Feeling Over Whelmed
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Michelle_W
Member Posts: 54 ✭
When does this all end? Four years into this journey and wanting it to end!
I thought I was doing so well, tackling head on everything that has been handed to me, detours aplenty in this journey. Thought I had got to the top of the mountain and could enjoy the view and head on a new journey.
But no, another detour. I am recovering from a Bilateral Salpingo - Oophorectomy and Hysterectomy and Prolapse repairs due to issues with Tamoxifen, a few hiccups with temp spikes in hospital but now home.
Had surgery almost three weeks ago, some days I feel good then all of a sudden just dissolve into tears or just feel crappy, not sure if I am just being a sook or if the hormones are just going berserk ( chemo induced menopause then Tamoxifen and now ovaries removed) hate feeling like this.
Everyone says that I am so strong and have handled everything so well on this journey as I have been doing it on my own, but I think we just become very good at hiding it.
Maybe a combination of not being able to work, so that normality is not there and no sick leave left and payroll stuffed up Long Service Leave.
Don't know the pathology outcome yet. Have mammograms and ultrasounds and visit to Oncologist next week, maybe just too much all at once.
I know that it will get better, but thank you for listening, nice to be able to let it out and not to upset and worry friends and family. Should have taken share in a tissue factory though!
Michelle
I thought I was doing so well, tackling head on everything that has been handed to me, detours aplenty in this journey. Thought I had got to the top of the mountain and could enjoy the view and head on a new journey.
But no, another detour. I am recovering from a Bilateral Salpingo - Oophorectomy and Hysterectomy and Prolapse repairs due to issues with Tamoxifen, a few hiccups with temp spikes in hospital but now home.
Had surgery almost three weeks ago, some days I feel good then all of a sudden just dissolve into tears or just feel crappy, not sure if I am just being a sook or if the hormones are just going berserk ( chemo induced menopause then Tamoxifen and now ovaries removed) hate feeling like this.
Everyone says that I am so strong and have handled everything so well on this journey as I have been doing it on my own, but I think we just become very good at hiding it.
Maybe a combination of not being able to work, so that normality is not there and no sick leave left and payroll stuffed up Long Service Leave.
Don't know the pathology outcome yet. Have mammograms and ultrasounds and visit to Oncologist next week, maybe just too much all at once.
I know that it will get better, but thank you for listening, nice to be able to let it out and not to upset and worry friends and family. Should have taken share in a tissue factory though!
Michelle
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Comments
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It's good to be able to talk to someone that's been there. Others try to understand but they can't really. You aren't been a sook, you have been through so much and the added stress of your work and pay wouldn't help that's for sure. Don't be hard on yourself, if you need to cry, cry. I hope things improve for you. I am a 30 year survivor0
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Best wishes for your appointments next week. It does sound like a lot at once, it's hard to avoid, and you will be relieved to get it over but stressful nevertheless. There is no law that says protracted side effects are easier to deal with!! Getting through one thing well doesn't mean you breeze through the next, and it's very reasonable to expect some respite after 4 years. So don't make things harder for yourself by thinking that you are failing, you are doing remarkably well under the circumstances. Thank you jjshep for a good reminder of what matters to us all - 30 years! Here's hoping next week is good news and you can give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.0
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@Michelle W
what a rough roller coaster you are on girl...
I know that my emotions were all over the place after my Bilateral Salpingo - Oophorectomy and Hysterectomy back in 2004 this was prior to my Cancer Diagnosis in 2012. Be gentle on yourself...
You have a right to want it to end.
I would suggest trying to do some relaxation meditation to help as you sure have a lot going on...
I am four years out from diagnosis and I have good and bad days....
hopefully the payroll gets sorted quickly for you as you sure dont need an extra stressors.
I hope that next week you have a good consultation and know the plan ahead and that you can settle into the plan and that it goes as smooth as it can for you ..
Hugs and energy
Alice xoxox
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I had all removable plumbing hauled out just before Christmas, a couple of weeks before I started chemo. I was that close to menopausal that I figured the final step (watch that one, it's a doozy) shouldn't be such a big deal. Right...
I think everyone in close contact with me would be pretty OK with me doing tears and I already feel like crap from the chemo. It's the sudden transformation from a sort of saggy old Labrador type Marg to a raging 'Get the f*** out of my way. What is the matter with you?' Cujo type animal that we can all do without. Man, am I savage. Then I feel guilty as all hell. A bit of consistency would be nice, but I can't unring the bell and restore the little dribble of hormones that were, obviously, still doing me some good. Unfortunately they were feeding my cancer, that wasn't so great.
Maybe I need to develop some 'safe' words so my nearest and dearest have a warning ( and permission) to run for the hills and a mechanism to tell me that I'm being a nightmare without me turning them to ashes, salt, whateva, when I'm turning feral.
That dude in Safeway car park this afternoon though, the one who randomly cut in front of me... Stuff him. There's times when being a sweaty deranged bald woman is sort of advantageous. 'Do you find people yell stuff at you, Mate? Like "Get off your phone? And use your @^%$# indicators? And what am I the &*&&$@# invisible woman". Huh?' ***Random Dude still standing in car park with mouth hanging open, looking like pillar of salt***
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Oh Michelle, just because you're fed up and have had enough doesn't mean you are a sook. Take a read back about what you are currently dealing with and each one of those matters on their own are daunting, let alone when you're dealing with issues already which are a result of treatment. Thank goodness you have come on here to get a bit of support because we do understand and it doesn't mean you are weak, and it doesn't mean you're not coping. It just means that you wish you didn't have to deal with this CRAP!!! You may think that you are hiding not coping but I think you are actually hiding your inner strength and not acknowledging it yourself. Everyone else sees it. The fact that you are saying you know it will get better - That is strength! Looking to when it gets better, awesome. Big hugs lovely. Xx Cath0
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Oh Ladies!
Thank you so much for all your support and words of wisdom it really has helped.
Today is better than yesterday. I guess I am really scared that depression might raise its ugly head, I did have a bout of it 12 months into treatment ( in 10 months there was the loss of a newborn grandson, then husband decided to leave, then
breast cancer) life became really tough and I didn't want to be here and I certainly don't want to go back there.
On a positive I am back walking 5 km each morning lovely time of day. Keeping busy by doing some sewing for the Lactation Consultant at the Mater Mothers Hospital. Trying to give back to the community for all the help and caring that I have been given.
So thank you ladies, you have all made my day brighter, less daunting and that it does get better and a reminder that I am not alone.
Love
Michelle
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Hi Michelle - slow to read your original post but now I have. Four years wow how good is that, you are that far along. The word Oophorectomy - yes I understand what it is but it makes me smile when I read it as it almost sounds like a made up name!
Goodness you have been through heaps already and here's hoping that the stress of everyday life is more manageable now and that everything is to use your words, less daunting.
Remember we are here to read and help you along as we get it. And no one is ever a sook, unless someone ate the chocolate that you had hid for yourself, then you can sook! We're all in this together!
Take care2 -
Michelle you are entitled to get a MENTAL HEALTH CARE PLAN which allows you to see a psychologist for up to 10 visits under medicare.
I have found that really helpful as I was struggling with being divorced with 3 at home , 2 of whom have autism and a cancer diagnosis and a mum with dementia.... Cancer sure doesn't ever pick a good time to come... not that there is a good time.
Hugs and energy to get through today and tomorrow
Alice
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Hi Michelle - hope your results and oncology visit were of a positive nature!
Take care x0 -
Hi Ladies,
Well it is Sunday and I am feeling a lot better than I was, back smiling and no tears. Thank you for your patience and understanding
Mammogram and ulrasound and Oncologists visit on Tuesday, so hopefully have some answers, but what will be will be!
Regards
Michelle X
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Hi there after my hysto ooph and prolapse l had 8 weeks at home and for once indulged in the rest. It was the first time in my bc journey l allowed myself to do nothing. Everyone thought ld lost my mind as l had been the warrior always! Something happened and l went back to work and l resigned shock to everyone. I took control and felt great l took 9 months of and then re entered the work force lm finaly happy with me and thats important. Do what you do and lm sure you will be happy to l hope all your tests are good. Xxxadean1
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Hi Michelle, glad you are feeling better, you have been handed a crappy hand and have every right to a down day. It is a roller coaster indeed. I hope your appointments this week go well for you,
Hugs
Paula xxx
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Hi Michelle,
Glad you are feeling brighter today.
It is amazing that somedays we feel invincible and other days we blame it on hormones, avoidable issues with HR, no work as a distraction. No need to apologise or blame anything/anyone.
We try and take all of these issues and the load upon ourselves so that we don't upset those closest to us. It is so difficult keeping up that veneer of "strength" for fear that we will worry our family & friends.
It's ok to share on here - that's why we are on the forum. It is all swings and roundabouts - somedays we need the support and other days we give our support.
I have my oncologist's appointment tomorrow - will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
Best wishes, Sheryl xx
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Hi Sheryl,
Thanks so much for your support and wisdom.
You are certainly right about the swings and roundabouts (love the analogy) that is this journey.
Hope all reports and info from your oncologist is all positive.
All the best
Michelle0 -
Hi Paula,
You are right about a roller coaster, they scare the life out of me! so does this breast cancer ride! Some days harder and scarier than others, but I certainly know others are doing it much tougher than me.
What will be will be tomorrow, I can't change anything just keep moving forward.
I hope you are going well.
Best wishes
Michelle3
