Today specialist advised chemo/radiation - I feel like I am in a dream, is this really happening to me?
Yeah, it'll probably feel like that for one to three months. You're in it but totally outside it. Surreal huh.
Welcome to the forums.
Ugh, it was really silly of me to put a time-frame there. That's just about how long it took for my own "first wave" style 'Wait, was that all a dream, do I actually have cancer?' mornings settled down. It's still bizarre. I'm not sure if it every entirely goes away.
I remember saying the exact same thing a few months ago. I was diagnosed last October, had surgery in November, started chemo in December and started radiation in March. At the beginning it felt like so much and I wondered if I could ever get through it. Now I only have 4 sessions or radiation to go but still have to have targeted therapy until next January. You'll be surprised at the end of your treatment just how fast the time went. Once treatment starts you'll get settled into a routine. It's not easy, there'll definitely be ups and definitely be downs, but it is manageable. As I come to the end of radiation I am learning to have a new appreciation of the word 'survivor'. Hang in there
Take care, Nadine
Thanks Nadine for you message, its not going to be pleasant I know, everyone keeps telling me how hard it's going to be but I will be ready for the challenge, getting your message helps as it makes me less anxious and just reaching out to people in the same boat is a comfort, for you the finish line is close and you are a survivor, well done. Sophie
Hi Inkpetal, I like how you phrased that "your in it but totally outside it" and your probably right, will it ever entirely go away? Probably not. I had my first big cry this morning, it just got so overwhelming, I'm glad I've jumped onto the forum, talk again soon!
I know what you mean about reaching out to people in the same boat. Speaking to others who really understand what I am going through because they have been there themselves really helped me to cope with treatment. Come on here any time to ask questions. The ladies are great!
It is primary cancer and they like to throw everything they've got to stop it dead in its tracks. You will adapt to each step. Doesn't mean we're all happy about it but its necessary so we go to all the appointments we're told to and just get through it. One day you will be all done and looking at what good things your new life can bring you.
I know what you mean... I had my surgery on the 31st and even though I kept on saying that knowing my luck it would be Chemo and radiation when I told that would be the case I still kind of felt like it was not real... Still doesn't and I am 2 weeks away from my 1st chemo treatment.
I know it will happen and I know it will knock me about and I am talking to others about it but somehow subconsciously it feels like I am watching a movie of someone going through this all..
I talk about my cancer and forthcomming treatment in a cool and rational manner and everyone at work is commenting how I am taking this whole thing so well but what nobody is realising is that in some weird way I have disassociated myself from it all...
I made a decision to stop working while undergoing chemo (as I pick up colds and flu too easily as is and being allergic to most antibiotics means I am sick for months so best to stay away from work and people who bring viruses to work) so until I actually stop going to work (in a week and a half) I reckon it will continue to be this weird experience of living something that is not being trully 'real' for me...
I can't believe in reading your post how much that sounded like me.
Was told the same about how well I was handling it all, however looking back I think I was in denial for a few months.
Not until I started did I realise this is really happening.
It's such a weird feeling.
I have taken time off work as I work in a pharmacy therefore am around sickness most of the time.
Being in chemo now has a routine to it and am past surgeries and that awful waiting on results !!!!!
I wish you well with your chemo and one thing that is good, time goes by fairly fast.
One step at a time.
Hugs Airlie ??
Airlie, thank you for saying it is all a routine now that you are doing chemo... May sound weird but to me at least kind of makes it all not too horrible or overly scary... I think I am disassociating a fair bit due to my allergies and everyone thinking I will drop dead or have a major reaction on the day that will land me in the ICU so easier to gloss over the coming event than to think too much about it.
Having someone refer to it as routine and not being that horrid in comoarison to the 'wait' makes it seem a bit more managable thus less of a "it will be doom and gloom scenario"
When you first get told at your mammogram "tumour" your reaction is disbelief, I held out for my biopsy that they were wrong and it was just fatty deposit (haha this is my denial) when you get the results and hear it's cancer it's such a gut wrenching emotion its like my whole world got dumped on my head, but you know what? we fall but we get back up again, we keep breathing and we keep fighting, today is a good day tomorrow is another day, hugs to you
Just hang in there....
I know what you mean about the disbelief... I expected the 'cancer' verdict so was completely OK during exams and biopsy. Somehow since my early 20s I have had a feeling I would have BC in the left boob so, in a werid way when they said 'cancer' I was relieved as my thought was "now something can finally be done about it".
What nobody had explained properly for me was the biopsy result. I knew all about the 4 stages of BC and understood mine but I was completely clueless about the different grades. I thought BC is BC...
Was dreading the word chemo but was even prepared for that.
My 1st moment of "no flipping way" was.when the surgeon said they found a 2nd tiny cancer in the margin... head started to pound and all I could.think off was "why did I go along with lumpectomy when I knew it should all go". I do not even think I was listening to him properly - just nodded and forgot to ask questions as head was spinning. Then went to see the breast care nurse who wanted to fit me for a bra and when she chatted with me about my diagnoses and kept on referring to "3" and I asked if that meant I was stage 3 and not 2 like they said due to the 2nd cancer she explained I was confusing the type of cancer with the stages. Then she proceeded to explain the 3 types and what that meant and that is when the 'cartoon piano' fell on my head. It had been 6 weeks post my knowing I had BC, 1 week post surgery and that is how long it took for me to hit the wall. There were 3 grades of cancer and I had no clue 6 weeks into the whole think. How could I not know that...
I just kind of nodded at the explanations but was.completely in disbelief that there are different kinds of BC, I had the worst one and they would have to go light with chemo due to my allergies... then it hit me a bit more that against my better judgement I did not get them to take it all off...
I think my head is still spinning when I think about it so I no longer think or talk about it... As you said "1 day at the time"
One of my favourite books and films as a kid was Gone with the Wind and I reckon she had the right idea with the line "I will think about it tomorrow". That is approach I am taking. As you said it is one day at the time and what has not happened I am not going to think about until I am in the moment and then - gonna fight like Hell to get through it. I just picture my cats and what the do when I try to get them wet in summer (to cool then down) and reckon whatever hits me down the track that is the level of determination and fight I am going to have at the time. Until then I plan to enjoy every moment of peace and relaxation like there is nothing wrong (??????) - just going to love life and LIVE IT