Woe is me
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Molly001
Member Posts: 419 ✭
Warning... long, self-indulgent, self-pittying post. Please don't read on if your emotional plate is full. Self pitty is completely contra to my normal mantra, but a huge vent is needed. Recently I turned 40. This year I had all my ideas about mortality and life thrown under a bus. Not necessarily a bad thing, as I'm coming to understand the importance of looking after myself instead of taking on the problems of others and muddling through life taking care of everyone else but. I had a tit lopped off (Marg's @Zoffiel descriptive words). I endured 6 rounds of heavy duty chemo, hair loss, weight gain, 30 zaps of rads, tamoxifen, palbociclib.... All the while pushing and struggling to keep a normal pace for my 2 kids (2 & 5) and keep a brave face whilst my narcisistic, drug addicted partner of 20+ years repeatedly left me in the lurch and emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused me. I powered on, as that's what mothers do, with the thought that I can leave when I'm healthy enough and there'd be plenty of legal support for me. Well, turns out because he's not bashing me, and he can plausibly deny abuse as I have no 'evidence' I can't do much to protect myself, or more importantly, my kids if I leave. The system sucks. I'm so angry and disappointed and just sad, which is not like my usually optimistic self. I have plenty of support in the way of a listening ear, psycholigist, family, church, but NO practical help. Anyway, vent done. I will now dust off, pick myself up and figure this out, as I always do. Can't bring me down, baby. Oh, and he completely failed to acknowledge my bday whatsoever. What a winner!
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Hi molly
big huggs..seem to me that yes it is time ..you do not have to have evidence if partner ship is not safe psychological abuse ..is abuse many decisions to come ..
you have come this far you are a very strong person your life revolves around young children your health and security are of the utmost importance to your family
all best B0 -
I am not sure things come in threes - more like whole dozens sometimes, but very rarely one by one in a calm and orderly fashion so you can deal with them in the same way. Timing's all off, the law's an ass but I am glad you have some support even if it's sympathy and a shoulder, if not something a bit more practical. I am sure you do not wish to do this, but you may have to push some of those more passive supporters to do more. You will figure out what to do, and it may not be easy but staying in the situation you are n now doesn't sound viable either. We may not be able to do anything practical here, but we can sympathise too, feel for you and wish you all the strength in the world. And you can post what you like to help get things off your chest (no awful breast cancer pun intended!).2
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Dear Molly001,
First, you are amazing. Second, you don't need 'evidence', your words, your story are the evidence. Family violence has a wide legal definition, and includes verbal, psychological, emotional and financial abuse, not just physical. Somewhere in your area will be a community legal service who will be able to link you to what you might need. Your local council will be able to tell you about it.
Also, and I don't know if this is useful, but in Victoria there's: http://www.womenslegal.org.au/
If you're not in Vic, there is likely to be something similar in your state. They will do free advice over the phone! With an actual solicitor!
All the best to you.
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Thank you. Such wise words and advice. I know its not strictly breast cancer related, but I beliieve stress was a major factor! @ordinarygrace I spent about an hour on the phone to women's legal. She said I should start noting dates and times of abuse and neglect of the chldn and I might have a case for family court. This could take years and I can't get a DVO in the interim as they don't believe anyone's at risk. I'm just going to have to go through the process and manage his behaviour as it occurs. Hard to leave a controlling, manipulative creep when he's made it clear he's got no issue using your innocent kids as pawns to continue controlling you.0
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@Molly001, we all deserve to be happy or at least content. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 14 years. It was never physical but mental and emotional abuse. I was constantly walking on egg shells wondering what each day would bring. When he was nice, he was wonderful but when he was abusive I loathed him. I eventually couldn't take anymore so I left. I know I don't have children to consider but you're young and deserve so much more. To this day I never have been in another relationship and feel I never will.0
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I shouldn't share this, but it may brighten your day. I had a partner years ago who was a self indulgent, drug snorting, purse pilfering piece of shit. I let it live in my house. Gawd, we can be our own worse enemies.
Anyway, trying to extricate myself was difficult, I wasn't moving out and he refused to go. Finally I had had enough so after a good bitch session with a couple of friends one afternoon I saddled up the horse and waited until he roared into the back yard on the Harley spraying dust all over the washing. That used to really piss me off. Then I jousted the prick with a straw broom. Harleys may be terribly cool but maneuverable they aint.
There was no way he could turn that thing around in a small space while me and old Fats (my trusty steed) were giving him curry with the shaggy end of a domestic implement. I'd planned to wear his welding helmet but when I practiced slamming the visor down like a knight of yore, all the lights went out and I bloody nearly fell off. Forgot the bit about not being able to see through the tint...Never mind, it got trampled in the melee which I thought was a fitting end for it.
OK, so I can be a roaring bogan; it's a character fault but by bloody hell, it worked. He couldn't pack his stolen goods into his scabby ute fast enough to get away from me. Mad, apparently.
Hope you find a way out of all this Molly. It's not fair that you need to get hurt to prove you might get hurt. What sort of screwed up system is that? Unfortunately these individuals know exactly how far they can push the boundaries and we are not all mad witches with no sense of self preservation. XXXMarg
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@zoffiel I can't stop laughing, thank you! You hit the nail on the head about them always being on the edge of boundaries. Can't get in trouble if you 'technically' haven't hurt anyone. I'm an educated, self-respecting, strong woman, but this has had me stumped! It may be a shit-fight, but I'll get out.1
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Hey @Molly001 I agree with @ordinarygrace you don't actually need physical injury, as the definition is so much broader than that in domestic disputes/violence. Absolutely start documenting every little thing that happens, your word is your evidence and you only have to front up to a magistrates court and say "I am in fear of my partner" if you have threatening txts? photos anything you could use to show your distress and safety of your children. Definitely need to speak to legal aid.
After 5 months of leaving my marriage I got Breast Cancer, the ONLY thing I believe that has any remote bearing on getting this shit of a thing?? is stress thats it nothing more.
There is alot of assistance, you are eligible for family tax benefit for your 2 children, that helped me plus I had to secure full time work as well, it was enough to support us all. I am years past it now my kids have grown and my baby just finished VCE. No more Centrelink so financially its hard after my 2nd diagnosis in 2015 and being on part income protection. I am well and kicked butt and back full time next year in a new job, and moving with my partner of 3 years to the other side of the city.
There is life after all of this...there really is! so hang in there.
xx
Melinda0 -
@Molly001
what state or territory are you in please. ?
I have some ideas but I want to check if they are available in your state.
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@SoldierCrab I'm in SA0
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http//anglicaresa.com.au/children-families/parenting/family-support/
http//raisingchildren.net.au/articles/sa_services.html/context/1013
http//www.rasa.org.au/services/fdv/support-services-training/
@Molly001 in NSW but it was my family support worker who helped me see that I was living with Domestic Violence. I didn't see it as he wasn't hitting me.
that was back in 1999.
I understand the struggle it is to leave but get an agency involved to support you "as you are going through treatment" and they will pick up on things and that will also be evidence
Hugs and energy to deal with the crap this type of relationship brings with it.
Soldier Crab
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Thank you all so much. I'm overwhelmed with how understanding and caring all the ladies on the network are. @SoldierCrab great idea getting an agency to back me up. I will check out those links. @melclarity I do believe years of anxiety and stress at his hands contributed to my diagnosis and I want to get out so it doesn't come back. My kids need one sane parent alive and well! @LMK74 I despise him. I can't figure out what I ever loved there lol! I'm feeling so much less defeated than this morning. Thank you!1
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@Molly001 - my ex was a covert narcissist and quickly moved on as soon as I got cancer. I did a lot of reading about narcissism and one thing was made very clear to me from everyone. ONCE A NARCISSIST ALWAYS A NARCISSIST. There is no cure... make plans for a future without him without delay - your children will be affected otherwise. I would go to a shelter before living with a narcissist ever again.0
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Hi.
I just wanted to include this link.
You do have rights. You just need to speak with tbe right people.
https://www.police.sa.gov.au/your-safety/domestic-violence
Please note the description if donestic violence. An AVO can even be taken out regarding his behaviour and a DOCS notification can be made also. The hassle might be enough for him to go.
But if not...every time he breaches it...ring police. Then there is the evidence.
Women's shelters prioritise women with children.
Take care. Kath x0
