Struggling today

PiccmePiccme Member Posts: 33
I have only posted a few discussions since joining the network however I just wanted to let you all know that I have spent many hours being comforted and reassured by you all offering your experience, advise and sometimes candid hatred for this sh.. disease! Today however I am really struggling. Over the last two years I have watched my mum struggle with her own cancer battle and resulting dementia. She is in residential care and I have been unable to share with her what is going on with me. My dad has been living by himself for the past two years and has been my rock. I live interstate so haven't been able to travel to see them. My dad is estranged from my sister and until last week I too had not spoken to her for two years. I spoke to dad everyday at the same time so when he missed his call last night I knew something was wrong. I had been planning to go and visit as soon as my treatment was finished. I was pretty sick through chemo and I am now half way through rads. My dad passed away last night, alone at home by himself. This ******* disease didn't let me get another visit in. A couple of weeks ago I received my results back from my prosigna (genome test) which indicated that I had a luminal b high risk 41% reoccurrence probability within the next ten years. Today I just feel that it has not been worth it and am really doubting myself. I know this will pass as I have a good support group around me and I have been seeing a psychologist as many of you have pointed out can be invaluable. I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for taking the time to care by sharing. Comments may not be directly related to me but without this network and all you wonderful ladies I don't think I would have coped. Thank you all so much and **** cancer! (sorry I hope I don't offend anyone).

Comments

  • iserbrowniserbrown Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 1,713
    @piccme - sorry to read your post and as I read through I come to realise that your Dad has passed!  That is sad to know that you were unable to be there but you were in thought which counts for a lot.  Grief is never easy and there is no rule book so allow yourself time to grieve and hopefully soon your tears will become smiles of joy as you recall the better times you had together. 
    As to the network, we don't all get on here and comment but we all know it is a comfort to have it here to help us through and or feel better knowing someone else is doing it just as tough!
    Take care and look after yourself and hopefully this BC will be a part of your past and not the future.  xx
  • Hopes_and_DreamsHopes_and_Dreams Gold CoastMember Posts: 649
    Hello @Piccme, I am so very sorry for your loss. What a blessing for both of you that you had such a close relationship with your dad. 
    This terrible disease impacts us in so many ways.  All of us who have lost our fathers understand the grief you are feeling.  I hope memories of your dad help you get through this sad time.   Jane xx
  • ZoffielZoffiel Regional VictoriaMember Posts: 930
    edited September 14

    Oh, bugger! I'll say it for you. Fuck Cancer. There, now disapproval can rain down on my head instead of yours. I'm built for it.

    Seriously though, it is really hard when the blows just don't seem to stop. I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad.

    Don't get fixated on the prognostics--we see what we want to according our mood on the day we are looking. Today you see 40% chance of it coming back, on a brighter day you will see 60% chance that it wont. Mine came back, damn it, but I can't let that get me down all the time. It does give me the blues, but even in my circumstances the times I think about it are only a fraction of the times I don't.

    Keep going, eat that elephant one bite at a time. All the best. Marg xxx

  • LMK74LMK74 BrisbaneMember Posts: 529
    @Piccme, sorry to hear the loss of your dad. Life can really suck at times. None of this is easy and to have grief lumped on top sure is doubly hard. Two years ago I nursed and watched my mother die from cancer. It's incredibly hard and this year has been so hard without my mother by my side. Go with the feelings, scream, swear, cry and let it out. Yes this is a shit of a disease as all cancer is.
  • Cowgirl1Cowgirl1 Adelaide CocokatoovalleyMember Posts: 55
    so sorry Piccme sometimes you wonder what you have done to have all this stuff put on us, i use to think it was to make you stronger, myself i have lost both parents in horrible ways and to deal with your own problems you are a very strong women just sometimes we feel like staying in bed and pulling the covers over your head and disappear to another planet.
    robby x 
  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 985
    There's no words that can make any sense of this, and acceptance is hard so go for anger for a day or two! Be reassured that you had a good relationship with your father and, knowing that, he was not really alone. My dad died suddenly a long way from me too, but I was always very grateful he died fast, painlessly and with no awful illness or suffering. It doesn't seem to matter what age you get cancer, it makes dealing with the other inevitabilities and demands of life so much harder. You will move on, and I am glad you have plenty of support, but everyone needs to vent sometimes and this is as good a time as any! Let rip. 
  • primekprimek Broken HillMember Posts: 3,305
    I am really sorry about your loss and it's no wonder you are feeling very sad, very angry and just down right pi....d off about cancer. 

    I know nothing can make any of it feel better but know how important those daily phone calls were to your Dad. In fact sometimes when we live close by we actually have less contact than you had with your Dad. It's normal to feel cheated of one last visit, one last cuddle, but even when it is someone's time to leave us...we don't always know when that will be and feel cheated.  My Mum passed peacefully in her sleep...quite unexpectedly really. Although I felt her loss extensively I was pleased in some ways...pleased that she just went to bed and didn't even know it was going to happen, that she didn't need to go into supportive care, and that she had joined my Dad who had passed before her from cancer and she missed terribly. None of that made my loss easier, only that I was pleased for her. I will always miss both my parents. But as time goes on you will remember with loving warmth not just heartache. How long until then is unique to us all. 

    You are going through a tough time, in the middle of treatment and probably feel quite alone in it. We are here for you as best we can be. I hope you can re-establish some sort of relationship with your sister, I know with mine we have made an effort since my mother has passed and meet up once a month.

    Kath x
  • Molly001Molly001 Member Posts: 313
    I'm so very sorry for you lovely lady. I don't know what to say except we're all here to listen and send you hugs.
  • lgray3911lgray3911 Member Posts: 101
    edited September 14
    So sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like you have a very special relationship with your Dad.  Cherish the memories! Oh and Fuck you cancer!!
  • Lmc1310Lmc1310 Central CoastMember Posts: 82
    Hello @Piccme, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, especially during your treatment. I am thinking of you and sending hugs xo
  • PiccmePiccme Member Posts: 33
    Thank you all for your kind thoughts, it helped just liked I thought it would. @Zoffiel, I know your right I should be focussing on the larger number 60%, just when things get shitty its not so simple. @primek, you are right, I am relived for my dad that he didn't have prolonged suffering but it doesn't make our loss any easier. A long road with my sister to repair but at least we have begun. Thank you @Afraser, I think you are right, I really needed to just vent. 

  • Brenda5Brenda5 Burrum Heads, QldMember Posts: 1,629
    Condolences on your loss. You sound like you are in the anger period. Let the tears come, have a good rant and when you are ready start looking for the little things in life to uplift your spirits. I had a major sleep in this morning. Nothings getting done but I think its just so cool I got to have one. My day is sunny today and that nasty wind is gone. Look for the little things and I send lot of hugz and love to you. <3
  • onemargieonemargie queenslandMember Posts: 489
    Hi there lovey. I'll say it for you too.... fuck cancer... those of you who know me on this forum know I use that word just about every post I write and I never get judged for it. I even wrote a little chorus about it on another post (footy finals inspiration) sing along if you like!!!! My dad  and mum lived is SA (I moved to qld aged 21 with hubby) both have passed away now but it is hard living away from them as they age but my dad and I were particularly close and I would talk to him every day too until he wasn't able to speak anymore. Focus on the positive love that's what you need to do. You're here to tell the tale and that's what matters. ❤️ Margie xx 
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