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A comment that cut right through my soul.........
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Sam09
Member Posts: 149 ✭
To all my sisters that read this that share my life without even knowing me I reach out to you for perhaps some guidence and comfort. I have been in such a good place feeling well and happy well in saying that as happy as one can feel with metastic breast cancer I suppose....
Two days ago I returned from walking my beloved puppy dog something I adore doing spending time with him makes me happy. Upon returning home I asked a question to my husband a little request to turn on the hose to give our dog a drink after his walk.... his response was to snap at me angrily to wait... as he obviously thought washing his car he was to busy to stop for one moment for me...... I am not sure if I reserve the right to feel the way I do however in my current position I almost think it manditory when one is happy and asking a simple question that all family would respond in a happy cheerful manner however this was not the case... I was so upset and one thing led to another in which I fully explained this to my husband and yes in tears and emotional . One comment out of anger that he spat at me in his response at what he believed was me over reacting was " Hurry up and die already" and to this moment he appears to have never thought about that comment again...... Oh but I have in fact I have had it in my head every minute every second since he has said it. All night long when I have awoke I have had it repeat over and over in my head.
I have had this disease for 14 long months and found it turned metastic 6 months ago. In the beginning I had messages of support from friends and family that meant the world to me however as the months dragged on they wittled away. I guess people have busy lives and forget other peoples problems. This is the case with even my family. One daughter lives overseas and with each email comes gushing excitement of her travels which I love to hear but no more How are you Mum? anymore. Today right now I feel so alone hurt and broken.
No one but my fellow sisters on this site which bound us by situation understands how I feel inside how hard it is to go on pretending life is normal and we know it isnt.
I know I find it hard when people snap at me over silly things to comprehend this. Things small things that are fixable easily when I am not..... things that are a minor simple inconvenience and it now dawns on me that the only person who lives in this nightmare is me ..... all alone and when I am gone life will go on and the silly things that bother them that are gone in a second will still annoy them. A few times my daughter who lives at home has said to me Mum does cancer give you the right to judge what makes other people cranky. Well other people Hell no!
But I did think perhaps my family that I cook clean and care for lovingly and relentlessly could always try to be nice to me not sometimes all the time.. and if sometimes I am not so happy then to perhaps understand why .. not jump down my neck.. It is a simple small ask that I can be surrounded by happy family members and be treated well WHY because it makes me feel happy and loved and right now I feel so alone in my nightmare that no one here understands
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All by myself........... and the tears flow.
Two days ago I returned from walking my beloved puppy dog something I adore doing spending time with him makes me happy. Upon returning home I asked a question to my husband a little request to turn on the hose to give our dog a drink after his walk.... his response was to snap at me angrily to wait... as he obviously thought washing his car he was to busy to stop for one moment for me...... I am not sure if I reserve the right to feel the way I do however in my current position I almost think it manditory when one is happy and asking a simple question that all family would respond in a happy cheerful manner however this was not the case... I was so upset and one thing led to another in which I fully explained this to my husband and yes in tears and emotional . One comment out of anger that he spat at me in his response at what he believed was me over reacting was " Hurry up and die already" and to this moment he appears to have never thought about that comment again...... Oh but I have in fact I have had it in my head every minute every second since he has said it. All night long when I have awoke I have had it repeat over and over in my head.
I have had this disease for 14 long months and found it turned metastic 6 months ago. In the beginning I had messages of support from friends and family that meant the world to me however as the months dragged on they wittled away. I guess people have busy lives and forget other peoples problems. This is the case with even my family. One daughter lives overseas and with each email comes gushing excitement of her travels which I love to hear but no more How are you Mum? anymore. Today right now I feel so alone hurt and broken.
No one but my fellow sisters on this site which bound us by situation understands how I feel inside how hard it is to go on pretending life is normal and we know it isnt.
I know I find it hard when people snap at me over silly things to comprehend this. Things small things that are fixable easily when I am not..... things that are a minor simple inconvenience and it now dawns on me that the only person who lives in this nightmare is me ..... all alone and when I am gone life will go on and the silly things that bother them that are gone in a second will still annoy them. A few times my daughter who lives at home has said to me Mum does cancer give you the right to judge what makes other people cranky. Well other people Hell no!
But I did think perhaps my family that I cook clean and care for lovingly and relentlessly could always try to be nice to me not sometimes all the time.. and if sometimes I am not so happy then to perhaps understand why .. not jump down my neck.. It is a simple small ask that I can be surrounded by happy family members and be treated well WHY because it makes me feel happy and loved and right now I feel so alone in my nightmare that no one here understands
.....
All by myself........... and the tears flow.
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Comments
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@Sam09
Oh Sam goodness there are some cutting things said in temper! Try not to hang on to one comment as this is about you and being able to make the most of each day. Yes we feel like we have become insignificant as family and friends go about their everyday without what we feel is no consideration for us. Some shut us out and become defensive as they are not coping with us and what we represent, damned BC!
Please come on here and blog away as we are all here to help you through!
Have you taken advantage of the good things that are available to us, something for you and something for family?
https://lgfb.org.au/ Look Good, Feel Better - that one is for you
http://www.otisfoundation.org.au/ Otis Foundation - a free holiday for you and the family
Please don't feel alone in this that is what we are here for, your virtual friends. Sometime ago there was a discussion post on this forum that encouraged us to add inspirational quotes. This one I have picked from my files; I hope it will help you get back on an even keel. Remember your family love you they just don't know how to cope and the fly off the handle comments suggests just that. Mum's, wives are the strength in the family!
Take care and sending you a virtual hug xx
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My heart goes out to you in your situation.
I cannot pretend to fully understand how you feel, I am still only in early stages of treatment and do not yet know the full extent of my cancer. At this stage, not metastatic.
Having a loved one snap at you when you are feeling so vulnerable and fragile can devastate you, I know. It plunges me into depression.
I do feel that what your husband said is quite unforgivable.
Yes, he is probably also feeling the stress of your diagnosis, the fear of the Unknown, the strain of constantly knowing he might lose you, and I am assuming you otherwise have a good relationship.
That he said that and your feelings of desperation and isolation, indicates to me that you both need counselling. Can you access that? You really need to talk this out with someone who can help, even if he won't come too.
Most Cancer Centres have free counselling services, your area McGrath breast care nurse can also arrange it.
As the wife of a child with a mother with a terminal disease, I suggest that perhaps your daughter overseas is connecting with you by sharing what is going on in her life, maybe she feels that her feelings of enjoyment and describing the lovely things she is doing will lift your spirits, that is what my husband thought when he sent cards and letters to his mother while we were overseas.
Unfortunately she didn't see it that way either, and felt he didn't care as he didn't ask how she was. Even though she told him each time they spoke that she didn't want to talk about her health?????
While I feel the need to wrap you in a warm sisterly hug, I also feel the need to remind you that expecting everyone to be cheerful and happy with you is unrealistic.
They are only human too and will feel angry, despairing, sad and impatient with life and this disease too. Families suffer with it in different ways, but it affects everyone.
Please seek out a counsellor to help you, no one should feel alone and unsupported with this horrid disease, they can help you to find the comfort and understanding that you need.
I am sending you as much big sisterly support as I can to help you through this.
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Dear @Sam09 thinking of you. That statement to you was verbally abusive and you have the right to be upset. Is there someone nearby you can chat to? Can you ring the Cancer Council and talk to one of the counsellors over the phone? We are here for you. x0
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It is very difficult for those who don't have cancer to fully understand what's going on with you. For starters just the hormone management is like a perpetual conflict with your emotions. Its like PMT forever and it gets very hard to live with but we adjust somehow and get on with things.
The second is the limited energy and that walk probably wore you down big time so that when you got back you were exhausted and short in your speech, just wanting the dog to get a drink so you could go and sit or lay down for a few minutes. Other people don't understand this. I know when I walk my dogs, I get home like I have run a marathon or something and I am only recovering from primary breast cancer. Yet still my family expect me to put on dinner quickly when all I want is half an hours rest first. They still haven't figured this out yet..
My husband does most of the washing and housework as I am just too slow and I get dizzy if I try and move quickly and efficiently. We sort of had a role reversal years ago when I renovated houses and he managed the day to day house running so its not a shock to his system to do my work for me.
Bit by bit teach your hubby and daughter to do what you do. Assess how vital it is. Washing floors all the time I have figured in the scale of things not to be all that important so my hubby and kids don't stay up all that will with it either but washing up and doing laundry is a huge help. Praise them every so often and they will love you for it.
Commandeer your own spot in the house, or outside as I like to sit on our veranda at a table with my laptop, fan for hot flushes, and my jigsaw puzzle. My family come to me to talk and visit. I don't meddle with them unless they are asking advice. I am letting my family stand on their own feet without me although I do slip up and meddle sometimes lol.
As for your hubbys comment to hurry up and die already, tell him not to be such a smart arse, he could just as easily die before you so he better cherish the time he has left. I bet he has totally forgotten his comment any way, men are funny beggars and wired much differently to us women. Big hugz from me to you.
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Hey Sam, I don't have any advice re your family but just wanted to give you some support. My Aunt has stage 4 bowel cancer and I send her happy letters when I can, and don't often ask about her illness as its so hard to do via letter (I don't use the phone due to an illness so cant call her). Its not that I don't care about her, I just want to share some happiness and lift her spirits.3
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Hi Sam I'm so sorry you feel that your family is letting you down.
Please remember that you can't control what anyone else thinks, says or does - you can only control your reaction. Your family are going through this too - they are trying to come to terms with your illness and they aren't always going to be happy about it.
Regarding your daughter who is OS I think this is very important - maybe your daughter doesn't want to dwell on your cancer - maybe she is trying to help you feel better by sharing her exciting stories. You say you love to hear them so concentrate on that and don't waste time worrying about what she isn't saying.Mira said:Its not that I don't care about her, I just want to share some happiness and lift her spirits.
As for your husbands comment - I've got nothing...
After my treatment I have chemo brain and I constantly forget things. I would try to forget those horrid words as soon as possible.
Sending you a big hug xxx1 -
hi sam, everything that the other ladies have said is so very true, I can only hope that you husband just did not realize what he was saying and i am sure that after it was said he wished he could have taken back those words, I have been struggling with this metastatic breast cancer thing for 4 years now, and like you at first it was all flowers and hugs and what can we do, but as time has passed by that has all but stopped, life goes on unfortunately, sorry bad choice of words, and it seems that everyone else is doing there own thing and we seem to live in a world all of our own, there is help available, bcna have the choice of two beautiful and compassionate women who are counsellors who specifically focus on breast cancer, they are available to talk to you in the privacy of your home at a time suitable for you, and perhaps later to talk to your husband, i myself have spoken to carrie lethborg on several occasions and have actually met her at a form she really is someone that i can recommend, my partner does not talk much either about my diagnosis and although very supportive, i am sure there are days when he too gets a little "fedup" with the whole thing, through my Mcgrath breast care nurse and local hospital i have a cleaner twice a month to do all the heavy work, the vacuuming and washing of the floors and all the wet areas, perhaps this is something you could look at, there are services out there for us its just that they are hard to find, ring the cancer council in your state and talk to one of the oncology nurses there, also make a double appointment with your gp and sit down and have a talk about how you feel, as for your family as the other ladies have mentioned its a really hard thing to deal with and i know there are days when i have learned to give myself permission to do nothing, and if i am having a bad day i have a bad day, with all the research going on you could outlive your husband, i know i certainly have no intention of going anywhere for a very long time and if the position were reversed then you would be looking after him, you didnt plan this and i know that i certainly didnt see this in our future, BUT is here and we have to deal with what we are given, as mentioned before the Otis Foundation have holiday homes at no cost to you in most states just google them and see what is available in your state, i have had a holiday with them and it really does give you a bit of a boost plus some real alone time with your husband might be a good thing, we cannot go back in time to when there was no cancer in our lives its here to stay and we all do the best we can,YOU are very precious to your family its just a hard thing for them to deal with and sometimes they just dont know the right words to use so they dont say anything,perhaps you could write some letters when you are ready to let them know how you are feeling,please take care of YOURSELF go out and buy your self something nice or go and have a massage or facial just something for you, i have a massage every month and love it.
We are always here for you to chat to, we UNDERSTAND, we GET IT, please be gentle on yourself and if you have a chance please ring the BCNA 1800 number to arrange a time to talk with someone,
Thinking of you and wishing we could sit down face to face and have a cuppa together,
wendy555 -
Hi there Sam, I don't have any further advice to add to what the other ladies have offered. I just wanted to let you know I can fully understand your feelings and am very sorry you feel
so alone. Keep posting on this site. Sending you a big hug.
Sue P0 -
You feel alone but you probably are not. Sometimes I feel so empty and forget there are people around me.
I would like to pass on something I was taught. Whenever you feel upset hurt cross or angered by someone this is the response. You see an image of the person and you wish them well.
You are not being hypocritcal you genuinely wish them the best in life. Say good health happy times etc.
So every time you remember your husbands words stop and send a genuine message of good feeling towards him.
I was taught this technique when I was having a particular difficult time by an extremely unpopular supervisor.
We had a visiting manager that for some reason we became friends and this was a technique she told me she used when dealing with co workers that were difficult.
It actually works .
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Oh Sam! I'm so sorry to hear of how you are feeling and the insensitive comments. I can't offer advice but my family were very unsupportive during my 16 months of treatment, particularly my husband. We almost split up over it. Then one day it all came to a head. We found ourselves crying in a corner at the local shopping precinct starting to talk for the first time in just over two years. Since then we have talked a lot more and I have realised just how traumatised my family were and that my husband in particular, was floundering. He didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. He was too scared to share his emotions with me because I had cancer and how could anything he had to say or complain about or vent about possibly compare to that. He tried to save me from extra stres1
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Be sorry, it stopped working! He didn't want to stress me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your family don't want to go through this either. They are sick of living it and hearing it and seeing it all day every day but how can they verbalise that.
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Your husband will be feeling angry and scared and the lashing out is just a that coming out. It's not fair and totally unacceptable but it is what slips out sometimes. He is probably hoping you didn't take any notice of the comment and by pretending it didn't happen, he can move on. The emotions that go along with this is so very confronting for all. If you can talk to him about it in a moment of calm, do so otherwise perhaps see a counsellor to help you deal with their emotions.0
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Hi Sam,
You are not alone here- my heart goes out to you. What a cruel comment your husband made- no excuse.I hope he apologised and if he didn't,then that is even more cruel.Could you join a local support group where you'll get hugs and understanding- I run one in the Hills area in Sydney if you live there. Sending hugs,Tonya xx0 -
BCNA provides free, confidential, professional one-on-one counselling support to women and men with metastatic breast cancer, and their families. If you need someone to talk to, @Sam09, know that this is here for you. To find out more and book, please visit https://www.bcna.org.au/metastatic-breast-cancer/metastatic-breast-cancer-telephone-counselling/wendy55 said:We are always here for you to chat to, we UNDERSTAND, we GET IT, please be gentle on yourself and if you have a chance please ring the BCNA 1800 number to arrange a time to talk with someone...1 -
Hi Sam just an idea. I am not using this site for advertising just informing you and others. There are residential courses run by Petrea King in Bunadoon. The courses are called Quest for life and Healing your life.
The courses are residential. They have sessions dealing with anxiety depression ,cancer and general problems in life.
I am planning to go. What I liked the most was they provide lovely organic food but also serve tea and coffee .They also like using butter and sugar. So food is not too extreme.
The thought of spending 5 days alone and being served 3meals a day wow.
I am married but I enjoy timeout from my family. At times I love being alone and have had several solo holidays. It is expensive but I think well worth it.1
