routine oncology check showed elevated markers in my blood. The week that my oncologist phoned me, I was completely snowed under with work and family commitments. My aunt had died whilst I was sitting with her, the day previously, and I was responsible for organising her funeral arrangements. I had a thesis proposal due in, and a critical work project about to begin. My husband was interstate, and I was playing catch up at home, having just arrived back from a European trip. It was chaotic.
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
Initially, I had a tiny cry and did some swearing, but then I decided that I could not afford to indulge in any kind of medical drama, and I put it aside to be dealt with later. The thing is, now that life has settled down a bit, I am having trouble even connecting with my diagnosis. It feels neither real, nor important- although my head knows that it is huge.
I have told my siblings- by text message, but advised them not to contact me because "I have no interest in discussing it right now'. I have told my 5 children ( teens) in as upbeat and dismissive a manner as possible, but cannot bring myself to tell my father. I have told my closest friends, but they are under instructions not to share the information. It is business as usual. I know that my friends and family want me to open up, but I hate drama and I despair at the idea that I will be forever considered through the lens of cancer. I feel the need to control the information, because I know that it will be dynamite to my broader family and friend group. I cannot deal with everyone's fear when I am unable to even connect with it myself. They were all so wonderfully supportive through my initial treatment, but that can be overwhelming, too.
I suppose my question is, How did others share the diagnosis in a way which didn't feel like dropping a bomb? Did others feel this remarkable sense of calm, and is it going to hit me like a ton of bricks?
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47 Replies
- wendy55MemberHi @Tennille ,
Just wanted to say congratulations on what you are achieving at the moment,and that I love your attitude to life, it put a smile on my face, just what I need to start the day.
wendy55Sign in to react to this post - TennilleMemberMy kids range from 3 to 21. I am an RN currently doing casual agency work and my Masters will be in Human Rights. Its always hard to get our heads around a metastatic diagnosis but I believe in the power of faith, positive attitude, trust in medicine and a healthy lifestyle. I wont let this disease beat me.Sign in to react to this post
- Ellamary98MemberWow, @Tennille! 11! I have 5 and at times that's crazy. Like you, I am doing a Masters Degree, although I just have a final thesis to complete. Too much life to live-I have zero interest in slowing down right now. Good luck with your studies- what area of research?Sign in to react to this post
- EastmumMember@Tennille - you are an absolute legend! 11 kids - that’s incredible - what a blessing! What’s the age range? I’m in awe with 4!Sign in to react to this post
- SisterMemberSome daughters do 'ave 'em! I hope your 7 yo is okay.Sign in to react to this post
- Kiwi_AngelMember@Tennille u go girl!!! xoSign in to react to this post
- TennilleMemberIts all good. I told her I was living not dying and to knock it off. Have 11 kids to raise and I am starting a Master's degree in July and I plan on walking across that stage on my own 2 feet when I am done!Sign in to react to this post
- ZoffielMemberGawd @tennille it must suck to be her sometimes. On the other hand, that she told you in that setting does show a degree of....not sure what.
Little documented side effect of BC, you can have episodes where your eyes cross then roll backwards while trying to keep your mouth shut.Sign in to react to this post - SoldierCrabMember@Tennille
when my mother did that in front of my boys with autism, I threw it back and said don't worry I wont be buried as I am donating my body to science..... shocked silence by her....Sign in to react to this post - EastmumMember@Tennille - good lord! I have to be honest, I would have been tempted to reply 'well you'll never know because you'll be six feed under before I am' - guess I would have had to bite my tongue?Sign in to react to this post